I ran out of toilet paper, so I used newspaper instead...
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︎ Mar 25 2021
Doctor: Sorry sir but your body has ran out of Magnesium
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︎ Mar 30 2021
A little boy ran up to me " please help, my Dad is in a fight " I followed and we came across two men fighting. I said, " Ok, which one is your Dad ? " ..
.. " I dunno, that's what they're fighting about "
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︎ Jan 22 2021
What did the fish say when he ran into a wall?
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︎ Apr 09 2021
Did you know you can only ran through a camp ground?
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︎ Mar 29 2021
I ran into my old barber today after going to a different guy for the last few months. He asked me why Iβm not coming in to the shop anymore and I said,
βYou just havenβt been cutting it lately.β
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︎ Apr 05 2021
Did you hear that a car full of garlic, ginger, and lemongrass ran a red light in the middle of the city, injuring tens of people?
It was a fragrant disregard for public safety.
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︎ Mar 20 2021
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasantβs head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Dukeβs son and knocked him off the battle field.
Yeah, apparently it was the first ever serf face to heir missile.
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︎ Mar 22 2021
Why is it you can only ran through campgrounds?
Because it is passed tents.
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︎ Mar 31 2021
I ran over a nail and popped my tire when my wife and I left the farmers market.
I should have bought asparagus.
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︎ Feb 24 2021
The prosthetics store down the street ran out of stock...
Things are really getting out of hand...
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︎ Mar 15 2021
I heard thunder nearby, so I ran around and turned on all the lights.
When kids asked me why, I said "where's there's thunder, there's lighting!"
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︎ Apr 09 2021
When I ran out of protein powder, I was like....
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︎ Apr 01 2021
What did the captain of the Ever Given say when the ship ran aground?
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︎ Mar 31 2021
I went to a restaurant, and the service was terrible. Plus they ran out of utensils.
I decided never to go back because they had zero forks to give.
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︎ Mar 09 2021
I was walking down the street and ran into the guy who once sold me an antique globe.
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︎ Mar 22 2021
I ran into my nephew yesterday and said, βWow! You must have grown a foot since I saw you last.β
He said, βNope. Still have two.β
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︎ Mar 20 2021
I ran into this vegan girl who said she knew me
I had to tell her I'd never met herbivore.
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︎ Dec 17 2020
"I don't care where those damn cows ran off to."
....said the farmer, callously.
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︎ Mar 26 2021
My wife ran over someone , and was sentenced to 10 years imprisonment.
She got out after 5 years and I had to serve the remaining 5.
We always finish each others sentences.
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︎ Jan 13 2021
I ran into my friend Mark who stole my dictionary.
I said, βMark, my words!β
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︎ Jan 14 2021
My brother ran up to photograph a cow near a cliff
He said it was 'ledge and dairy.'
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︎ Feb 16 2021
I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......
......... The Times are really Rough!!!
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︎ Dec 16 2020
I'm trying to make herb roasted chicken for dinner and just ran out of one of the ingredients...
I don't have thyme for this
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︎ Feb 10 2021
I ran out of material for the doll I was making and only had breathe mints left for the feet.
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︎ Jan 18 2021
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
Edit: My first ever attempt at a dad joke, and i never thought i would get anywhere this much upvotes. Thank y'all so much!
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︎ Jul 17 2020
The skipper of a 40 ton trawler which ran aground in Hull during the early hours of Sunday was reported to be 6 times over the legal limit for sailing. Authorities said they had no idea what to do with a drunken sailor early in the morning.
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︎ Dec 28 2020
I ran out of gas on the side of the road. Along comes a swarm of bees.
I was confused, but they seemed friendly. I told them what was going on, and they said: open the gas cap. One by one, each bee flew into the tank, and to my astonishment the gas gage went from empty to full. The bees said: start the car. So, I did and it ran. I asked them: what did you put in the tank? Bee pee.
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︎ Dec 13 2020
Ran out of toilet paper today. Weβre now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
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︎ Dec 03 2020
A man recently ran up to me announcing that he was a primary color, then instructed me to perform a modern dance trend on the fourth letter of the alphabet and food coloring.
He said "I'm blue, dab a D, dab a dye".
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︎ Jan 14 2021
A big cat was spotted winning every race he ran.
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︎ Dec 26 2020
Dad: when I was your age I ran a maratho
Son: you mean marathon.
Dad: no I didnβt finish it.
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︎ Oct 21 2020
A van full of terrapins ran into a truck full of tortoises.
It was a near turtle disaster.
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︎ Jan 23 2021
I just went to get my glasses fixed and youβll never guess who I ran into when I was there!
Thatβs right!
.... Everyone.
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︎ Dec 01 2020
I ran over 5 miles today
Like, what are the odds they were all named Miles? Crazy.
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︎ Sep 17 2020
My 8-year old ran past me and I shouted to her: "Hey, you lost something!"
She stops and ask "What?"
- "Your speed!"
She glares at me and says: "Dad, you lost something!"
- "What?"
- "Your hair!"
Oof.
True story.
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︎ Sep 21 2020
What did the winemaker say when he ran out of room?
Ah bugger, Iβm out of Cabernet space!
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︎ Jan 14 2021
What did the handbag salesman say when he ran out of Camembert at his dinner party?
Sorry, we're all out of Guccis.
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︎ Dec 31 2020
I was so mad when Walmart ran out of figurines for the Nativity
Now I have to attend manger management
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︎ Dec 11 2020
What did the farmer yell to the shepherds who ran away after their flocks ate all his grass?
π︎ 3
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︎ Jan 10 2021
Did you hear about the mummy that just woke up and is still convinced heβs ruler of Egypt? When told βthatβs impossibleβ he flew into a rage, ran away, and jumped in a river.
People say heβs in da Nile
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︎ Dec 25 2020
What did Homer Simpson say when the bakery ran out of bread?
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︎ Jan 11 2021
Doctor: Your body has ran out of Potassium
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︎ Dec 11 2020
What did the tree say when it ran into the mall?
Tina? Larry? Where is everybody?!? Oh my god, theyβre all gone!!! ... Oooh a sale!
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︎ Dec 28 2020
Why hasnβt Joe ran for president before?
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︎ Oct 19 2020
So proud of my daughter, who ran upstairs to tell me our downstairs toilet was smoking.
She seemed really, really scared. When I told her I couldnβt smell smoke, she showed me this picture: https://imgur.com/gallery/RbplooY, giggling like crazy.
Chip off the old block she is!
Edit: thank you so much for my first ever award!!!
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︎ Aug 03 2020
Did I tell you about the time I ran into a pony at a bar?
He didn't say much though β he was a little horse.
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︎ Dec 09 2020
What Did The Fish Say When He Ran Into A Wall?
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︎ Jan 22 2021
I ran out of toilet paper, so I had use old newspapers...
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︎ Dec 28 2020
Doctor: Your body has ran out of magnesium.
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︎ Oct 21 2020
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