How do you call a hipster’s weighting scale?

An insta-grammer

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheVinceee
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
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I have only two new years resolutions this year. One: get back to the weight I was before the accident.

Two: stop referring to last year's junk food binge as 'the accident'

πŸ‘︎ 94
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ben716
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
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I don’t understand why I can't lose weight.

I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jigsatics
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
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My wife hates it when I make jokes about her weight...

She needs to lighten up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
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Doctor: Can we talk about your weight?

Certainly. It was about 20 minutes, but at least the chairs didn't break this time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sgrl2494
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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I really ought to start losing weight...

But, I've got too much on my plate at the moment.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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What increases in weight as it decreases in volume?

A wet Pomeranian.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/David_F_Pumpkins
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
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I called up Weight Watchers, told them there was an emergency and asked for them to send someone round!

Turns out they’ve got loads of them!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DantheMan350V2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
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Why don’t fish weight themselves?

They have their own scales.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JP-Seven
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
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We Tried Getting Americans to Start Measuring Weight in Kilograms Instead of Pounds

But they were very cagey about it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/adhoc42
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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Pro tip: If you are looking for a cheap way to work out at home, consider using milk jugs as weights.

But be sure to use almond or soy milk, I’ve heard they’re the healthier alternatives.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jimothy05
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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Why are goulash not good at weight lifting?

Because they aren't stroganoff

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πŸ‘€︎ u/znipershot
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
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I've put on so much weight during Lockdown that my Sumo suit no longer fits me.

On the plus side, I no longer need a Sumo suit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhoElseButAlf
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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Who was the heavy weight champion of farts?

Gaseous Clay

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rumblebeard
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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You should avoid beef when trying to lose weight

Too many cowlories.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shade168
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
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I started going to the gym in my tuxedo, everything went well except the weight lifting...

Is not my strong suit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/walkingnottoofast
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
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Losing weight is a piece of cake

See, it's a simple process... just don't pick it up!

Happy cake day to anyone who shares the same as mine!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bugtrial
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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I'm thinking about buying a weighted blanket.

This is a most heavy decision.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoomRulz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
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What do you call a big weight loss?

A mass murder

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VintageDavis
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
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My brother had to quit his job as a weightlifter because he wasn't strong enough.

He handed in his too weak notice yesterday.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Karma-Effect
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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I asked my Dad β€œWhat’s the difference between weight and mass?”

β€œWell, son. Weight is your size in relation to the Earth’s gravity.

Mass is what Catholics go to Sunday morning.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shakes-Fear
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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In a recent interview with David Draiman a reporter commented on his remarkable quarantine weight gain.

Disturbed's lead singer just laughed like a monkey and said he was "down with the thiccness."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Catillionaire
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
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The biggest celeb i met while grocery shopping! Dude lost a lotta weight since Fight Club.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joos_monkeyfied
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
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Why does Mike tyson turn into a superhero after lifting weights?

He's thor

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kashindabank
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
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Where do you find the weight of a whale?

At a whale-weigh station

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πŸ‘€︎ u/-WigglyLine-
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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What did the Norse god of thunder say after biting his tongue during an intense weight-lifting session?

Man, I'm thor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
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How do you think they measure the weight of bones?

They probably Skel-a-Ton at a time!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YourAnimateJonnyV
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
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I thought that taking the shell off of my racing snail would save weight and make it more streamlined so it would be faster....

But it just made it more sluggish......

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ukblademan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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My wife and I recently had a child on accident. We didn't want a child at all as we are rather young and wanted to wait a few years. He was born yesterday at the whopping weight of 8 kilos.

We've made a massive mistake

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oxygenatedair66
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
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How did the Norse god know when it was time to stop lifting weights?

He was Thor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MGreenMN
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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It’s the lighter fluid
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kelly240361
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight

She's my aunt

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πŸ‘€︎ u/forrestree
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
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How do you get to the weight room at Hogwarts?

Through the Dumbell door

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JCokeDaKilla
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
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I’ve been writing a book on weight loss.

I hope it will appeal to a wide audience.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
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My friend Joe went on the Dolly Parton diet.

It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
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Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight

There would be mass confusion.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlovenianGregor
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
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She probably said, "Let's weight"
πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Crypt0sh0t
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
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Scientists recently uncovered evidence of a dinosaur that loved to lift weights.

They've decided to call it hella sore.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tutor78
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
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Later in Forrest Gump’s life, he puts on a little weight and opens a business collecting old plumbing materials.

It was called the Plump Gump Sump Pump Dump.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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What weight division would Heisenberg be in if he were a boxer?

Welter Weight

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Razerdeg
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
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I lost some weight last month.

But now it found me again.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theredditman111
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
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I stole this one
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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Today morning when I stood on the weighing scale it didn't move at all

I was like 0MG

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oakvard
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
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How can Jedis swing so lightly with a lightsaber and still cut through everything so easily.

They swing with alot of Force.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notathrowaway2937
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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When people comment on my gaining weight, I like to call my Dad body.

My father figure.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
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Losing weight is a piece of cake.

Just don’t pick it up.

πŸ‘︎ 94
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πŸ‘€︎ u/koolf1
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
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How do you get to the weight room in Hogwarts?

Through the Dumbbell-Door

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DevilRyder
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
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Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight

There would be mass confusion

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alluxin_
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
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