It’s very noteworthy.
I didn’t expect it to be a period piece
Occupiing this sub
Arya: Yes I am. Sansa: Yes I am. Robb: Yes I am. Bran: Yes I am. Rickon: Yes I am. Ned: Yes I am. Jon Snow: No, I'm not
I've caught the car owner virus !
me: i'm terrified of random letters
therapist: you are?
therapist: oh i see
me: [screaming intensifies]
...and I shout at him, “HEY! What is that in your mouth!?!” And he smiles at me and says with the sweetest voice, “teeth.” 🤦♂️ Does this make him the dad now?
Forseer: "how else?"
I said: "There's the door."
"How could you let your wife leave without saying goodbye?" I see her off, Anon.
Donald : Wrong!
Donald : Im peach
It was a difficult habit to kick.
Is just wrong on so many levels
It's just not my cup of tea.
He calls it Nyetflix
Man, what an asshole!
He said, "You are?" and I screamed.
He replied, "Oh, I see" and I screamed harder.
The fat one won't fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?
I lashed out at him.
Just to take the edge off
Me: “I’m not very hungry. I just want something easy.”
Server: “...Maybe the chicken strips for $6?”
Me: “Maybe it does, but that doesn’t help me with my hunger.”
Random Dad across the restaurant: “GOOD ONE!”
Credit to @TravisTeeh on Twitter
I DK what it meant
"Vet? I'm fucking soaked!"
It was quite bazaar
My girlfriend and I were walking with her carrying a backpack and I was holding a bag of ice on each shoulder.
Random woman walks by and just looks at both of us and goes "she's really giving you the cold shoulder"
I was just floored. I never saw her before and I've never seen her again but I really hope things are working out for her.
Me: were you having a jamboree earlier?
“Left some gas in it for you”
I asked the waiter who it was."It's the nuts," he said, "they're complimentary."
I got weeded out.
I always reply, “Pineapple!”
"Have you tried the Alphabetical Order House dictionary? It's way easier to find stuff."
I told my brothers friends that men and ants were the only species who can conduct war.
One of them asked "Who made the study to find that out?"
And from behind comes "An Ant-thropologist"
He asks them to feel my jacket/shirt/whatever I'm wearing. He then asks if they recognise the fabric. When they respond with "no," he'll tell them:
"That's boyfriend material."
This happened a few weeks ago. I had a little extra time at lunch one day so I decided to stop at a furniture store since we've been looking at getting a new couch.
I'm leisurely walking around the store browsing with my hands in my pockets when I see an elderly couple being shown around by the salesman. The old gentleman sees me and gets a smirk. He wobbles over too me, away from his wife and the salesman, leans in so only I can hear and, out of the blue, says:
"He who has his hands in his pockets has more on the ball than at first it would seem."
He smiles, says nothing else, and wobbles back. That put a smile on my face and had me laughing the rest of the day.
I'm drawing a plank.
Imho, the father of /u/SweatingToilet joins the dadjoke Hall of Fame with this gem.
Her: "I am stuck in bed with a bum ankle."
Me: "That's disgusting! What happened to the rest of the bum?"
So it's an Ancient Greek Philosophy class discussing the Presocratic philosophers of the sixth and fifty centuries BC and we were discussing Pythagoras.
One student was asking about the harmony of numbers in music that Pythagoras came up with and was amazed that he came up with that so long ago.
Student: "So he came up with all that way back then? Jesus Christ that's crazy!"
Me: "No this was before Christ."
Fortunately, everyone in my class appreciated it. Not enough groans though.. I'll do better next time.
My dad said "Boy, I hope this snow keeps up!"
I asked why, and he said "That way it doesn't come down!"
and she says to me "Do we know anybody from there?"
"I don't think so, but now that I think about it I'm surprised they weren't the first ones to legalize weed."
Drop my house shoes.
Edit: O-HIGH-O, as in get high...I can't tell if having to explain it too the internet makes it better or worse
"What seat do you have? ...oh, 19-F? Well everyone will see me in 3-D."
Walked by a man wearing a "Free Weezy" shirt. Stopped him and asked him what a weezy was and how much did they normally cost. He was not pleased
Therapist: you are?
Therapist: I see
Me: I'm terrified of random letters.
Therapist: Are you?
Therapist: Oh I see.
Me: [screaming intensifies]
I said "There's the door"