A man with muscular furred limbs and claws walks into a bar

The bartender gives the man a funny look then the man says: "What? I have the right to bear arms".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CuttingEdge132
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
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Santa Claws is coming to town!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/f3derico
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
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Just seen a real bear claw for the first time ever,

Those donught shops been ripping me off for years

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oxfordthethird
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2020
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A friend of mine sent me a photo of a cat dressed as Santa and said that its a Santa Claws...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_meme_a_lot_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
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For Halloween this year I’m dressing up as Santa and handing out White Claw’s

I’m gonna be Santa Claws

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
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If you were to reveal your self as a furry, does it mean you came out the claw-set
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/marc_20_21_02
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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Whats the difference between a cat and a comma? A cat has claws at the end of its paws, and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skee_bott
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2017
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I hate when people get mad at those claw machines

Like, c'mon, get a grip

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aardwolf7
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2017
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I labeled the four 'claws' on my car's jumper cables

One on each of the two positive and two negative ends:

Jed. Jethro. Granny. Ellie Mae.

("the Clamp-its.")

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gone4011s
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2015
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Was telling my dad that I need to trim my cat's claws due to how painful her kneading was getting...

"she's just practicing catupuncture!"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ObserveWithHasty
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2014
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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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I saw a lobster escape a grocery store tank

It clawed itself out

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MuchoTornado
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02
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How can you tell if the Christmas crab has been to your house?

By the sandy claws tracks..... my dad just told my brothers and I that one now. Not sure if it’s been posted already

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πŸ‘€︎ u/corn0nthe
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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Santa is like a cat-burglar

...he even has the claws.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/salazarjohann
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
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I guess you could say this cat is... Cathletic:)
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OurtubeBlyat
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
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What do Christmas and a cat in the desert have in common?

They both have Sandy Claws.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tea4tiffany_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
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I have scratched and clawed to become the chairman of this company

I am now the #1 chair maker of the company.

Though, looking back, it seemed unethical, considering the fact that tools exist

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Gentlemanbird
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2018
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What is the name of the polar bear therapist living at the north pole?

Dr. Sanity Claws

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Foamy07
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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My cat scratches me to get my attention, I like to think he doesn't realize he's hurting me,

he just has issues with claws and effects.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/newfranksinatra
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
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Wolverine delivered tons of gifts on Christmas

People called him Santa Claws

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sinish_anand
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Dead crows

The Texas Department of Transportation (TxDOT) found over 200 dead crows on U.S. Highway 281 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.

A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19).

The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorcycles, while only 2% were killed by cars.

TxDOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorcycle kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Semujin
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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How does a crab feel when it eats too much?

Clawful.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/greyconscience
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
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Be clawful of these CATastrophic cat puns! [facebook]
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πŸ‘€︎ u/keemsters
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2012
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My neighbour put up a Wolverine themed scarecrow in his field, and it is terrifying my kids.

They must be claw straw phobic.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
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What do bears want for Christmas?

Santa Claws

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBlingKing
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
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Why does a milking chair only have three legs?

The cow has the udder.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/windowlicker1234
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2017
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I really like shrimp-fried rice.

It’s amazing how they can hold that big skillet in their tiny little claws.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bullhead20
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you mix santa with a bear?

Santa Claws

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/karma-enigma
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
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What do you call a bear with no teeth?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CyanLights
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2017
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What do you call a cat that delivers presents?

Santa Claws

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oppositelockgames
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2020
🚨︎ report
What does Saint Nick get drunk on?

Santa Claws

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πŸ‘€︎ u/w00tah
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a lobster that's afraid of tight spaces?

Claw-strophobic

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πŸ‘€︎ u/floof_sheep
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
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Nickolodean are doing an underwater version of paw patrol starting crabs

It's called Claw Patrol.

I managed to get a groan and an eye roll from the wife for that one

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xoke
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
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Found a grizzly scene today.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nickgenova
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2016
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So a cat

Was being very annoying with no claws behind it. So I said β€œWHAT WAS THAT FUR”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RiddleMasterer
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
🚨︎ report
There was a weird Crab

Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.

His other crab people used to be away from him. Due to this sound.

Once he was captured by a predator and was bumped on a rock and got loose from the predators grip and ran away.

After the bump his ta-ta-ta-ta sound went away automatically.

Since that incident, he got friends and a new name- Santa Claus.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/happy_anand
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2018
🚨︎ report
So my dog messed up and I told him to give himself a round of applause...

and then I thought, "well for you, it'd be a round of a-paws"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/goddamit_adam
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2016
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What is a crustaceans favorite T.V. show?

Claw and Order.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cananbaum
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2019
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What do you call a Chinese man with a hard outer shell?

A Crustasian.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/averaxhunter
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2017
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What is the difference between a cat and a compound statement?

One has claws at the end of its paws and the other has a pause at the end of its clause!

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vanguard_The
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between a Cat and a Comma?

One has claws at the end of the paws... The other is a pause at the end of a clause.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
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What's the difference between a cat and a comma

One has claws at the end of its paws, one is a pause at the end of a clause

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Electro_Nick_s
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2018
🚨︎ report
What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has a pause at the end of its clause and one has claws at the end of its paws.

πŸ‘︎ 258
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBungulo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has claws at the end of its paws and one is a pause at the end of a clause

πŸ‘︎ 84
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SummonerSpell
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has claws, at the end of its paws, The other has a pause... at the end of its clause!

πŸ‘︎ 220
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jacobaker1313
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2017
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What's the difference between a cat's nails and a comma?

One are claws at the end of paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.

My dad just told me this, btw.

πŸ‘︎ 162
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drassaultrifle
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2017
🚨︎ report

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