Special moment: giving my sun his first bath.
I considered giving up my honey business and joining a cult
But I'm just not a bee leaver.
Edit: Thank you for the award, friend!!!!
My wife rang me at the pub and said, “If you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.” I was home in 5 minutes.
I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.
Given that a case of the sniffles means staying home from school, we give my daughter a daily allergy medicine. My wife was giving her breakfast before school, and when I walked out, I asked if she’d had her medicine yet.
My daughter said yes, and I replied, “So you’re de-Claritin that you’ve had it already?”
I need help following up with this pun, this is a video about a scientist giving a lecture about fire, I can’t think of any more other than pun-ch line
I’m giving up being an electrician.
He was sentenced to drinking spruce tea or leaving for 6 months because he was teaching the youth how to be passive-aggressive. His disciple Playdoh wrote half a screenplay about him before giving up and finding a real job.
TIFU by mixing up my coworkers' sandwich orders and not giving them what they requested.
Santa Claus announced that he’s giving everyone the same gardening tool for Christmas.
How do you pay someone that is giving you a circumcision?
Tell em’ to keep the tip.
My barber wanted me to sign a long term service agreement before giving me a haircut, but I refused!
I just couldn't accept all those perms and conditions!
I’m giving up drinking till Christmas.
Sorry, forgot punctuation.
I’m giving up. Drinking till Christmas.
i’m giving up masturbating for an entire month
sorry, poor punctuation.
i’m giving up! masturbating for an entire month.
I am giving up drinking for a month.
Sorry, that came out wrong.
I am giving up. Drinking for a month.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo
I'm giving all your toys to the orphanage, son.
You'll need something to play with.
I did a good deed today by giving up my seat on the bus to an elderly lady...
How was I supposed to know she’d never driven a bus before?
I've started giving things Arabic names for the fun of it.
Think I'm giving Halloween a miss this year...
After all, I've been munching sweeta and wearing a mask since March.
I showed a picture of a sheep giving birth to some kids and asked if they knew what animal it was.
A local supermarket was giving away 100% free face masks
But there were no strings attached.
My neighbor was giving away batteries
They were free of charge.
I accidentally trod on a beaker of acid while giving a talk about work safety...
After that I didnt have a leg to stand on
Tennis player Sampras needed rice wine and sent me to buy a bottle without giving me cash...
For Pete's sake, I guess he wants me to pay for it myself!
TIFU giving money to Ninja instead of CallMeCarson.
A Korean martial artist was giving away chocolate bars. I asked if I could have 2. He said...
"No. You can taek-won-do."
I passed a guy giving away watches on the street.
He must have a lot of free time on his hands.
I just learned that they're giving away soda in the Swiss mountains.
Apparently there's a guy up there just shouting, "Freeeee Colaaaaa"
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond.
Since quarantine started, I’ve decided to dedicate myself to giving to Charity.
I’m pretty sure that’s not her real name but she sure does like those dollar bills.
Four men are sitting in a hospital waiting room because their wives are all giving birth,
A nurse comes up to the first man and says, “Congratulations! You are the proud father of a pair of twins!”
“That’s funny...” the man said, “I work for Twin Peaks!”
Another nurse comes into the room and goes to the second man and says, “Congratulations! Your wife has just given birth to triplets!”
“That’s funny...” the second man said, “ I work for the 3M company!”
Yet another nurse comes into the room and says to the third man, “Congratulations! Your wife has just given birth to quadruplets!”
“That’s so funny...” said the third man, “I work at the Four Seasons Hotel!”
The last man is groaning and whining in obvious agony, “What’s wrong?” the other men ask.
“I work at Seven Eleven.” He replied.
Happy Fathers Day!
My optometrist was sued for giving bad prescriptions.
When asked about the lawsuit, he claimed he "never saw it coming".
While giving birth to a set of twins, the mother losses consciousness.
The doctor called in the woman’s brother from the waiting room and asked if he would like to name the children. The brother agrees.
When the mother wakes up, the doctor informs her that her brother has named the children while she was unconscious.
She said “Oh no... my brother is an idiot. What did he name the kids?”
The doctors replied “Well, the girl’s name is Denise!”
“Oh, that’s not so bad! And the boy?”
“Denephew”
My girlfriend tried giving me some flatfish last night instead of cod!
Somebody was giving me a synopsis of their fan fic that includes a killer clown, a talking dog, and a flying house and at the end they said
A total dad joke I made up last night- What do you call an avocado that's giving you the silent treatment?
It's so hot outside that my cow started giving powdered milk
A wizard dad became concerned that whenever his son went to the bathroom, he wasn't giving himself privacy.
One day, the dad went to use the bathroom, thinking it was unused. There was a loud crash and he sighed, staring down at the scattered mess on the floor.
"Please, son," he said, "will you quit leaving the door a jar?"
In the Disney animated picture, Ratatouille, Remy controls Linguini actions by pulling his hair, giving him a perfect palette. The little chef’s squeak is the only other voice Linguini ever really hears at home.
I guess you could say Remy is Linguini’s voice of season
I am a little confused about why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday
I don't know what to make of it
I remember my father giving me some sound advice on his deathbed.
He said "It's worth spending money on a good set of speakers."
The local humane society is giving away male geese for free.
I might go take a gander.
"Back so soon? I thought you went for a haircut, dad?" asked my son. "Well..." I replied. "My barber wanted me to sign a long term service agreement before giving me a haircut, but I refused."
"I couldn't accept all those perms and conditions."
I am giving up drinking for a month
Sorry that came out wrong.
I am giving up. Drinking for a month.
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