Now that Donald Trump is no longer President, the United States is experiencing post-nut clarity.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 26 2021
What would happen if the USA switched from Pounds to Kilograms?
There would be mass confusion
π︎ 933
π
︎ Feb 16 2021
Donald Trump is currently organizing pigeons against the united states government.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Feb 10 2021
I have an ant infestation in my fridge and air-conditioning units!
π︎ 16
π
︎ Jan 16 2021
How does United Airlines treat their passengers?
π︎ 51
π
︎ Nov 23 2020
For my birthday in mid-January, I invited a few friends over to a highly populated urban residential area consisting mostly of closely packed, decrepit housing units inhabited primarily by impoverished persons.
It's my first slum-brrrr party so wish us luck!
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 11 2021
Whatβs a monkβs favorite unit of measurement?
π︎ 20
π
︎ Dec 20 2020
My AC unit is quacking...
I think it's the air ducts
π︎ 14
π
︎ Nov 26 2020
What did the Commanding General of the United States Army say after having his budget approved?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 08 2020
There's a department of the United Nations which tries to improve the quality of food in restaurants.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 05 2020
Ahh yes... Frants
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Nov 17 2020
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Oct 23 2020
What comes after the USA?
π︎ 48
π
︎ Jan 29 2021
Itβs the lighter fluid
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Sep 06 2020
I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough.
I've just handed in my too weak notice.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Oct 22 2020
Dude 1: βHey bro?β Dude 2: βYeah bro?β Dude 1: βCan you hand me that pamphlet?β
π︎ 16k
π
︎ Sep 25 2020
What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?
The centaur of attention..... ill see myself out
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Oct 13 2020
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "You are in here a lot, do you think you have a drinking problem?"
The horse says, "I don't think so," then disappears into nothing.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. The classic philosophy put forward by RenΓ© Descartes.
But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Sep 05 2020
The United States Postal Service got jokes
π︎ 17
π
︎ Aug 10 2020
A man went to the doctorβs and told him, βI feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.β
He said, βWow, thatβs the worst case of parking sonβs disease Iβve ever seen.β
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Sep 17 2020
My cousin died when an A/C unit fell on him.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Aug 08 2020
What unit of measurement do you use to weigh your linens?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Sep 30 2020
My 4 year old just told her first dad joke, and I've never been more proud.
My pregnant wife is wearing a white shirt that has a pumpkin painted over her belly, for Halloween. We are having another little girl, and have set on the name Ellie.
My daughter comes home, and is greeted by my wife.
4yo: "I like your shirt mama!
Wife: "Aww thank you! Do you like my pumpkin belly?
4yo: "...I like your pumpkin Ellie!"
π︎ 903
π
︎ Oct 31 2020
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
π︎ 17k
π
︎ Aug 22 2020
Why do they always use thieves as the high speed units in RPGs?
Because they're so dodgy.
π︎ 22
π
︎ Aug 06 2020
I tried to trademark an unit for pressure...
But the patent office wouldnβt have a bar of it
π︎ 7
π
︎ Aug 20 2020
Do you know why the French eat just one egg for breakfast?
Because in France, one egg is Un ouef.
π︎ 845
π
︎ Oct 22 2020
Currently in the process of uniting a kingdom
π︎ 12
π
︎ May 15 2020
My kids were watching a show about identical twins re-united after being separated at birth, and in disbelief that they were wearing matching outfits when they met up.
I said, well, they do have the same genes.
π︎ 18
π
︎ Aug 06 2020
WARNING FOR EVERYONE WHO WANTS THE KFC GAME CONSOLE
Avoid getting a console on launch day. Multiple units had to be recalled due to the circuit boards being "fried".
π︎ 102
π
︎ Dec 24 2020
News broke today that due to salmonella concerns, there is a national recall on just about every type of onion in the united states...
To be honest, I'm not shedding any tears over it.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Aug 03 2020
Lancelot: Men, this is a project where we all need to work together.
Arthur: Unite?
Lancelot: Yes I am.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 01 2021
what do you call a detective electrician?
π︎ 30
π
︎ Nov 25 2020
I had my cornfield all set up to sell in 2 acre units when my realtor suddenly brought me plans for acre units.
He was plotting against me!
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 12 2020
After a heated argument, my kid shouted βJim Morrison was overratedβ
Me: What did I say about slamming The Doors?
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Aug 30 2020
Freddie Mercury, Bruno Mars, and Venus Williams all walk into the same bar.
But they didnβt planet.
π︎ 576
π
︎ Sep 24 2020
What do you call a country of lazy people?
π︎ 331
π
︎ Sep 16 2020
Watt is the unit of power
Punctuate the title however you like.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jun 13 2020
βSpecial Mowing Unitβ
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Jun 29 2018
I find it so sad that the US uses another unit other than Β°C or K for measuring temperature.
π︎ 11
π
︎ May 25 2020
What's the difference between the United States and United Kingdom
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jul 13 2020
Cant weigh to see their face
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Apr 21 2020
What would happen if America switched from using pounds to kilograms as a unit a measure?
π︎ 26
π
︎ Jan 16 2021
Watt is the unit of power?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Feb 08 2020
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