The mayor in my city just passed law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week
Well itโs not a law itโs a mandate
๐︎ 14k
๐
︎ Nov 20 2020
How can I get someone to hang out with me, laugh at each otherโs jokes, and maybe share some fun platonic experiences together throughout our lives?
๐︎ 620
๐
︎ Dec 21 2020
I donโt mean to brag, but I just put a puzzle together in 1 day...
and the box said 2-4 years!
๐︎ 9k
๐
︎ Oct 24 2020
Joe Biden and Kamala Harris go out for a morning run together
Kamala finishes in just under twelve minutes and Joe is already waiting for her at the finish line.
"How'd you do?" she asks him.
"I finished in 10 minutes and 46 seconds. That's got to be a new record among Presidents, right?"
"No" Kamala replies. "Bush did 9:11".
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︎ Jan 25 2021
Pre- means before. Post- means after. To use both prefixes together,
๐︎ 17k
๐
︎ Sep 19 2020
I got a bunch of crows together and tried to teach them how to sing
But it just resulted in a cacawphony
๐︎ 9
๐
︎ Jan 29 2021
A group of ant's working together is called
๐︎ 2
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︎ Jan 30 2021
Lettuce come together
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︎ Dec 13 2020
Lancelot: Men, this is a project where we all need to work together.
Arthur: Unite?
Lancelot: Yes I am.
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︎ Feb 01 2021
The cast from Pulp Fiction tested positive with Covid after going camping together:
๐︎ 16
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︎ Jan 20 2021
A pediatric surgeon sewed his kids together as a new form of punishment.
If you canโt beat โem, join โem.
๐︎ 36
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︎ Jan 03 2021
I know why beer and frog legs go together so well!
๐︎ 35
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︎ Jan 25 2021
Last night I accidentally superglued my thumb and forefinger together...
But donโt worry...it will be ok. ๐๐ป
๐︎ 538
๐
︎ Nov 14 2020
Can you believe that they are still together after all of the crap they have been through?
๐︎ 17
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︎ Jan 18 2021
My co-workers and I would suffer from wrist pain when we would drive through a mountain on our way to work together
We were diagnosed with carpool tunnel syndrome
๐︎ 6
๐
︎ Jan 23 2021
What kind of glue can you use to hold ice blocks together?
๐︎ 64
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︎ Dec 20 2020
I spent most of the weekend fastening pieces of fabric together for an upcoming project.
๐︎ 13
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︎ Jan 11 2021
Why do EMTs travel together?
Because they're pair-o-medics.
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︎ Jan 14 2021
I spent a solid month stitching together old wristwatches to make a belt
It was a waist of time...
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︎ Jan 13 2021
I wish I was an expert at tying ropes together
๐︎ 13
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︎ Dec 13 2020
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure theyโre the same..."
"Then youโll have a match."
๐︎ 25
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︎ Jan 06 2021
Dad: I just put a puzzle together
Dad: I just put a puzzle together. It only took one day. Box says 2 to 4 years
๐︎ 20
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︎ Jan 08 2021
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, โDad get out of the way!โ
I said, โYouโre the ones blocking!โ
๐︎ 16k
๐
︎ Jun 27 2020
If I ever run a hotel, the free breakfast would be served from 7 tables all pushed together in the middle of the room.
It would be a Pangea breakfast
๐︎ 2
๐
︎ Jan 20 2021
What do you call birds that stick together?
๐︎ 106
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︎ Nov 12 2020
My friend started a company a few years ago that binds quantities of material together...
๐︎ 5
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︎ Jan 02 2021
Christopher Nolan, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey decide to make a movie together
Nolan says he will direct.
DiCaprio says he will act.
And McConaughey says "I'll write I'll write I'll write"
๐︎ 340
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︎ Oct 25 2020
The devil and a criminal work great together
After all, they have great sin-ergy.
๐︎ 2
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︎ Jan 11 2021
My Wife told our kids they need to get their acts together.
I asked if it would be ok if they gathered their swords instead. She was not amused.
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︎ Jan 07 2021
The chances of seeing two together is quite remote.
๐︎ 35
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︎ Nov 21 2020
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, โGet out. We donโt serve rope in here.โ So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, โHey! Arenโt you the rope that I just threw out?โ
The rope replied, โNo. Iโm a frayed knot.โ
๐︎ 12k
๐
︎ May 27 2020
Pet owner: "Vet , my birds are stuck together."
Vet: "I'm sorry, I don't understand. It's toucan fusing."
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︎ Nov 19 2020
My daughter asked me, "Why are the two planets coming close together?"
"Well, you see... When two planets love each other they can come together in holy astro nomy."
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︎ Dec 22 2020
Dolphin son: Dad, how did you and mom know that you guys are meant to be together?
Dolphin Dad: When we first met,.....we just clicked.
๐︎ 54
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︎ Nov 03 2020
My friend and his girlfriend have been together for 5 years, but I have never heard either of them tell a joke.
They are in a very serious relationship.
๐︎ 10
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︎ Dec 13 2020
CDC just announced that due to COVID people over 5โ5 shouldnโt be getting together for the holidays.
I guess only small gatherings are allowed.
๐︎ 5
๐
︎ Dec 13 2020
two exes were tied together by a string but it broke
guess there was too much tension between them
๐︎ 21
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︎ Nov 16 2020
TIL: Two elephants of the same herd wonโt go into the same body of water together at the same time.
Itโs because they only have one pair of trunks between the two of them.
๐︎ 2k
๐
︎ Jul 22 2020
What happens when you put a bunch of lads together?
๐︎ 2
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︎ Dec 01 2020
A group of people meet up and eat together every night. But they do not talk about it.
They are part of the bite club
๐︎ 2
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︎ Nov 26 2020
What do you call two crows flying together
๐︎ 101
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︎ Aug 20 2020
If a programmer could rearrange the alphabet, they'd put U and I together.
User Interface is important to them.
๐︎ 6
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︎ Nov 13 2020
Iโm reading a book about these two melons that have a forbidden love. Theyโve tried to run away together many times, but are caught every time.
It seems that no matter how hard they try, they just canโt-elope
๐︎ 149
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︎ Aug 05 2020
I mixed salsa and cheese together and showed my wife...
She wasnโt impressed and just said, โK, so?โ
๐︎ 33
๐
︎ Sep 19 2020
What do you call it when the whole neighbourhood has tea together?
๐︎ 3
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︎ Nov 16 2020
My friend and his girlfriend have been together for 5 years, and Iโve heard neither of them ever tell a joke.
They are in a very serious relationship.
๐︎ 292
๐
︎ Sep 27 2020
What do you call birds that stick together?
๐︎ 20
๐
︎ Nov 22 2020
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