Two whole puns!
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︎ Jun 01 2019
My whole life I thought Chewbacca was an Ewok....
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︎ May 12 2021
This oneβs on a whole new level
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︎ May 12 2021
It's a bit embarrassing to admit on here, but I was once attacked by a whole bunch of street Mimes..
..and they did some unspeakable things to me.
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︎ May 11 2021
Iβd give me wife the whole ocean
But today sheβs only getting a small C-section
Edit: itβs actually true. Today at 10am here in Sweden itβs happening π
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︎ May 13 2021
Did you hear about the man who lost his whole left side?
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︎ Apr 07 2021
Got my sisters whole family with my dumb owl joke, with a bonus follow up groaner
Me: I don't wanna alarm anyone, but I think someone in this room might be an owl.
Sisters kids: Who? WHO?
Me: gasp OH NO IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!
cue 2 hours of 4 small kids running around the house like nutcases screaming who at each other
Sister: You don't get to tell my kids dad jokes anymore. You're not even a dad
Me: I'm a faux pas
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︎ Jan 05 2021
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family
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︎ May 07 2021
I should have been making more jokes about the whole Suez canal situation...
I really missed the boat on that one
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︎ Mar 30 2021
Iβve just been voted the most secretive person in the whole world
I canβt tell you how much this means to me
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︎ Mar 06 2021
After I went to the dentist, I went and recorded a gospel album. My mouth was still numb, so I was drooling the whole time.
The album's called "Songs of Salivation".
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︎ Apr 27 2021
You're in a dirty fistfight against a gang of circus performers. Who do you take down first to weaken the whole team?
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︎ Mar 26 2021
Did you know that there's a whole religion of people that celebrate Pi day?
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︎ Mar 15 2021
Jay Leno went to Morgan Freemanβs house and had a lot of drinks. Leno suddenly started to urinate on Freemanβs carpet. Freeman was furious and ran after him as he kept on urinating. The banker next door saw the whole thing and decided to start a bank...
Kids, that is the true story of how Jay-pee-Morgan-chase was named
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︎ Apr 30 2021
My son asked me if the whole family was just a bunch of pyromaniacs.
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︎ Apr 14 2021
What did the tailor say to his son who tore a whole in his pants.
You better knot do that again.
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︎ Apr 17 2021
I walked into a bar and there was a whole line of people waiting to take a swing at me.
I guess you could call that a punch line
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︎ Mar 12 2021
I was placed under arrest for downloading the whole Wikipedia website
I told the officer "Wait! I can explain everything!!"
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︎ Feb 16 2021
Auntie went up ladder into high part of house. High part of house not so strong. High part of house have dangerous things. I worry about Auntie. She up there long time. Later Auntie come down ladder, safe. Whole event was..
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︎ Mar 27 2021
The wizard in my campaign just got handed a whole bunch of random, unlabeled Sesame Street videos.
He's going to learn how to count or spell.
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︎ Mar 28 2021
I wrote a song about the Suez ship that blocked the whole width of the canal.
It's called Bridge Over Troubled Water.
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︎ Apr 05 2021
Wait, I think I got the whole dating thing wrong
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︎ Feb 10 2021
To avoid Covid on my flight, they converted the whole plane to Catholicism and started praying.
Unfortunately now weβve got a load of confirmed cases...
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︎ Jan 30 2021
I saw a whole shelf of soy milk at the store the other day.
It's great that they've enabled milk to properly introduce themselves to customers.
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︎ Mar 04 2021
My financial advisor wants me to do the whole investor thing.
I bought the vest, any recommendations on a good tour I can take? So I can do my In Vest Tour
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︎ Mar 04 2021
What do you find when you swallow peas whole?
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︎ Feb 12 2021
When a light goes out, it's best to call the whole family.
Because many hands make light work.
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︎ Mar 03 2021
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left half was cut off?
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︎ Jan 10 2021
How do you go a whole day without sleeping?
You just sleep at night.
My boss's kid told told him this this morning. lol
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︎ Feb 04 2021
A whole new level
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︎ Nov 15 2020
Can an Admin tell me why my post was removed? It was very inconvenient... My whole fence fell down
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︎ Jan 20 2021
Before this whole lockdown thing, I went to a musical.
I didn't like it. Too much sax and violins.
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︎ Feb 08 2021
There is only one you in the whole world...
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︎ Dec 30 2020
Iβm at wedding and Iβm very thirsty so I am walking all around the whole ballroom looking for something to drink.
I canβt find the punchline.
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︎ Jan 14 2021
Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn.
Just to make the cremation process a little bit more interesting.
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︎ Nov 21 2020
Did you guys hear about the guy that had the whole left side of his body amputated?
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︎ Nov 25 2020
I have a plan to live on two bucks for the whole next year.
Step 1: get a hunting license.
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︎ Dec 16 2020
I have mixed opinions on Asia as a whole
While South Korea is absolutely lively, the rest of Asia is completely Seoulless.
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︎ Dec 07 2020
A Whole turkey was eaten by Leroy Sane.
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︎ Jan 20 2021
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︎ Dec 04 2020
In a field with lots of sheep and lambs roaming around, a giant wolf appeared and swallowed whole a baby lamb. The lamb whined and yelped nonstop for hours on end. After a while the wolf started getting sick, and yet the lamb yelped and whined ever louder.
Finally the wolf died and the baby lamb walked out of the wolf and rejoined itβs momma in the flock of sheep. Turns out the wolf died of internal bleating.
All credit goes to my coworker.
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︎ Dec 09 2020
Finally got around to watching the whole βBack to the Futureβ trilogy!
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︎ Nov 28 2020
My kids get confused when I throw whole basil leaves at them this time of year
But as they say, 'tis the season
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︎ Dec 24 2020
Made pancakes yesterday and the whole house smelled like lavender
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︎ Nov 05 2020
Instead of decorating my whole house this year, I decided to put all of my lights in my drinks cupboard instead..
We'll Christmas is all about Makings Spirits Bright
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︎ Dec 11 2020
A man was swallowed whole by a whale..
He ran to the end until he was all pooped out.
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︎ Dec 08 2020
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left half was cut off?
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︎ Jan 10 2021
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