I ran into this vegan girl who said she knew me
I had to tell her I'd never met herbivore.
π︎ 544
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︎ Dec 17 2020
My wife ran over someone , and was sentenced to 10 years imprisonment.
She got out after 5 years and I had to serve the remaining 5.
We always finish each others sentences.
π︎ 63
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︎ Jan 13 2021
I ran into my friend Mark who stole my dictionary.
I said, βMark, my words!β
π︎ 71
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︎ Jan 14 2021
I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......
......... The Times are really Rough!!!
π︎ 62
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︎ Dec 16 2020
The skipper of a 40 ton trawler which ran aground in Hull during the early hours of Sunday was reported to be 6 times over the legal limit for sailing. Authorities said they had no idea what to do with a drunken sailor early in the morning.
π︎ 20
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︎ Dec 28 2020
A man recently ran up to me announcing that he was a primary color, then instructed me to perform a modern dance trend on the fourth letter of the alphabet and food coloring.
He said "I'm blue, dab a D, dab a dye".
π︎ 7
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︎ Jan 14 2021
I ran out of gas on the side of the road. Along comes a swarm of bees.
I was confused, but they seemed friendly. I told them what was going on, and they said: open the gas cap. One by one, each bee flew into the tank, and to my astonishment the gas gage went from empty to full. The bees said: start the car. So, I did and it ran. I asked them: what did you put in the tank? Bee pee.
π︎ 14
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︎ Dec 13 2020
A big cat was spotted winning every race he ran.
π︎ 6
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︎ Dec 26 2020
Ran out of toilet paper today. Weβre now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
π︎ 66
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︎ Dec 03 2020
What did the winemaker say when he ran out of room?
Ah bugger, Iβm out of Cabernet space!
π︎ 4
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︎ Jan 14 2021
What did the farmer yell to the shepherds who ran away after their flocks ate all his grass?
π︎ 3
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︎ Jan 10 2021
What did the handbag salesman say when he ran out of Camembert at his dinner party?
Sorry, we're all out of Guccis.
π︎ 3
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︎ Dec 31 2020
What did Homer Simpson say when the bakery ran out of bread?
π︎ 2
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︎ Jan 11 2021
I just went to get my glasses fixed and youβll never guess who I ran into when I was there!
Thatβs right!
.... Everyone.
π︎ 145
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︎ Dec 01 2020
What did the tree say when it ran into the mall?
Tina? Larry? Where is everybody?!? Oh my god, theyβre all gone!!! ... Oooh a sale!
π︎ 3
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︎ Dec 28 2020
Did you hear about the mummy that just woke up and is still convinced heβs ruler of Egypt? When told βthatβs impossibleβ he flew into a rage, ran away, and jumped in a river.
People say heβs in da Nile
π︎ 13
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︎ Dec 25 2020
Dad: when I was your age I ran a maratho
Son: you mean marathon.
Dad: no I didnβt finish it.
π︎ 301
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︎ Oct 21 2020
I was so mad when Walmart ran out of figurines for the Nativity
Now I have to attend manger management
π︎ 3
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︎ Dec 11 2020
Doctor: Your body has ran out of Potassium
π︎ 8
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︎ Dec 11 2020
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
Edit: My first ever attempt at a dad joke, and i never thought i would get anywhere this much upvotes. Thank y'all so much!
π︎ 7k
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︎ Jul 17 2020
Did I tell you about the time I ran into a pony at a bar?
He didn't say much though β he was a little horse.
π︎ 18
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︎ Dec 09 2020
I wanted to tell a joke about a dumb person who ran
But that'd just be random
π︎ 10
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︎ Dec 12 2020
Doctor: Your body has ran out of magnesium.
π︎ 39
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︎ Oct 21 2020
What did the butcher say as his arch nemesis ran away?
π︎ 7
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︎ Nov 24 2020
I ran over 5 miles today
Like, what are the odds they were all named Miles? Crazy.
π︎ 392
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︎ Sep 17 2020
My 8-year old ran past me and I shouted to her: "Hey, you lost something!"
She stops and ask "What?"
- "Your speed!"
She glares at me and says: "Dad, you lost something!"
- "What?"
- "Your hair!"
Oof.
True story.
π︎ 300
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︎ Sep 21 2020
Why hasnβt Joe ran for president before?
π︎ 16
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︎ Oct 19 2020
What did the dad tell his son after their beagle ran away?
π︎ 2
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︎ Dec 15 2020
The man was finally about to escape prison when he realised he forgot something. He ran back and grabbed acne cream. Why?
π︎ 8
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︎ Nov 02 2020
What did the fish say when he ran into a cement wall?
π︎ 3
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︎ Dec 04 2020
So proud of my daughter, who ran upstairs to tell me our downstairs toilet was smoking.
She seemed really, really scared. When I told her I couldnβt smell smoke, she showed me this picture: https://imgur.com/gallery/RbplooY, giggling like crazy.
Chip off the old block she is!
Edit: thank you so much for my first ever award!!!
π︎ 625
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︎ Aug 03 2020
There was a television channel ran by pets, the weather forecast was on and inclement weather was being predicted...
High chance of it raining cats and dogs, howling winds, and a possible purricane.
π︎ 5
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︎ Nov 15 2020
I was hiking yesterday, when I suddenly ran in to a cougar....
Almost made me puma pants!
π︎ 122
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︎ Aug 29 2020
A ship carrying purple paint ran into a ship carrying brown paint.
The survivors were marooned.
π︎ 46
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︎ Sep 15 2020
A while ago, someone forgot their bread at the store. So I ran it out to them and said
βExcuse me sir, I think you focaccia bread!β
π︎ 19
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︎ Sep 21 2020
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo
π︎ 27
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︎ Oct 19 2020
A cop ran into a drunk driver and asks the question βHow high are you?β
The drunk driver responds: βNo, its βHi, how are you?ββ
π︎ 11
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︎ Oct 06 2020
Yesterday I suddenly ran into the man who once sold me an antique globe.
π︎ 3
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︎ Oct 30 2020
Led Zeppelin ran a laundry appliance business.
They were called the Dryer Makers.
π︎ 3
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︎ Oct 02 2020
I ran out of toilet paper, so I had use old newspapers...
π︎ 33
π
︎ Dec 28 2020
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?
π︎ 10
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︎ Nov 11 2020
Doctor: your body has ran out of magnesium.
π︎ 6
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︎ Oct 22 2020
Ran out of toilet paper and had to resort to using old newspapers...
Gotta say... these are rough Times.
π︎ 9
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︎ Nov 05 2020
The man was finally about to escape prison when he realised he forgot something. He ran back and grabbed acne cream. Why?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Oct 28 2020
What did the fish say when he ran into a wall?
π︎ 14
π
︎ Oct 02 2020
I was hiking yesterday when suddenly I ran into a cougar!
almost made me puma pants
π︎ 34
π
︎ Aug 30 2020
Doctor - your body has ran out of magnesium!
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 21 2020
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