We’ve just had a decorator in to do some work. I got chatting to him, and it turns out he is a pilot on furlough, earning a bit of cash.

He did a lovely job of the landing.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm considering marrying a high earning ceo who doesn't want children, but I'm sad about the prospect of giving up my scuba diving hobby.

It's illegal to DINK and dive.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/arrenlex
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I could barely make out any of the figures on Apples earning’s report

They were all iCharts

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/garboooge
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the dentist who was displeased with all the awards his son was earning?

There was major plaque buildup.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheJettisoned
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2018
🚨︎ report
Help me with a punny name for a stock market earnings app

I am building a small app that does analyses stock market trends and stuff especially around stock earnings. Could someone help me name my app?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rdv100
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2017
🚨︎ report
How much did the pirate pay for his earnings?

A buck-an-ear

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tall-tyrion
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2014
🚨︎ report
What do you call the money your garbage business earns?

Gross revenue

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a person who thinks he or she has not earned enough money?

Income-plete.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?

Pyramid schemes

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arakashi_moku
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Where did Alfred Pennyworth earn his degree?

Butler University

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyLatestInvention
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
This one little boy in about 4th or 5th grade was trying out for a school play. He earned a part and went home to tell his father.

His father was really proud of him. So his father asks what part did you get?

He replies I got the part of a man who has been married for 25 years.

His father congratulated him. And then he said β€œThat’s good son, maybe next time you’ll get a talking role!”

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend works as a clown and doesn't earn much money so he spends every cent carefully.

He goes by Pennywise

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CR33PYUNC13J03
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I developed a successful chicken social network app to earn some money on the side.

I did it to make hens meet.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yoav-bam
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you earn a date with a farmers daughter?

A tractor

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WBFY
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get if you don't earn a full meal?

Just desserts

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Feddny
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2020
🚨︎ report
A non-conformist beggar starts preaching

"All of you are doing jobs to earn a living. Well, I beg to differ"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/automata-door
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
The greatest baseball player ever was a guy named Hugh McBealy, and he was most famous for every single time he came to the plate knocking the ball high over right field and into the stands.

He scored a home run every single at bat, and always the exact same way. Way over right field, too high for anyone to reach, and it always landed in exactly the 17th row of the stands, give or take a couple feet.

He earned the nickname β€œthe machine” for how consistently he hit the exact same spot every time. Right field, 17th row, every single time. He did this for 20 years before he retired. Tickets to the 2-3 seats that the ball always landed on sold for over $2k a pop by the time he retired because you were guaranteed at least a couple home run balls.

And the day he retired a reporter asked him β€œHow does it feel to be retiring as the greatest hitter of all time?”

Hugh just looked at the reporter puzzled. β€œWhat do you mean?” He said.

The reporter clarified β€œliterally over 5,000 times you went to the plate and hit a home run to right field, 17th row of the stands!”

Hugh looked dejected and disappointed β€œyeah, my greatest failure...”

β€œWhat do you mean?” Said the reporter incredulously.

Hugh let’s out a long sigh, and looked down at the ground quietly for a moment before finally speaking.

β€œI’ve been aiming left this whole time”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Frnklfrwsr
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Have you heard of the hair stylist that refuses to cut hair?

If she won't cut hair to earn a living, she'll certainly dye.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jas280z
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?

Don't buy any kind of fungi. They take up too mushroom.

πŸ‘︎ 232
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrobeOfWar
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
🚨︎ report
An unemployed engineer opens a clinic..

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.

Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."

Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.

Doctor: "But this is $500..."

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

πŸ‘︎ 391
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tonheatz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My nan says all things will be earned with time

Ehh, I cannot buy that for a second.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mortalily
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I hear that Las Vegas is the capital city of trigonometric functions..

It earned the nickname Sin City!

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
In the summer, I earn money by sprinkling tiny drops of water every morning on the front yards of rich people.

I don’t earn much, but I make dew.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2019
🚨︎ report
What were The Beatles favorite kind of bread?

Naan naan naan na na na naan

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pmarbs19
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I ordered the pasta at work today for lunch.

But then I realized I wasn't that hungry, so I boxed it up to take home and eat later.

Because a pennΓ© saved is a pennΓ© earned.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeatHTaXx
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
A penny saved is a penny earned

That's my two cents

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Afro_kat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
🚨︎ report
An easy way to earn some extra money this summer

Dad: [points at trees] β€œSee those trees? Kid: β€œyeah?” Dad: β€œHow much will you give me if I take off my shoes and jump over them?” Kid: [looking up at trees] β€œThere’s no way! A billion dollars!!!” Dad: [takes off shoes, puts them on the ground in front of him, jumps over shoes] β€œPay up!”

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smartasskicker
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
🚨︎ report
All my friends claim that I’m the cheapest person that they have ever met.

I’m not buying it.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Handy Woman gets a job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "how much will you charge me?"

The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"

"No", replied the wife. "I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all those 'dumb blonde' jokes."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

πŸ‘︎ 75
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Sheesh! All I did was earn my masters...

And now my college president is giving me the 3rd degree!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cheweduproach
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
🚨︎ report
My son has been moving fire wood to earn screen time and keeps asking how much he has done

So I just asked if he wanted a log book to keep track.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/novexnz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Job Interview for Later

Job Interviewer: "At the start you'll be earning $17,000; later that will increase to $21,000"
Me: "Ok, I'll come back later."

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ALizardKing
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife started coming down with the flu, and I asked if she'd had some citrus. "Oh, I forgot," she said. To which I replied:

"Orange you glad I reminded you?"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Proud dad moment

Today I held up three colored balls in my hand. One red, one green, and one blue. My 1yr old son (after much debate) chose the red one. I’ve never been so proud. He has earned the right to play with my old game boy now.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Engineer_7
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Today my son learned that banks pay you to keep your money and earn more with it.

He said it was interesting.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2018
🚨︎ report
A penny saved is NOT a penny earned

A penny saved, is actually about 1.25 pennies, once you account for Income Tax.

[my dad works for the Canadian tax department (IRS) and he used to always say that when I was a kid. He thought he was very funny. I'm now starting to see the wisdom in that statement.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/patchy_22
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the foot earn for coming first in the running competition?

A golden toe-ken.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pdonkey
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
🚨︎ report
[OC] - Where do bears keep their hard earned honey?

In their 401-Kave!

^______^

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RyanOnTheCoast
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2019
🚨︎ report
11 years ago my mother decided to go back and finish school. She earned her bachelors, masters, and just got her PhD. She asked if I was proud of her

"What's with the third degree?"

πŸ‘︎ 229
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pzl
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2017
🚨︎ report
I earned a solid groan today

I was doing a maternity shoot for a nice family expecting their second. The dad is a pharmacist. I told him that I was never very good at chemistry, but one time I read a book about helium and I could NOT put it down.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cellocat007
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Got my first tattoo today

But it was only temporary.

(I see that image posts aren't allowed in this sub but gosh darn it, I earned this one. I throw myself on your mercy, mods.)
(Edit: Amazing, thank you for the silver, gold, and the platinum reward of Reddit: long self referential chains of bad jokes.)

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theophan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
🚨︎ report
People love to rabbit on about how much they earn
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Randyotter
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2017
🚨︎ report
I asked the librarian if the library had any books about paranoia.

She whispered, "They're right behind you..."

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZappBrannigansLaw
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2018
🚨︎ report
We’ve just had a decorator in to do some work on the house. I got chatting to him and it turns out he is a British Airways pilot who’s been furloughed and earning a bit of extra cash.

He made a lovely job of the landing.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tommadds
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
🚨︎ report

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