LPT: If you are trying to stay in a hotel that’s completely booked, just tell the receptionist that your name is “improvement”.
Because there’s always room for improvement.
I planted a few hostas around my house, and now they've gotten so big that they've completely outgrown all my other decorative plants.
Unidentified male charged with two completely different crimes in the produce aisle.
What can you attach to a ball, a harp, or a cart to make something completely different?
I came out to my Car this morning, and it was completely covered in fallen leaves..
..you could call it an Autumnobile now !
My therapist just told me that I'm completely incapable of expressing my feelings.
I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely....
.....if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
What do you call an amusement park ride that's completely made out of iron?
Completely Innapropriate Dad Joke Guy (A Sketch)
Not sure if links to videos are allowed here but I made a sketch that’s on topic so I hope you enjoy.
How many bottles of each perfume will it take to completely fill one shelf?
A sheep wakes up to find that she's at a completely different farm.
None of the other sheep seem alarmed, so she goes and asks another sheep what's going on.
"Oh, haven't you herd?"
I had this crazy dream where I was completely weightless...
As a short guy, I was completely sure there was nothing to be done about my height. I went to the doctor, turns out I had scoliosis.
Got this from my 7 yr old this morning while he was getting in the car and didn’t get the door closed completely.
When is a door also a good container?
When it’s ajar.
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."
"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."
So they did.
Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.
And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
You know you’ve made a terrible joke when you make the math teacher completely lose it.
Teacher: “If acceleration is constant, we get all these really nice formulas. If acceleration is not constant, the math gets messy.”
Me: “You might say that for ruining the math, it’s being a jerk.”
When my kids found that the fall term would be completely online, the result was instant drama and tears.
But now that we had a few drinks, we feel better.
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting
/r/Jokes/comments/iya4l4/…
I've just got some new glasses, and when I first put them on, I could see tiny little people with wings at the end of the garden. I rang my optician to report the problem, but he said it was completely normal with these glasses...
Ever since I went through with my sex change operation my kids have been completely ignoring me
It's like I'm transparent.
I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.
I'm not sure what scared him more. MY naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived !
I saw a great deal online for a 'Replica Rolex' for only $50. I just opened the box and found it is completely made of wood...
To make matters worse, it is covered with a dark circular imperfection in the wood grain. I won't accept this - knot on my watch.
I designed a crash proof jet plane, its made completely out of rubber.
I'm a builder and my work is completely unparalleled.
I can't ever seem to get the beams to line up with each other.
A pun is not completely matured...
...until it is full groan.
I wrote a pun about puzzles the other day but completely forgot it
If anyone could help me piece it together that’d be great.
Disney isn't going to die and go out of business even though they completely shut down operations and didn't produce anything for three months.
They just suspended animation.
There was once a scientist doing research on some microscopic organisms. To his surprise he found out that a particular species was completely homosexual.
My wife has completely changed since she went vegan
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
From my dad, a minute ago: “your mom and I went to a completely pitch black restaurants once”
“They didn’t have any seafood there!”
A customer ordered a foot long cold cut trio and I completely zoned out and accidentally made him a 6" meatball.
I completely understand coin minters
In fact, they've always made perfect cents.
Ernest Vincent Wright wrote a novel in 1939 called "Gadsby", which completely avoids use of the letter "E".
My son used to be COMPLETELY addicted to Thomas the Tank Engine - but it’s no longer a problem because
Yoga bends. Yoga stretches. Yoga realizes he’s completely out of shape.
They say the next big innovation in air travel is completely transparent planes, but I don’t know...
I can’t see it taking off.
Coins find me completely insufferable
I just caught my son googling porn web sites, and I’m completely heartbroken.
We are strictly a Bing family.
I’ve been working a long time. My job is hard, unfulfilling and honestly, doesn’t pay that great. I think it’s time for a change of pace for me. I’ve decided to go into a completely different direction and become a pig rancher.
It’s the only way I can bring home the bacon.
A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence
A friend completely mis-said something. 5 minutes of crappy mobile photoshop later....
I was trying to get help for my mental health issues, but the guy helping me turned out to be completely crazy
He was a psycho therapist
Who is the only U.S. president who is completely not guilty.
Abraham Lincoln, because he is "in-a-cent"
My therapist just told me that I’m completely incapable of expressing my feelings.
I went out to my car this morning, and it was completely covered in fallen leaves..
..you could call it an Autumnobile now !
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