For when you get a nail in your tire
πŸ‘︎ 46
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tarlungs1104666
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30
🚨︎ report
I went to a nail bar the other day...

I got hammered

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/arcadianchef
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06
🚨︎ report
You look like a rusty nail, are you hammered?
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/btsGlory
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15
🚨︎ report
What nails do carpenters hate to hit?

Fingernails.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Zayd-da-awesome
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13
🚨︎ report
I used to file my nails...

But then I thought what’s the point in keeping them.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09
🚨︎ report
Nail salons closed, Lash salons closed, Hair salons closed, Tanning salons closed, waxing salons closed...

It's about to get ugly out there.

Stay safe.

πŸ‘︎ 505
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19
🚨︎ report
I once got my toe nails professionally trimmed. They used a hardened steel tool for smoothing my clipped nails...

In other words, a pedi-file.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30
🚨︎ report
A man was attacked by a guy with an upholstery nail gun the other day.

He's okay. He's recovered now.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Crash_86
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02
🚨︎ report
She nailed this nail art
πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/N00B5L4YER
πŸ“…︎ May 10
🚨︎ report
What nail carries its house on its back?

An S Nail.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Datolite7
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27
🚨︎ report
Im gonna name my son 'the nail'

So i can say 'i hit the nail on the head'

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vladturapov
πŸ“…︎ May 11
🚨︎ report
the NINE LYNCH NAILS
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Eh_Grips
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07
🚨︎ report
Why will orthodontists and nail salons be the first businesses to reopen?

Because they're fighting tooth and nail for it.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MilkChocolate2434
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17
🚨︎ report
Nail salons closed, Lash salons closed, Hair salons closed, Tan salons an Wax salons too...

... it’s about to get ugly out there

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20
🚨︎ report
The question was: "How do people with extremely long fake nails properly wipe their butts after pooping? Saw someone struggling to type on their phone today with those bad boys"
πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LogangYeddu
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22
🚨︎ report
β€œI need some nails and a hammer”-fiancΓ©

β€˜I have 10 nails but I’d rather not hit them with a hammer.’ -me

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nightowl024
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06
🚨︎ report
File your nails man
πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jebbaok
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12
🚨︎ report
I need to cut these nails, they are getting out of hand
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mikiriki16
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31
🚨︎ report
I hit the nail on the head
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sebarooo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06
🚨︎ report
What did the framer say when he ran out of nails?

Screw it.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Amossycar
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
🚨︎ report
I was told to be sure to use the right nails for putting down trim in my house, but I can't find any.

At this point, I'm not even sure Finland makes nails!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/keenDean
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I got my nails done for half off today

It was a five finger discount

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JCokeDaKilla
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15
🚨︎ report
My boyfriend had this in his car...it’s a nail file
πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Raelenerosas
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2019
🚨︎ report
When I went to get my prescription, I gave the tech an empty bottle to recycle or whatever. She said, some people like to keep the bottles to put nails and screws in...

I said I don't have too many loose screws.

She smiled.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Why the did hammer hit the nail through the wall.

To drive the point across.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I gave my son a simple job: nail down the floorboards.

He screwed up.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cobblecloth
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
🚨︎ report
The one with the nails
πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KIT-3
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2019
🚨︎ report
How did Santa build a house at the North Pole without any nails?

iglooed it!

Bonus joke:

And he did it all by his elf!

πŸ‘︎ 63
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mistermajik2000
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Getting my nails painted
πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TrollFaceCharlie
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
🚨︎ report
What do the sun and nail polish remover have in common?

They can both make your acetone darker...

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MusicmanJosh03
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2019
🚨︎ report
A nail walks into a bar

Bartender asks "what can I get you, sir?"

Nail says "anything that'll get me hammered"

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HandsomeTuna14
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad gave me a simple job: nail down the floorboards.

I screwed up.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cobblecloth
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Got my cats nails clipped today...

Really took the edge off

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kenithal
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Where do you file your nails?

Under 'N'

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/daliclouds
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report
I drove over a rusty nail yesterday

I retired since then

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ToxianLeader
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Screws are just nails with a twist. (Repost from r/showerthoughts)
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Curlamus_99
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Why does the nail look bent?

It got hammered.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VeggieSkitzles
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a bar of soap that has been pierced by a nail?

Pears soap

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mayteras
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I used to hate having short nails

but then they grew on me.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/karaiguess
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2019
🚨︎ report
What kind of nails do they use in the rock and role hall of fame?

9 Inch Nails

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Coopthecool
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I hate biting my nails

But, it kinda grew on me...

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Raghavendra98
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2019
🚨︎ report
I took my cat to the vet today for a nail trim.

I guess you could say she got a peticure.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/foolycooly017
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do elephants paint their toe nails red?

So they can hide in cherry trees. Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? Then it must work.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IcebergSlim619
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2018
🚨︎ report
I drove right over a rusty nail in the middle of the road

I retired since then

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ToxianLeader
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
🚨︎ report
I got a nail in my tire coming home from the grocery store. My meat, milk, icecream... Absolutely ruined while waiting on a tow truck!

Should've bought asparagus

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tj_xraybanvision
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2018
🚨︎ report
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.

It’ll be called β€œMany Cures and Manicures”

πŸ‘︎ 55
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/macgruder1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2018
🚨︎ report
All fake nails are tacky
πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/n3rv0u5
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2018
🚨︎ report
My nails are getting too long.

