How do you call a hipsterβs weighting scale?
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︎ Aug 09 2020
I have only two new years resolutions this year. One: get back to the weight I was before the accident.
Two: stop referring to last year's junk food binge as 'the accident'
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︎ Jan 03 2021
I donβt understand why I can't lose weight.
I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
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︎ Jan 01 2021
My wife hates it when I make jokes about her weight...
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︎ Dec 17 2020
Doctor: Can we talk about your weight?
Certainly. It was about 20 minutes, but at least the chairs didn't break this time.
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︎ Nov 26 2020
I really ought to start losing weight...
But, I've got too much on my plate at the moment.
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︎ Nov 02 2020
What increases in weight as it decreases in volume?
π︎ 8
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︎ Jan 01 2021
I called up Weight Watchers, told them there was an emergency and asked for them to send someone round!
Turns out theyβve got loads of them!
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︎ Jan 05 2021
Why donβt fish weight themselves?
They have their own scales.
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︎ Dec 24 2020
We Tried Getting Americans to Start Measuring Weight in Kilograms Instead of Pounds
But they were very cagey about it.
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︎ Nov 14 2020
Pro tip: If you are looking for a cheap way to work out at home, consider using milk jugs as weights.
But be sure to use almond or soy milk, Iβve heard theyβre the healthier alternatives.
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︎ Dec 16 2020
Why are goulash not good at weight lifting?
Because they aren't stroganoff
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︎ Dec 08 2020
I've put on so much weight during Lockdown that my Sumo suit no longer fits me.
On the plus side, I no longer need a Sumo suit.
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︎ Nov 13 2020
Who was the heavy weight champion of farts?
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︎ Dec 02 2020
You should avoid beef when trying to lose weight
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︎ Oct 26 2020
I started going to the gym in my tuxedo, everything went well except the weight lifting...
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︎ Sep 13 2020
Losing weight is a piece of cake
See, it's a simple process... just don't pick it up!
Happy cake day to anyone who shares the same as mine!
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︎ Nov 02 2020
I'm thinking about buying a weighted blanket.
This is a most heavy decision.
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︎ Oct 28 2020
What do you call a big weight loss?
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︎ Sep 19 2020
My brother had to quit his job as a weightlifter because he wasn't strong enough.
He handed in his too weak notice yesterday.
π︎ 13k
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︎ Nov 13 2020
I asked my Dad βWhatβs the difference between weight and mass?β
βWell, son. Weight is your size in relation to the Earthβs gravity.
Mass is what Catholics go to Sunday morning.β
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︎ Sep 03 2020
In a recent interview with David Draiman a reporter commented on his remarkable quarantine weight gain.
Disturbed's lead singer just laughed like a monkey and said he was "down with the thiccness."
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︎ Oct 08 2020
The biggest celeb i met while grocery shopping! Dude lost a lotta weight since Fight Club.
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︎ Aug 27 2020
Why does Mike tyson turn into a superhero after lifting weights?
π︎ 5
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︎ Oct 02 2020
Where do you find the weight of a whale?
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︎ Sep 16 2020
What did the Norse god of thunder say after biting his tongue during an intense weight-lifting session?
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︎ Oct 08 2020
How do you think they measure the weight of bones?
They probably Skel-a-Ton at a time!
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︎ Oct 03 2020
I thought that taking the shell off of my racing snail would save weight and make it more streamlined so it would be faster....
But it just made it more sluggish......
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︎ Sep 05 2020
My wife and I recently had a child on accident. We didn't want a child at all as we are rather young and wanted to wait a few years. He was born yesterday at the whopping weight of 8 kilos.
We've made a massive mistake
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︎ Jul 25 2020
How did the Norse god know when it was time to stop lifting weights?
π︎ 10
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︎ Aug 07 2020
Itβs the lighter fluid
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︎ Sep 06 2020
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
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︎ Jul 28 2020
How do you get to the weight room at Hogwarts?
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︎ Dec 12 2019
Iβve been writing a book on weight loss.
I hope it will appeal to a wide audience.
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︎ Jul 16 2020
My friend Joe went on the Dolly Parton diet.
It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean...
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︎ Dec 11 2020
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight
There would be mass confusion.
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︎ Nov 23 2020
She probably said, "Let's weight"
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︎ Mar 06 2019
Scientists recently uncovered evidence of a dinosaur that loved to lift weights.
They've decided to call it hella sore.
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︎ Jul 05 2020
Later in Forrest Gumpβs life, he puts on a little weight and opens a business collecting old plumbing materials.
It was called the Plump Gump Sump Pump Dump.
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︎ May 18 2020
What weight division would Heisenberg be in if he were a boxer?
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︎ Jun 19 2020
I lost some weight last month.
But now it found me again.
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︎ May 27 2020
I stole this one
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︎ Oct 25 2020
Today morning when I stood on the weighing scale it didn't move at all
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︎ Dec 25 2020
How can Jedis swing so lightly with a lightsaber and still cut through everything so easily.
They swing with alot of Force.
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︎ Dec 18 2020
When people comment on my gaining weight, I like to call my Dad body.
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︎ May 28 2020
Losing weight is a piece of cake.
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︎ May 17 2020
How do you get to the weight room in Hogwarts?
Through the Dumbbell-Door
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︎ Jun 16 2020
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight
There would be mass confusion
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︎ Nov 08 2020
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