De-calf-inated!
Edit: it's been pointed out some people pronounce calf as cΔlf, so its taking a second. Pronounce it like decaffeinated coffee.
They were Prime mates.
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Honolulu...
... They thought it was more of a "roughie"
Age 6 they were separated in a successful 13hr surgery. Later in life they went to prison for armed robbery. They served 10yrs. Afterwards they wrote their book about being ex-con joined twins.
It was a bonding moment.
Constipation. They are always full of shit.
We have a lot in common
Not being able to see
How shellfish!
It was mostly a cultural exchange.
Another case of Carpool Tunnel Syndrome
Me: How did the butcher introduce his wife? Me: Meet Pattie! Dad: Meat my wife Dad: She's a cut above the rest
Here's a link to the text convo:
http://imgur.com/GU30U1Q
I was talking to my dad and he has this one joke he loves to tell. He told me to share it on that βinternet thingβ
βWhatβs the fastest liquid on earth?β
βMilk. Itβs pasteurized before you even see it.β
Commence groaning.
There has been quite a few that donβt quite get it.
Enjoy!
A man is riding his horse through the desert, and, well, he starts to get thirsty. He sees a small town off in the distance, so he sets off in that direction to get some water for his horse and some whiskey for hisself.
Well, as he gets into that little town he starts to notice something peculiar. Not a soul is out. Sun's setting, but still plenty of light. Water in the horse troughs tells him it ain't a ghost town, but folks ain't comin' out for some reason.
Now, as soon as he turns onto the town's main street, he sees a soberin' sight; the sheriff, on a ladder, hammering the last nail into a brand new gallows. He sidles his horse on up to the sheriff and says, "Pardon me sheriff. I don't mean to pry, but pray tell, who're them gallows fer?"
The sheriff looks around, surprised to see someone out. He steps down, takes off his hat and scratches the back of his head thoughtfully, before replying, "Well, I reckon you must be a stranger in these parts. I reckon then that you ain't never heard of Brown Paper Bart. Anyway, we're lynchin' him come sunrise."
"Brown Paper Bart? I reckon not, sheriff. That's a mighty peculiar name, pray tell, whaddaya call him Brown Paper Bart fer?"
"Wayill, I reckon we call him Brown Paper Bart on account 'a the fact that everything he wears is made a' brown paper. His hat's made a' brown paper, his boots is made a' brown paper. His chaps is made a' brown paper, his neckerchief's made a brown paper. Heck dang shoot, even his lunch bag is made a' brown paper!"
The man looks at the sheriff a moment, perplexed, before replying, "Well, sheriff, I reckon that's a mighty peculiar thing for a man to do, but that don't explain these brand new gallows. Pray tell, what're you lynchin' Brown Paper Bart fer?"
[Insert a dad-length pause here.]
"...Rustlin'."
It'll be our joint account.
He said we'll split them evenly so we both get an equal amount....so I said...
"Well I guess we have joint custardy then"
I'm very proud
We were talking about the eclipse and where best to go outside and look at it (with proper viewing glasses, of course). My mom asked "Where is the sun right now?"
My dad and I both responded, instantly and in unison, "It's up in the sky!"
We laughed, high fived, and my mom rolled her eyes so hard that they almost popped out of her head. Good times y'all.
I was 16 and had found a small cyst (marble sized) in my scrotum. My regular Doc. had referred me to a Urologist, my dad came along "for support"
Dr: Hello, I'm Dr. so and so, what brings you in to see me?
Dad: Well it's my son here, apparently he has grown a third testicle.
Dr: I see, if that's case, the truth is you don't need me, you need to get your son an agent!
Why couldn't Mozart and Beethoven find their teacher?
He was Haydn.
My family went to an easter egg drop today. Afterwards, they handed out hot dogs. They should have given out egg-drop soup instead
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta
I got into a fender bender in our neighborhood this morning. Everyone is ok, but it hit a little close to home.
What did the Buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison!
"Did you know John Lennon's son was born on his birthday?"
"Isn't everyone born on their birthdays?"
She just stared at me while I open up reddit to post this.
I was taking an order tonight and one of the children ordered the chicken fingers. I told him that they were actually chicken strips. Everyone at the table let the comment gloss over them except for the dad, who smirked and started nodding. We broke the silence by simultaneously declaring "because chickens don't have fingers."
It was towards the end of the semester and my parents had come to my university to see my choir concert as well as pick up some of the things from my dorm I didn't need any more. I went back to my dorm to get my bicycle and the replacement tire I was supposed to put on the bike but never got around to it. To make things easier, I put the tire around my neck and across my chest so I could wheel the bike to the campus center to meet up with my family and my boyfriend. As I'm walking up to them, my dad looks me up and down and says "Are you sure that's the proper atTIRE?"
Receptionist: would you like to take a seat? Dad: no thanks, I've got plenty at home.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
A kid comes home from school. His dad asks him what he was studying. "Oh, geometry. You know, 'pi r^2', that kinda thing." His dad says, "Well shucks, I gotta get you outta that school. Everyone knows pie are round; cake are squared.
They were Prime mates.
They were Prime-mates!
They were Prime mates.
They were Prime mates
They were prime-mates
