Self-help and advice puns
  • The best way to save face is to keep the lower half of it closed.

  • Those who seek to get even only end up at greater odds.

  • Those who sling mud end up only losing ground.

  • Want a bouncier water bed? Just fill it with spring water.

  • Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.

  • Keep your dreams alive -- quickly hit the snooze button.

  • Don't worry about the bird flu too much -- it's tweetable.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2018
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Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.

He’s my spirit guide.

Edit: Thanks guys.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
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My friend and I were talking about another friend who became a preacher when he suddenly showed up seeking advice for his sermon...

I said, "well, speak of the devil!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03
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What do you call rocks that give bad advice?

The Trolling Stones

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πŸ‘€︎ u/techtornado
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11
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Let me give you a bit of advice....

Advi....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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Mums Advice

'I wish I'd listened to my mother' Why? What did she say? Dunno, I wasn't listening

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AKinkyChap
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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A man broke his leg in three places. He went to his doctor for advice.

β€œStop going to those places!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cabbithunt
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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You shouldn’t take a lawyer’s advice over emails

Because that would be

E-legal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Foxie13x
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
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I went online for constipation advice...

Now, I can't log out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
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What relationship advice did the snail give to it’s friend?

Take it slow.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ConradFlick
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
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Never ask a tree for advice on whether or not you should do something.

They always reply by saying, "I wood".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StuntsMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
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Why witches should not ask underground spirits for an advice?

Because they live under the rock.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChillySunny
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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Relationship advice
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlothsRevenge622
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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My business of making T-shirts decorated with dayglo currency was struggling, so I asked my dad for advice.

He said, β€œI’ve told you a million times, money doesn’t glow on Tees.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GotMyOrangeCrush
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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Never ask a horse for advice.

They are a bunch of neigh sayers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
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Half baked advice
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cjparrish3000
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
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In my my neighbor's home, their huge dog frequently sleeps at the landing at the top of their tall staircase causing a possible tripping hazard. Good advice to them....

Persons in their household should watch their steps, particularly early risers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bardbelle
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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Heres a bit of advice for you all

Advi

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brosthetic
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
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If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...

My wife is all ears

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
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Useful advice...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flyingtiger79
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
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My friend gave me advice on what to do if you are swallowed by a whale.

Just keep running until you’re all pooped out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedShirtCashion
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
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The best advice my dad ever gave me: if ever you are desperately searching for something, make sure to take an apple with you.

That way, your search cannot be fruitless.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
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The best advice for a coral quarrel

Keep your friends close and your anenomes closer

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zatch17
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
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Don't bother reading that "ultimate" workout blog. "You won't believe" their advice is just to walk 1,000 meters a day.

Saved you a klick.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
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I asked a black belt if he could give me some karate advice

Then I realised belts can't talk

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πŸ‘€︎ u/-umop-apisdn
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
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Advice for a broken arm

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AltFactsMusic
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2020
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I remember my father giving me some sound advice on his deathbed.

He said "It's worth spending money on a good set of speakers."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
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A disgruntled Google Cloud employee asked me for advice on how he could get back at his boss. I told him...

"Don't forget to tip your server."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/-taco-rice-
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
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Some guy paid me a dollar for 98 cents worth of advice!

I gave him my two cents.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
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Advice
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rishabh47
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2020
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My son wanted some girl advice, so I told him, β€œIf you are intimidated by a date, remember one thing.”

They are just big raisins.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2018
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What do you call an ant that gives you advice?

A Consultant.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Magus_5
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
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My wife told me she'd leave me if I don't stop making Microsoft puns, and I need some advice

I immediately left my Office and tried explaining myself. Sure, on the Surface I do it often, but I think it Works. It's not just about Word play, either; my Outlook on life helps me Excel. She and I have such a great Team Foundation, I Azure you. I wanted to Exchange my thoughts with her, so we could work with OneDrive. I looked her right in the Windows of her soul, to Access the deepest parts of her heart, and told her I loved her. Completely on Edge, I awaited her answer...

PowerPoint of the story is: does anyone know of a good divorce lawyer?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2018
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I left the hospital against medical advice...

AMA

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ModusPwnins
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
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Good Advice
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hilloviikot
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2020
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Kid advice

Me just now to the my kids:

β€œMake sure you brush all of them [teeth]. I mean it. Front, back, top, bottom, inside, outside, up up, down down, left right, left right, B, A, B, A, select start!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gng007
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2020
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Here's a little bit of advice.

adv.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnreese421
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
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Some important advice for Corona virus:

When you wash your hands, make sure every area is COVID.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ICTman1076
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
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Dating advice
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pranksterftw
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2019
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A man goes to his friend for advice

He tells his friend, β€œI’ve been having issues with my coworker and no matter how much I yell at him he just won’t change!”

β€œWoah there,” his friend says. β€œNo need to yell at him, I think you just need to get to the heart of the problem and figure it out from there.”

The man agrees and leaves. Later on the news, his friend sees that a someone from his friends place of work was murdered. Soon after, his friend appears at his door.

β€œOk so I got his heart, what do I do now?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iamayurt
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
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I need some advice. My roommate is always lighting incense and it's bothering my asthma.

How do I deal with someone who is being so incense-ative?

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πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
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Interesting advice
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vswhiz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
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Apparently, new government advice in light of the toilet paper shortage is to use lettuce leaves when using the toilet.

It's the tip of the iceberg (courtesy of my dad).

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nathd1991
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
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Did you hear about the guy who expired for not following time tested advice?...

He died of old adage...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Titeman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
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Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:

Apply daily.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Laymans_Terms19
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
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Great advice
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLucidOpe
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2018
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I asked my priest for advice

My buddy has a bad back so I often go over his house to help his wife with yard work or moving furniture, etc. Currently, were all home because of the quarantine so it seems like the perfect time to get some things done.

Well, I've been isolated for a week and I have no reason to think I've been exposed, but I was a little anxious cause I have had a bit of a scratchy throat these past two days.

So I asked my priest if he thought it was okay to go over and help my buddy's wife with some yard work.

He replied, "do not covid your neighbors wife."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RangerHikes
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
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