Did you know a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence?
For example
- I ate my friend's lunch
- I ate my friend's colon
Sooo, I completely misunderstood Pride month.
Does anyone want to buy 15 lions?
What do you call something completely covered in cheese other than delicious?
My friend went completely bald years ago, but he still carries a comb with him...
He just can't part with it.
Doctor- Your body is completely out of magnesium.
Patient- OMG!
Doctor- Exactly
I am completely mesmerized by your front door
The touching in this image is completely nonsexual
Did you hear about the guy who went on a fruit diet? In just 2 days, he became completely obnoxious
Evidently, it is enough to make a Mango crazy
I found it completely inappropriate that the priest was making fun of me during my confession...
...I should have known, since he was wearing Mock-a-sins.
LPT: If you are trying to stay in a hotel that’s completely booked, just tell the receptionist that your name is “improvement”.
Because there’s always room for improvement.
Melinda was completely shook by her divorce. She had to see a therapist
She said to her therapist: "I feel like I am trapped in a room with no windows and gates"
The guys fixing the potholes on our road have completely disappeared.
I have no idea when they’re going to resurface.
My therapist just told me that I’m completely incapable of expressing my feelings.
Can’t say that I’m surprised.
I planted a few hostas around my house, and now they've gotten so big that they've completely outgrown all my other decorative plants.
My wife designed a dress made completely from recycled whiteboards!
It's really quite remarkable!
Unidentified male charged with two completely different crimes in the produce aisle.
What can you attach to a ball, a harp, or a cart to make something completely different?
I came out to my Car this morning, and it was completely covered in fallen leaves..
..you could call it an Autumnobile now !
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."
"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."
So they did.
Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.
And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
As a short guy, I was completely sure there was nothing to be done about my height. I went to the doctor, turns out I had scoliosis.
What do you call an amusement park ride that's completely made out of iron?
How many bottles of each perfume will it take to completely fill one shelf?
I had this crazy dream where I was completely weightless...
I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely....
.....if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
A sheep wakes up to find that she's at a completely different farm.
None of the other sheep seem alarmed, so she goes and asks another sheep what's going on.
"Oh, haven't you herd?"
Completely Innapropriate Dad Joke Guy (A Sketch)
Not sure if links to videos are allowed here but I made a sketch that’s on topic so I hope you enjoy.
Got this from my 7 yr old this morning while he was getting in the car and didn’t get the door closed completely.
When is a door also a good container?
When it’s ajar.
You know you’ve made a terrible joke when you make the math teacher completely lose it.
Teacher: “If acceleration is constant, we get all these really nice formulas. If acceleration is not constant, the math gets messy.”
Me: “You might say that for ruining the math, it’s being a jerk.”
When my kids found that the fall term would be completely online, the result was instant drama and tears.
But now that we had a few drinks, we feel better.
I've just got some new glasses, and when I first put them on, I could see tiny little people with wings at the end of the garden. I rang my optician to report the problem, but he said it was completely normal with these glasses...
Ever since I went through with my sex change operation my kids have been completely ignoring me
It's like I'm transparent.
I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.
I'm not sure what scared him more. MY naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived !
I saw a great deal online for a 'Replica Rolex' for only $50. I just opened the box and found it is completely made of wood...
To make matters worse, it is covered with a dark circular imperfection in the wood grain. I won't accept this - knot on my watch.
A pun is not completely matured...
...until it is full groan.
I designed a crash proof jet plane, its made completely out of rubber.
I'm a builder and my work is completely unparalleled.
I can't ever seem to get the beams to line up with each other.
I wrote a pun about puzzles the other day but completely forgot it
If anyone could help me piece it together that’d be great.
Disney isn't going to die and go out of business even though they completely shut down operations and didn't produce anything for three months.
They just suspended animation.
My wife has completely changed since she went vegan
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
From my dad, a minute ago: “your mom and I went to a completely pitch black restaurants once”
“They didn’t have any seafood there!”
There was once a scientist doing research on some microscopic organisms. To his surprise he found out that a particular species was completely homosexual.
My son used to be COMPLETELY addicted to Thomas the Tank Engine - but it’s no longer a problem because
A customer ordered a foot long cold cut trio and I completely zoned out and accidentally made him a 6" meatball.
I just caught my son googling porn web sites, and I’m completely heartbroken.
We are strictly a Bing family.
My therapist just told me that I’m completely incapable of expressing my feelings.
My therapist just told me that I'm completely incapable of expressing my feelings.
I went out to my car this morning, and it was completely covered in fallen leaves..
..you could call it an Autumnobile now !
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
