For when you get a nail in your tire
I went to a nail bar the other day...
You look like a rusty nail, are you hammered?
What nails do carpenters hate to hit?
I used to file my nails...
But then I thought what’s the point in keeping them.
Nail salons closed, Lash salons closed, Hair salons closed, Tanning salons closed, waxing salons closed...
It's about to get ugly out there.
I once got my toe nails professionally trimmed. They used a hardened steel tool for smoothing my clipped nails...
In other words, a pedi-file.
A man was attacked by a guy with an upholstery nail gun the other day.
He's okay. He's recovered now.
What nail carries its house on its back?
Im gonna name my son 'the nail'
So i can say 'i hit the nail on the head'
Why will orthodontists and nail salons be the first businesses to reopen?
Because they're fighting tooth and nail for it.
Nail salons closed, Lash salons closed, Hair salons closed, Tan salons an Wax salons too...
... it’s about to get ugly out there
The question was: "How do people with extremely long fake nails properly wipe their butts after pooping? Saw someone struggling to type on their phone today with those bad boys"
“I need some nails and a hammer”-fiancé
‘I have 10 nails but I’d rather not hit them with a hammer.’ -me
I need to cut these nails, they are getting out of hand
I hit the nail on the head
What did the framer say when he ran out of nails?
I was told to be sure to use the right nails for putting down trim in my house, but I can't find any.
At this point, I'm not even sure Finland makes nails!
I got my nails done for half off today
It was a five finger discount
My boyfriend had this in his car...it’s a nail file
When I went to get my prescription, I gave the tech an empty bottle to recycle or whatever. She said, some people like to keep the bottles to put nails and screws in...
I said I don't have too many loose screws.
Why the did hammer hit the nail through the wall.
To drive the point across.
I gave my son a simple job: nail down the floorboards.
How did Santa build a house at the North Pole without any nails?
And he did it all by his elf!
What do the sun and nail polish remover have in common?
They can both make your acetone darker...
A nail walks into a bar
Bartender asks "what can I get you, sir?"
Nail says "anything that'll get me hammered"
My dad gave me a simple job: nail down the floorboards.
Got my cats nails clipped today...
Where do you file your nails?
I drove over a rusty nail yesterday
Screws are just nails with a twist. (Repost from r/showerthoughts)
Why does the nail look bent?
What do you call a bar of soap that has been pierced by a nail?
I used to hate having short nails
but then they grew on me.
What kind of nails do they use in the rock and role hall of fame?
I hate biting my nails
But, it kinda grew on me...
I took my cat to the vet today for a nail trim.
I guess you could say she got a peticure.
Why do elephants paint their toe nails red?
So they can hide in cherry trees. Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? Then it must work.
I drove right over a rusty nail in the middle of the road
I got a nail in my tire coming home from the grocery store. My meat, milk, icecream... Absolutely ruined while waiting on a tow truck!
Should've bought asparagus
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”
My nails are getting too long.
They're growing out of hand.
My dad and I were riding our bicycles down the street when I ran over a nail.
"Well, time to retire my bike..."
I then proceeded to buy a new tire.
What's the difference between a cat's nails and a comma?
One are claws at the end of paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.
My dad just told me this, btw.
I went to the store to get some nails they asked me how long I wanted them
My wife had a bad habit of biting her nails but I cured her.
My son was having trouble figuring out how to use a hammer and nails.
Those are some long nails!
My wife asked me if there was an interesting alternative to using nails or screws as fasteners.
I told her yes... and it's riveting.
GF: I just finished clipping my nails and now I'm filing them.
Me: Alphabetically or numerically?
Be careful to not sit on rusty nails...
...you might get arse-nic poisoning.
My son insisted his nails were already cut and I didn't have to trim them. I asked if I could just double-check his hand.
What do you call a hula hoop with a nail in it?
Why did the happy Office Clerk have really smooth nails?
An Asian friend told me, "The nail that sticks out gets hammered down."
He hit the nail on the head.
How does the moon do his nails?
After I had bent three nails in a row with my hammer...
Why doesn't the Sun have long nails?
7 yr old daughter dropped this when I held up her 2 ice cream cone shaped nail polish bottles to my eyes
Me: "hi I'm jimmy ice cream eyes"
Her: "hi Jimmy, you're looking sharp today.." As she walked away.
It's like she doesn't even have to try
The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
"Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
Took the dog to get his nails trimmed.
Told the wife, "Yea, I got him a PETicure".
Had to Buy Some Nail Clippers
I went to the convenience store on my college campus because I needed to get some nail clippers. A girl I knew walked in and this exchange was had after we had started talking:
Me: The only good clippers they had were in this pack with this other body care stuff, do you want any of it?
Girl: Sure, but those are toenail clippers. There are some fingernail clippers over there (very small ones).
Me: I have very thick nails, so those won't cut it.
The look she gave me told me how close she was to groaning.
Mom was in the living room hammering a nail in the wall to hang a frame...
...and she says "I think I hit a stud."
My dad yells out from the kitchen "That's funny, I didn't feel anything!"
Whoever invented the screw, really did nail it.
Today my father hit his thumb with a hammer while holding a nail. He asked me how he could have avoided it.
He answered "just hold the hammer with two hands instead"
Top notch material at the Rusty Nail bar
On vacation in Cape May in New Jersey, and there is a bar called the Rusty Nail. Conversation went like this:
Me: "Oh look the Rusty Nail"
Dad: "Yeah let's go get HAMMERED at the Rusty Nail!"
Heard the sighs from inside the bar.
Talking to my Dad about the Nine Inch Nails upcoming concert...
Me: I'm going to go to this upcoming concert, have you heard of Nine Inch Nails?
Dad: Yeah, we used six inch nails to put up our fence.
My uncle said this to me while I was doing my nails (x-post RedditLaqueristas)
I had just finished painting my nails when my aunt and uncle came over. My nails were all black, except my ring fingers which were a deep red. My uncle asked me why some of my nails were a different color. "It's called an accent nail. They're really in style." I informed him. "More like accident nail!" He then proceeded to laugh quite a bit at his own joke.
I need puns about stepping on a nail
My sister went to hospital after stepping on a nail.
I really wanna barrage her with pun after pun when she comes home.
Any help is really appreciated.
I need to cut my nails...
it's getting out of hand.