Wife notices graffiti on the side of the road with the word HISTORY. Her: "That is the second time I have seen someone graffiti that word." Me: "History repeats itself."
Dr. Roof.
Daughter: Dad can you please stop at this store, I need dryer sheets. Me: Ours are pretty dry, how much drier do you need them to be?
"lettuce hope the ISS does not grow any leeks!"
"NASA announced today that it has space for new astronauts."
http://imgur.com/5Vkwluq
My 4 yr old son and I went to a convention this weekend. We had to bring a stroller, because of all the walking. Usually when we went to panels and shows, we would get Isle seats because of the stroller. We roll up to our seat and sit down. My son hangs out in the stroller.
The man in front of us turn around and says, "Middle of the isle. Clear view of the stage. I'm jealous."
My 4 yr old son replies, "Hi, Jealous." without even missing a beat. I was proud.
He was over for dinner, asking me about making a simple wooden box. Once he's finished describing what he wants to do and how he thinks he'll do it I reply with "Yeah, that wood work".
I’ve been telling my #2 daughter dad jokes from this sub every day. She got me back this weekend.
As we were walking to the National Mall in D.C. for the Earth Day concerts on Saturday we noticed that the Smithsonian was having the National Math Festival.
She says – What do you do there? Solve math problems and eat Pi?
I work in a historic house all decorated for the holidays. Visitor comes in: "Can we take pictures here?" Me: "Yes, just no flash." Visitor: "But we can take pictures right?" Me: "Yes....." Visitor points at the wall. "I want that one."
Walking with a coworker talking about my 6 week old son Miles:
Coworker: Seems like Miles is progressing quicker than most at his age. He's got some good genes!
Me: Good khakis, too.
Not my best work, but again: new dad here. You gotta crawl before you can walk!
Augustus Waters to his parents: "Hey guys, this is Hazel Grace."
Hazel: "Hi, it's just Hazel."
Mr. Waters: "Hi, Just Hazel!"
He had this awesome shit-eating/dad joke smile on his face it was perfct.
A customer at the major retail corporation I work at picked up our ad while I was cashing him out. Tried to pull one on me...
"they call it a doorbuster sale and there's not a single door in this ad! "
"That's because we busted them all, sir"
Completely straight faced. He walked away laughing his ass off. On an unrelated note I think my girlfriend may be pregnant.
So we're talking about MS Access, and prof gets on the subject of how capital letters are treated differently than lower case letters
me: So it's capitalism?!
badum tiss
Mom: "So if we're golfing at 2, I'll make the dinner reservation for 7."
Dad: "But honey, there's only 4 of us."
I'm on my mobile, so I apologize for any typos.
Today I had a simple surgical procedure at my local podiatrist.
At the end of the procedure the doctor was applying an acid to the surgical site, and I asked what he was using.
Doc: "...this is called Phenol, and it discourages the regrowth of the ingrown nail."
Me: "That sounds phenolmenal!"
He stopped what he was doing for a moment, and we had a good laugh, turns out he had never heard that all to obvious pun.
Also, I'm pretty sure khakis are going to sprout from my legs pretty soon.
I'll keep you all in the loop on that front
Sitting at dinner last night, and one of my friends was offering his nachos to anyone who wanted some.
As I started grabbing a chip, I said "but they're nachos, they're mine."
Slow laughter all around.
So I'm heading to an office to turn in some paper work with a friend. It's a little windy outside. As I get out of the car and set my papers on the roof of the car to grab some stuff from the car my friend says,
"Hey man, you better watch that paper and make sure it doesn't fly away."
So I say: "Don't worry, it's stationery."
So at work we're messing with the cashier who got three parking tickets in the same spot three days in a row. Later on in the night, she drops a couple dollar bills as she's organizing the money.
Fellow Worker: "You're cracking up!" Me: "Actually, it's a symptom of Parking-sons!"
Queue collective groans and a couple chuckles from everyone around.
