Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.

πŸ‘︎ 956
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BillyBob_TX
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I am nor sure my sister knows any geography...

But Alaska.

not**

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iNeedHealing24_7
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Found it on facebook. Nor sure if it was posted here before
πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kqrtikgupta
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My brother who works in a tannery has gone missing. We haven't seen hair nor hide of him.
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was was the unrepentant Roman who consumed his wife neither surprised nor scared when he was thrown into the Colosseum?

He was gladiator already.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trimofdoom
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Help! I started arranging them by artist but that wasn’t right. Then by title, but that wasn’t right either. Nor by colour. Nor alphabetically by first track title. Finally, I arranged them by number of tracks, but I just couldn’t get them in the right order. So I got rid of them all. Do I have 0CD?
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jjoojjoojj
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
🚨︎ report
We must share our time with others, its not mine, yours nor his...

Its hours.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AN_13
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ve recently started to learn how to play golf, It’s nor going to well though

I still have a fairway to go

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
🚨︎ report
The truth is that neither love nor money that makes the world go round

It’s F=G(m1m2)/r^2

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/paoerfuuul
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
🚨︎ report
TIL electricity is not discovered by Tesla nor Edison, but by many people before them including the Greeks

It is a shocking discovery

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Electricity

http://scienceline.ucsb.edu/getkey.php?key=4026

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryonnsan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you know French Fries weren’t made nor fried in France?

They were made in Greece

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SkyNight100
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2019
🚨︎ report
In preparation for a spelling bee, I asked my dad to use Nor’easter in a sentence.

Santa doesn’t come on Halloween, Nor’easter.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm not a father, nor will I ever be, but this weekend I think I made dads everywhere proud.

I unknowingly sat on a pile of cheezits on Saturday at my cousin's graduation. When I stood up to wipe my butt off, I discovered my error and loudly exclaimed, "Oh, no wonder I was feeling so crumby." My whole family groaned, but this one woman sitting behind me laughed and said, "Good one!"

It was a proud moment for me.

πŸ‘︎ 165
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Andhareall
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2015
🚨︎ report
What do you call an egg that is neither good nor bad?

Mediyolkre

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DanCarpy99
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2016
🚨︎ report
Ol’ Mr. Woodpecker

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AgedMurcury78
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Leonardo Di Caprio

Leo di Caprio is neither a Leo, nor is he a Capricorn. He's a Scorpio.

This pisces me off....

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dizzytechie
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
How can you catch on if somebody is lying?

They’re neither sitting nor standing!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/throwaway66878
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Neither of them remembers what the Japanese call seaweed.

Nor I

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife asked, β€œHoney, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?”

He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, β€œTomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.”

Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. β€œWell, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.”

β€œNo, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

β€œWell, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said. β€œHer name is Sally and she’s selling batteries.”

β€œBatteries?” cried the wife.

β€œYes,” he replied. β€œShe sells C cells by the Seashore.”

πŸ‘︎ 92
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I cannot get on board with colonizing Venus

I don't work well under pressure nor do I like toxic work environment.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best...

The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey stood nary a chance. The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength. None in the forest dared to challenge him. The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature. As the trio debated the issue, an alligator came along and swallowed them all... hawk, lion and stinker.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I find that Scandinavia is a bit weird.

Swedes have been identifying themselves improperly. Shouldn't they be Suedes because of IKEA, and why do they not chair-ish their furniture counterparts? It really boggles me.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dr_WickedOreo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2016
🚨︎ report
After graduating from high school, my daughter moved away from home to study at university. She sent this letter home to me…

Dear Dad,

University i$ really great.

I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.

With all my $tuff, I $imply Β’an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, your $usie.

I immediately replied back…

Dear Susie,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy.

Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad

πŸ‘︎ 359
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2019
🚨︎ report
With all this corona stuff going on, My son just said he had a fever...

I naturally told him that the only cure is more cowbell.

(...I laughed. And he did not. Nor did the wife. Sleeping on the couch tonight! ... worth it!)

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jsmezz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I neither know, nor care.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slightly-simian
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Pun experts, I need your help

I want to change my IGN to something that includes puns. right now I came up with "PunKneeShare" which I think is not that original nor good. what are your suggestions?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Awesome_Arsam
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2019
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend said she'd only marry me if I overcame my ambulance obsession.

I can't wait to get down on one knee nor knee nor knee nor!

πŸ‘︎ 190
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2018
🚨︎ report
I don't want to do everything too fast...

Nor do I want to do everything too slow, so... I do everything half fast.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NISCBTFM
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2019
🚨︎ report
"What was sex like the first time?" asked my son.

"I don't know. I'm neither Adam nor Eve."

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Came home late last night to find cows loitering in my front yard

A small group of calves were munching on my front flower beds, and mooving slowly towards the woods. Thought about calling the cops to report a bunch of mooligans, but I didn't really have a beef with them. Haven't seen hide nor hair of them since!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/booknerdgirl4ever
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy who tried to climb a hill without a watch?

He didn't make it because he had neither the time nor the inclination.

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lordsmiles
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2018
🚨︎ report
I picked up a soda can, turned to my wife and asked, β€œIs this a real Sprite?”

Or is it just Fanta sea?
Coke in a spiced rum,
No Pepsi nor Snapple tea.
Open you Barq’s, drink up your Slice, then pee!

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/testmonkeyalpha
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2018
🚨︎ report
Did I ever tell you guys my recipe for herb infused fish?

Shame that this is neither the thyme nor the plaice...

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2018
🚨︎ report
[REQUEST] I need roast jokes for middle schoolers.

Mods, if this is against the rules, I apologize. Feel free to remove and I'll try and find better luck on Google.

I'm a middle school teacher and my 8th graders are graduating on Thursday. They've been a great, wonderful class to have, but they always complain about lame my jokes are. I feel that the most suitable way to send them off would be, either on the last day of class or at their graduation ceremony, would be to send them off with their own individual dad roast from me. (Think Norm MacDonald at the Bob Saget roast).

If anybody has any good dad roast jokes that won't get me fired nor get misconstrued for bullying, I'd greatly appreciate it. Thanks!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2018
🚨︎ report
A struggling tech company once again failed to make their teleportation device work.

The results were neither here nor there.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/s_other
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I was named after Donald Trump.

My name isn't Donald nor Trump. I was named after him, because he was named in 1946, and I was named years later.

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oldtoy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2017
🚨︎ report
I was trying to think of the artist who painted The Water Lily Pond.

But I just can't remember him for love nor Monet.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xz03yx
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2018
🚨︎ report
Storks don’t live with any remorse.

Nor egrets

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Victim
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BillyBob_TX
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
After graduating from high school, my daughter moved away from home to study at university. She sent this letter home to me…

Dear dad,

University i$ really great.

I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.

With all my $tuff, I $imply Β’an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, your $usie.

I immediately replied back…

Dear Susie,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy.

Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,

dad

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2017
🚨︎ report
After graduating from high school, my daughter moved away from home to study at university. She sent this letter home to me…

Dear dad,

University i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply Β’an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, your $usie

I immediately replied back…

Dear Susie,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, dad

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I Tried to Walk up a Hill Today without a Watch

But I had neither the time, nor the inclination.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bentnotbroken96
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2018
🚨︎ report

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