It's not because I think it's beneath me.
It's not because I wouldn't stoop that low.
It's because I consider it to be a waste of my talons.
So it could hide in a cherry tree. Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in a cherry tree? It works.
One clown asked another clown, “Why do elephants paint their toenails red?”
The second clown thought and replied that he didn’t know.
The first clown said, “So they can hide in cherry trees! Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?”
“No,” replied the second clown.
“See how well it works!”
Would I have to foot the bill?
The doctor's office was associated with the local medical college, so there were a couple of med students watching the senior doctor work on my son's toe. He loaded up a syringe with anesthetic and injected in multiple places, explaining that he was doing this to achieve digital blocking (that is, numbing the entire digit, namely the toe).
After it was done they left the nurse to bandage my son up, and he said, "Dad? What did he mean by digital blocking?"
"Well, when you weren't looking he hooked your toe up to a USB port and downloaded some MP3s into it. If you hold your foot close to your ear you can hear "Laaaaa, aaaaa aa aaaaah, close to you.""
The nurse stared at me and turned to my son. "Is he always like this?"
He silently nodded, looking at the floor...
Him: "is that from skiing?"
Me: "yeah, that's mah-ski-toe!" proceed to make mosquito noises
...she was an LPN.
We had a Don't Bother Checking account.
My first pet only had 3 legs, and it was a centipede.
Mom had one bra, and it was a lease.
For breakfast we ate Lieutenant Crunch.
My first spoon was monogrammed though ("1/2 TSP").
We were too poor to even say "awesome." We had to say "awefew."
We sat at the campfire and made S'Lesses.
My pillow only had one side.
Repossession was 9/10 of the law.
Five kids had to share one shoelace, and instead of toenails we grew toe staples.
Our scotch tape was scots-irish.
My first shower came with sound effects and a lightshow.
One year Santa had to bring stockings.
The next year he filled them with nooses.
I did have a jumprope with a rattle on the end. And fangs on the other.
Other kids hunted eggs for Easter but we just died.
I just clipped two feet of toenails
How do you kill a blue elephant? (How?) With a blue elephant gun.
How you you kill a pink elephant? (With a pink elephant gun?) No, you hold its trunk til it turns blue then shoot it with the blue elephant gun
Why do elephants paint their toenails red? (No clue...?) So they can hide in cherry trees
Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? (Of course not) Then clearly it works
"Okay, so this is the screwdriver, this is the wrench, and this, well, you know the drill."
I was so shocked I nearly choked on my toenails.
After I got done painting her toenails I asked, "how does it look?"
Yesterday, I was running back from the school bus after asking the driver to give me a moment because my disabled son had had an accident and I was about finished cleaning him up. It was raining and muddy and I was in my bare feet, but this is the norm out here.
On the way back I managed to get my big toenail ripped up off the nailbed down to about halfway to the cuticle. Never done that before in 31 years, and oh my, I have to say it was a whole different level of exquisite agony when I finally noticed it. Funny how you never notice things like that until you see all the blood and how it doesn't even hurt until you touch it.
Sparing you the details of tracking in blood for five minutes before I even noticed I'd done it, the husband cringed quite a bit when he got home from work and saw it.
Fast forward to today--my period started and I had one hell of a headache all day long. He gets home from work and asks, "you ok, babe?" Because I'm usually pretty cheerful when he walks in the door, but today I was cranky as fuck.
"Eh, period started. Headache. Glad you're home, I can take a pain pill and you can watch the kids."
"Oh." He looked me up and down slowly and grinned. "So... now you're hurting from head... to toe?"
My soccer inflicted ingrown toenail has been giving me serious grief, exasperated by an infection. Swollen, purple and painful, my wife told me I needed to buy an expensive set of nail scissors and clippers to trimming down the offending nail.
I replied with "For toepiary?"
I think i must have failed in the telling of my 'dadjoke'. She did NOT roll her eyes but actually laughed!
I guess the journey is long in this game.
How do you kill a blue elephant?
How do you kill a white elephant?
Did you know elephants paint their toenails to hide in bags of skittles? No? Have you ever seen an elephant in a bag of skittles? NO? WELL I GUESS IT WORKS!
All the guys in highschool band would call me a girl whenever my stomach would hurt after playing an instrument too long.
I brought a girl over once and her name is Jessica. My father has a pretty severe case of tinnitus where he hears about 5-6 different tones at any given time. She announced her name and he thought it was Melissa for a few minutes. Eventually she corrected him.
He stared at her blankly for a moment and then asked, "Why'd you change your name Melissa? I think Melissa is a much nicer name."
These are only a few. I practice very hard every day with my friends to become as punny and corny as a father should be with jokes. Someday I'll make him proud.
I went to the convenience store on my college campus because I needed to get some nail clippers. A girl I knew walked in and this exchange was had after we had started talking:
Me: The only good clippers they had were in this pack with this other body care stuff, do you want any of it?
Girl: Sure, but those are toenail clippers. There are some fingernail clippers over there (very small ones).
Me: I have very thick nails, so those won't cut it.
The look she gave me told me how close she was to groaning.
To hide in a cherry tree!
Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
Works, don't it
So it could hide in the strawberry patch.
So they can hide in cherry trees.
*Pause for effect
Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree? I guess it works!
So they can hide in cherry trees!
What? You never saw an elephant hiding in a cherry tree?
See how well it works?
To hide in cherry trees.
You ever see an elephant hiding in a cherry tree?
Hide pretty well, don't they?
Paint its toenails red.
He paints his toenails red.
Don't believe me? Well have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch??