Daughter: Do we have any more wrapping paper?
Me: Nope, mom used the last of it. You'll have to use hip-hopping paper instead.
Call-cu-later.
My friend gave me a procrastination test for Christmas last year, still haven’t done it
I found this on a christmas card, and as someone that loves dad jokes more than life itself, here is goes
"What does Santa say when he walks backwards?"
"OH OH OH!"
Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance Sir Lance.
TLDR; I wanted to say Sir Lancelot
I searched for lighters but ti only came up whith 14,852 matches
What would be the perfect name for a Chinese stand up comedian?
Ti Ming
I’m hard of hearing now
Edit: Thank you kind strangers for the awards
Edit 2: Tis a HARD joke to beat
Thanks for nothing
But as they say, 'tis the season
I think to myself ‘Oh I used to say this joke’. So in my best pirate voice I laugh and say, “R!”
Smirking, my 6 yo replies, “Aye, you’d think so, but it ‘tis the C!”
Proud moment right there folks!
....because freedom rings.
Edit: wow this is getting decent attention, Happy Brexit 1776 everyone!
Edit 2: top 50 all time on r/dadjokes and I'm not even a dad yet!
Start praying man, ‘tis the season.
Aye, you thought it was an arrR but it tis the C
Edit: my son corrected me
(After being outside for 2 hours)
Daughter: Daddy, why didn't I get a sunburn?
Me: You can't, honey.
Daughter: Really?
Me: You can only get a daughterburn.
I never have the time
He was defeated
This guy found a Leprechaun tossing a pebble back and forth. The guy said, "Hey, what are you doing with that pebble?" The Leprechaun replied, "Oh, 'tis not a real pebble, it be plastic" "Well..." the guy replied "...Then why do you have a plastic pebble?" The Leprechaun responded, "It's me shamrock"
You cant spell advertisements without the semen between the tits
A lot of folks seem to need help with this so ------- adver ti semen ts
Me: (having heard this one before) Arrr!
Friend's Dad: (pirate accent) You'd think it'd be R, but tis really the C!
Man-tis day sucked
Ro me ti
A tiYARRa. 👑
Child: RRRRrrrr!
Dad: Nay! 'Tis the C
They told me my playing was awesome! I said: "I'm only playing sad music, 'tis nothing major"...
ti
Quick little blurb I wrote in class: “To pee, or not to pee, that is the question. Whether ‘tis nobler in the bladder to suffer the slings and arrows of painful retention. Or to take arm against a see of urine and by opposing relive it. To go-to pee, No more; and by a leak we say to end the headache and the thousand visceral shocks that urine is heir to: ‘tis a consummation devoutly to be piss’d. “
Funny collection of chemistry puns
What do you get when you mix sulfur, tungsten, and silver? SWAG
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water? A one molar solution.
How do Sulfur and Oxygen communicate? A sulfone
What do you call Iron blowing in the wind? Febreeze.
Why do chemists call helium, curium, and barium the healing elements? Because if you can’t helium or curium, you barium!
Why did the noble gas cry? Because all his friends argon.
Why did the acid go to the gym? To become a buffer solution!
Why can you never trust atoms? They make up everything!
Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak? Because it’s in the ground state.
How many moles are in a guacamole? Avocado’s number.
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.
What element is a girl’s future best friend? Carbon.
I had to make these bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na
Why can you never trust atoms? They make up everything!
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.
What do you do with a dead chemists? Barium
What animal is made up of calcium, nickel and neon? A CaNiNe
What did the chemist snack on during lunch? A ‘gram’ cracker.
What would you call a clown in jail? Silicon (Silly Con)
What weapon can you make from the elements potassium, nickel and iron? A KNiFe.
How did carbon propose to Hydrogen? With a “carbonkneel”
What did one titration tell the other? Let’s meet at the endpoint.
How can you spot a chemist in the restroom? They wash their hands before they go.
Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.
Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na
Why do chemistry professors like to teach about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.
Did you hear about the chemist who was reading a book about helium? He just could not put it down
Why do chemistry professor like to
... keep reading on reddit ➡She was telling me about what she had been reading in the newspaper today when she dropped this one on me.
GF: "Did you hear about the guy that got hit in the head with a can of pop?"
Me: "No?"
Gf: "Luckily it was a pretty soft drink."
ba dum tis.
"'Tis eye, Liquid!"
We were preparing steaks to grill with her family for dinner. As we are tenderizing the meat, she asks me to grab the spices. As I open the cabinet, I grab the spices and exclaim "Ah, tis' the seasoning!"
She did not find it as amusing as I did.
Japanese Father Kills 12yr Old Son for not Studying http://ti.me/2bjC5ra