They're growing out of hand.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kandyaufman
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2016
🚨︎ report
My dad and I were riding our bicycles down the street when I ran over a nail.

"Well, time to retire my bike..."

I then proceeded to buy a new tire.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ThreeHumpChump
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2019
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between a cat's nails and a comma?

One are claws at the end of paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.

My dad just told me this, btw.

πŸ‘︎ 164
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/drassaultrifle
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2017
🚨︎ report
I went to the store to get some nails they asked me how long I wanted them

I told them forever

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iishimmeringz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife had a bad habit of biting her nails but I cured her.

I hid her teeth.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JK-BB
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2018
🚨︎ report
My son was having trouble figuring out how to use a hammer and nails.

I told him, β€œScrew it.”

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2018
🚨︎ report
Those are some long nails!
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NateDawg423
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me if there was an interesting alternative to using nails or screws as fasteners.

I told her yes... and it's riveting.

πŸ‘︎ 162
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeyRobot
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2017
🚨︎ report
A nail walks into a bar

It got hammered

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrToastyToast
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2017
🚨︎ report
GF: I just finished clipping my nails and now I'm filing them.

Me: Alphabetically or numerically?

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Djental
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2018
🚨︎ report
Be careful to not sit on rusty nails...

...you might get arse-nic poisoning.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Drondol
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2018
🚨︎ report
Nail Polish
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ryotaiku
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2018
🚨︎ report
My son insisted his nails were already cut and I didn't have to trim them. I asked if I could just double-check his hand.

http://i.imgur.com/bAuV8Nh.png

πŸ‘︎ 339
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/danchan22
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2015
🚨︎ report
What do you call a hula hoop with a nail in it?

A Naval Destroyer.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/daishozen
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the happy Office Clerk have really smooth nails?

He loved Filing.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DharyaXD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2018
🚨︎ report
An Asian friend told me, "The nail that sticks out gets hammered down."

He hit the nail on the head.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ponderingfox
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2018
🚨︎ report
How does the moon do his nails?

Eclipse them

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DrNaszion
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2017
🚨︎ report
After I had bent three nails in a row with my hammer...

My dad said "Screw it."

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jonnyprophet
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2016
🚨︎ report
Why doesn't the Sun have long nails?

Because eclipse.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2017
🚨︎ report
7 yr old daughter dropped this when I held up her 2 ice cream cone shaped nail polish bottles to my eyes

Me: "hi I'm jimmy ice cream eyes" Her: "hi Jimmy, you're looking sharp today.." As she walked away.

It's like she doesn't even have to try

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/legomason
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2016
🚨︎ report
Just found this video tutorial on how to paint your nails. youtube.com/watch?v=82AZB…
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/oanfiblab
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2015
🚨︎ report
The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.

"Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tehgreatiam
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2016
🚨︎ report
Took the dog to get his nails trimmed.

Told the wife, "Yea, I got him a PETicure".

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/drewjy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2015
🚨︎ report
Had to Buy Some Nail Clippers

I went to the convenience store on my college campus because I needed to get some nail clippers. A girl I knew walked in and this exchange was had after we had started talking:

Me: The only good clippers they had were in this pack with this other body care stuff, do you want any of it?

Girl: Sure, but those are toenail clippers. There are some fingernail clippers over there (very small ones).

Me: I have very thick nails, so those won't cut it.

The look she gave me told me how close she was to groaning.

Edit: Spelling

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ntblt
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2014
🚨︎ report
Mom was in the living room hammering a nail in the wall to hang a frame...

...and she says "I think I hit a stud."

My dad yells out from the kitchen "That's funny, I didn't feel anything!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jaden_____Smith
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2015
🚨︎ report
Whoever invented the screw, really did nail it.
πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2014
🚨︎ report
Today my father hit his thumb with a hammer while holding a nail. He asked me how he could have avoided it.

He answered "just hold the hammer with two hands instead"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ExeRanger
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2015
🚨︎ report
Top notch material at the Rusty Nail bar

On vacation in Cape May in New Jersey, and there is a bar called the Rusty Nail. Conversation went like this: Me: "Oh look the Rusty Nail" Dad: "Yeah let's go get HAMMERED at the Rusty Nail!" Heard the sighs from inside the bar.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tylera102
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2014
🚨︎ report
Talking to my Dad about the Nine Inch Nails upcoming concert...

Me: I'm going to go to this upcoming concert, have you heard of Nine Inch Nails?

Dad: Yeah, we used six inch nails to put up our fence.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mafeumatty
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2013
🚨︎ report
My uncle said this to me while I was doing my nails (x-post RedditLaqueristas)

I had just finished painting my nails when my aunt and uncle came over. My nails were all black, except my ring fingers which were a deep red. My uncle asked me why some of my nails were a different color. "It's called an accent nail. They're really in style." I informed him. "More like accident nail!" He then proceeded to laugh quite a bit at his own joke.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/annielemoose
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2013
🚨︎ report
I need puns about stepping on a nail

My sister went to hospital after stepping on a nail.

I really wanna barrage her with pun after pun when she comes home.

Any help is really appreciated.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mojo1999
πŸ“…︎ May 31
🚨︎ report
I need to cut my nails...

it's getting out of hand.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JamDas
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2017
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.