Self-help and advice puns
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The best way to save face is to keep the lower half of it closed.
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Those who seek to get even only end up at greater odds.
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Those who sling mud end up only losing ground.
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Want a bouncier water bed? Just fill it with spring water.
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Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
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Keep your dreams alive -- quickly hit the snooze button.
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Don't worry about the bird flu too much -- it's tweetable.
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︎ May 22 2018
Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.
Heβs my spirit guide.
Edit: Thanks guys.
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︎ Oct 03 2020
My friend and I were talking about another friend who became a preacher when he suddenly showed up seeking advice for his sermon...
I said, "well, speak of the devil!"
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︎ Jan 03 2021
What do you call rocks that give bad advice?
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︎ Jan 11 2021
Let me give you a bit of advice....
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︎ Dec 14 2020
Mums Advice
'I wish I'd listened to my mother'
Why? What did she say?
Dunno, I wasn't listening
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︎ Dec 14 2020
A man broke his leg in three places. He went to his doctor for advice.
βStop going to those places!β
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︎ Nov 16 2020
You shouldnβt take a lawyerβs advice over emails
Because that would be
E-legal.
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︎ Nov 22 2020
I went online for constipation advice...
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︎ Oct 30 2020
What relationship advice did the snail give to itβs friend?
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︎ Oct 29 2020
Never ask a tree for advice on whether or not you should do something.
They always reply by saying, "I wood".
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︎ Oct 04 2020
Why witches should not ask underground spirits for an advice?
Because they live under the rock.
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︎ Nov 02 2020
Relationship advice
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︎ Aug 05 2020
My business of making T-shirts decorated with dayglo currency was struggling, so I asked my dad for advice.
He said, βIβve told you a million times, money doesnβt glow on Tees.β
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︎ Oct 25 2020
Never ask a horse for advice.
They are a bunch of neigh sayers.
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︎ Jul 19 2020
Half baked advice
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︎ Aug 26 2020
In my my neighbor's home, their huge dog frequently sleeps at the landing at the top of their tall staircase causing a possible tripping hazard. Good advice to them....
Persons in their household should watch their steps, particularly early risers.
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︎ Sep 22 2020
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery thatβs gone terribly wrong...
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︎ Aug 29 2020
Useful advice...
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︎ Jan 01 2020
My friend gave me advice on what to do if you are swallowed by a whale.
Just keep running until youβre all pooped out.
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︎ Jul 18 2020
The best advice my dad ever gave me: if ever you are desperately searching for something, make sure to take an apple with you.
That way, your search cannot be fruitless.
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︎ Aug 06 2020
The best advice for a coral quarrel
Keep your friends close and your anenomes closer
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︎ Jul 24 2020
Don't bother reading that "ultimate" workout blog. "You won't believe" their advice is just to walk 1,000 meters a day.
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︎ May 20 2020
I asked a black belt if he could give me some karate advice
Then I realised belts can't talk
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︎ May 11 2020
Advice for a broken arm
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
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︎ Mar 31 2020
I remember my father giving me some sound advice on his deathbed.
He said "It's worth spending money on a good set of speakers."
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︎ Jun 07 2020
A disgruntled Google Cloud employee asked me for advice on how he could get back at his boss. I told him...
"Don't forget to tip your server."
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︎ Jun 09 2020
Some guy paid me a dollar for 98 cents worth of advice!
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︎ Apr 08 2020
Advice
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︎ Jan 24 2020
My son wanted some girl advice, so I told him, βIf you are intimidated by a date, remember one thing.β
They are just big raisins.
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︎ Dec 12 2018
What do you call an ant that gives you advice?
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︎ Apr 16 2020
My wife told me she'd leave me if I don't stop making Microsoft puns, and I need some advice
I immediately left my Office and tried explaining myself. Sure, on the Surface I do it often, but I think it Works. It's not just about Word play, either; my Outlook on life helps me Excel. She and I have such a great Team Foundation, I Azure you. I wanted to Exchange my thoughts with her, so we could work with OneDrive. I looked her right in the Windows of her soul, to Access the deepest parts of her heart, and told her I loved her. Completely on Edge, I awaited her answer...
PowerPoint of the story is: does anyone know of a good divorce lawyer?
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︎ Aug 21 2018
I left the hospital against medical advice...
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︎ May 21 2020
Good Advice
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︎ Jan 17 2020
Kid advice
Me just now to the my kids:
βMake sure you brush all of them [teeth]. I mean it. Front, back, top, bottom, inside, outside, up up, down down, left right, left right, B, A, B, A, select start!β
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︎ Feb 21 2020
Here's a little bit of advice.
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︎ Mar 27 2020
Some important advice for Corona virus:
When you wash your hands, make sure every area is COVID.
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︎ Mar 19 2020
Dating advice
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︎ Jun 23 2019
A man goes to his friend for advice
He tells his friend, βIβve been having issues with my coworker and no matter how much I yell at him he just wonβt change!β
βWoah there,β his friend says. βNo need to yell at him, I think you just need to get to the heart of the problem and figure it out from there.β
The man agrees and leaves. Later on the news, his friend sees that a someone from his friends place of work was murdered. Soon after, his friend appears at his door.
βOk so I got his heart, what do I do now?β
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︎ May 12 2020
I need some advice. My roommate is always lighting incense and it's bothering my asthma.
How do I deal with someone who is being so incense-ative?
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︎ May 10 2020
Interesting advice
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︎ Nov 28 2019
Apparently, new government advice in light of the toilet paper shortage is to use lettuce leaves when using the toilet.
It's the tip of the iceberg (courtesy of my dad).
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︎ Mar 18 2020
Did you hear about the guy who expired for not following time tested advice?...
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︎ Apr 25 2020
Hereβs my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
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︎ Jan 03 2020
Great advice
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︎ Dec 03 2018
I asked my priest for advice
My buddy has a bad back so I often go over his house to help his wife with yard work or moving furniture, etc. Currently, were all home because of the quarantine so it seems like the perfect time to get some things done.
Well, I've been isolated for a week and I have no reason to think I've been exposed, but I was a little anxious cause I have had a bit of a scratchy throat these past two days.
So I asked my priest if he thought it was okay to go over and help my buddy's wife with some yard work.
He replied, "do not covid your neighbors wife."
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︎ Mar 22 2020
Heres a bit of advice for you all
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︎ Apr 14 2020
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