My partner is telling me that I'm gaining a lot of weight from eating a lot of Indian food

But I think it's a naan issue.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/brichouse
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
When people comment on my gaining weight, I like to call my Dad body.

My father figure.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What section of the police is obsessed with gaining proof of age?

C.I.D

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maccer20
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2019
🚨︎ report
You know gaining weight actually makes anything more attractive

Gravitationally attractive that is

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlueRac
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2019
🚨︎ report
A side effect of gaining weight is often...

a waning gait.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Flexremmington
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I’m trying to cut down my fortnite play time as I think I’m gaining an addiction

I tend to play it every couple of weeks now.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lsharpe23
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2018
🚨︎ report
Cemeteries are gaining in popularity recently

People are just dying to get in (The original dad joke)

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mattmilli1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2018
🚨︎ report
Legally Blind Man Throws in a Dad Joke After Gaining his Sight Back (Video)

"What's it like Mark?" "Eye Opening" http://youtu.be/3BtKgD6CeA8?t=48s

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pwnageperson32
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2015
🚨︎ report
No pain, no gain
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WetSoggyTaco
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2021
🚨︎ report
But think of the gains!
πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ“…︎ May 14 2021
🚨︎ report
A formerly blind man finishes his last round of eye surgery to gain his sight. The doctor asks if he has any last questions.

Patient: no, I think I'll see my self out.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/waldo06
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Emphasis on laundry rotation
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PrimaryStrict
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the Sweet Potato say when it gained consciousness?

I think therefore I Yam.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/symbologythere
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
🚨︎ report
What does a Mandalorian say when they see they've gained a few pounds?

This is the Weigh.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StephenHunterUK
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
What's a doctor hope to gain from a urine test?

Whizdom

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
A good title for a conservative news article a couple days ago when Trump declared β€œStop the count!” after Biden started making gains but Trump still could’ve shocked the world would’ve been...

β€œTrump’s Not Down For the Count”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shadow_Boxer1987
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Glass coffins - will they gain popularity?

Remains to be seen!

πŸ‘︎ 300
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sierrasport
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the starfish sing when they gained independence?

Sea stars are doin' it for themselves

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gubaxter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Doctor I think I’ve gained the ability to see into the future

It all started next Tuesday

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lucarboi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the thief on the run for stealing laundry detergent?

…he’s wanted for his ill-begotten Gain

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/leddyzz
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2021
🚨︎ report
The legalize cannabis party had a fair few stoners voting for it this past election, but not enough to gain power

That’s a lot of wasted votes

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lukeurmyson
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you gain the trust of a squirrel?

You gotta act like a nut

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tin12345678
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
In a recent interview with David Draiman a reporter commented on his remarkable quarantine weight gain.

Disturbed's lead singer just laughed like a monkey and said he was "down with the thiccness."

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Catillionaire
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What did Slovakia say when they gained independence?

Czechia later.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MosesActual
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Sure, I drink brake fluid

But I can stop anytime.

πŸ‘︎ 324
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Merlin-5
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a rugby player who took doping to gain an edge against his opponents?

A drugby player

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NicolasReadsStuff
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
🚨︎ report
In life you gain some, you lose some. Can't have it all.

Like, you gain inheritance, you lose your dad.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/barujje_moshai
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I've gained almost 20 pounds since the quarantine...

I call it my Covid- 19

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RustyWood86
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Gain The Rock Johnson
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DunkieMcBuckets
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My theory on inertia

Has never gained momentum

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jdbsplashum
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
🚨︎ report
I gain too much weight around the holidays

I need to stop eating cold turkey

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/musingsofmadness
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I stole this one
πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I finished my first year of university, but I gained 34 lbs...

First it was the Freshman-15, then the Covid-19.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1stdayof
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
🚨︎ report
People who abuse steroids have ill-gotten gains
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Max_Is_Homo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Why can't shellfish play video games?

They can't gain the mussel memory

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lorelei178
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report
What puns can I tell when I want to tell my friends I got a boyfriend?
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/reginanine
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend Wat never gains weight on vacation

Wat goes a round, comes a round

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jpereira73
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ve gained axis to the texts!
πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mehaxe
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do thieves never steal detergent?

They have nothing to Gain from it.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zakk5450
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
🚨︎ report
My cat gained so much weight that I had to put her down

My arms got tired but I'll pick her up again later

πŸ‘︎ 75
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JennaTalia22
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I gained half a pound. imgur.com/PgzGrMi
πŸ‘︎ 343
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IanGecko
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2017
🚨︎ report
I didn't mean to gain so much weight.

It happened by snaccident.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
🚨︎ report
if you wrote an essay about why capitalism was bad

would you gain or lose marks for not using capital letters...?

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PedroHicko
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
If you’ve gained weight and nobody wants to mention it, you are the elephant in the room reddit.com/r/Showerthough…
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Been working out for a few months and am finally seeing my gains.
πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CAGoldenBear
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2018
🚨︎ report
What happened to the men who smashed all the windows in their office building..

They're now facing a glass action lawsuit.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AEvans1888
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report

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