I Prefer Not To Trim My Toenails.

It's not because I think it's beneath me.

It's not because I wouldn't stoop that low.

It's because I consider it to be a waste of my talons.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jagdpanzer_magill
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05
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Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

One clown asked another clown, β€œWhy do elephants paint their toenails red?”

The second clown thought and replied that he didn’t know.

The first clown said, β€œSo they can hide in cherry trees! Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?”

β€œNo,” replied the second clown.

β€œSee how well it works!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2019
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If I got an ingrown toenail but my insurance didn't cover it...

Would I have to foot the bill?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pun-isher42
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2019
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Why did the elephant paint it's toenails red?

So it could hide in the strawberry patch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/denandbil
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
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How do toenails let you know they are tired of your dad jokes?

In groans.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HookDragger
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
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Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

*Pause for effect

Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree? I guess it works!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aknghtwh0saysni
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
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Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

So they can hide in cherry trees!

What? You never saw an elephant hiding in a cherry tree?

See how well it works?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/majblackburn
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2018
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Why don't cows have toenails?

Because they lactose!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NeonNytrox
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2016
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My son had an ingrown toenail treated.

The doctor's office was associated with the local medical college, so there were a couple of med students watching the senior doctor work on my son's toe. He loaded up a syringe with anesthetic and injected in multiple places, explaining that he was doing this to achieve digital blocking (that is, numbing the entire digit, namely the toe).

After it was done they left the nurse to bandage my son up, and he said, "Dad? What did he mean by digital blocking?"

"Well, when you weren't looking he hooked your toe up to a USB port and downloaded some MP3s into it. If you hold your foot close to your ear you can hear "Laaaaa, aaaaa aa aaaaah, close to you.""

The nurse stared at me and turned to my son. "Is he always like this?"

He silently nodded, looking at the floor...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oldforger
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2015
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Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

To hide in cherry trees.

You ever see an elephant hiding in a cherry tree?

Hide pretty well, don't they?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pfafulous
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2013
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What's an emery board for your toenails?

A pedi-file.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Condor87
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2017
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When my friend saw my black and blue toenail.

Him: "is that from skiing?"

Me: "yeah, that's mah-ski-toe!" proceed to make mosquito noises

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πŸ‘€︎ u/E-So-Money
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2014
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He broke this one out when teaching me about tools.

"Okay, so this is the screwdriver, this is the wrench, and this, well, you know the drill."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/T0BIASNESS
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2013
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How does an elephant hide in a strawberry patch?

He paints his toenails red.

Don't believe me? Well have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch??

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotDelnor
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2019
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My wife threatened to leave me over my "filthy and disgusting habits".

I was so shocked I nearly choked on my toenails.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mudpucket1969
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2017
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And on the other hand,

Different fingers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JustJosh724
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2017
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I think i infected my 6 year old daughter with my dad jokes...

After I got done painting her toenails I asked, "how does it look?"

"Toeriffic"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tkh0812
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2014
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My husband's dad game is getting much better.

Yesterday, I was running back from the school bus after asking the driver to give me a moment because my disabled son had had an accident and I was about finished cleaning him up. It was raining and muddy and I was in my bare feet, but this is the norm out here.

On the way back I managed to get my big toenail ripped up off the nailbed down to about halfway to the cuticle. Never done that before in 31 years, and oh my, I have to say it was a whole different level of exquisite agony when I finally noticed it. Funny how you never notice things like that until you see all the blood and how it doesn't even hurt until you touch it.

Sparing you the details of tracking in blood for five minutes before I even noticed I'd done it, the husband cringed quite a bit when he got home from work and saw it.

Fast forward to today--my period started and I had one hell of a headache all day long. He gets home from work and asks, "you ok, babe?" Because I'm usually pretty cheerful when he walks in the d

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SmutGoddess
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2015
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I'd be surprised if this is a re-post

My soccer inflicted ingrown toenail has been giving me serious grief, exasperated by an infection. Swollen, purple and painful, my wife told me I needed to buy an expensive set of nail scissors and clippers to trimming down the offending nail.

I replied with "For toepiary?"

I think i must have failed in the telling of my 'dadjoke'. She did NOT roll her eyes but actually laughed!

I guess the journey is long in this game.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toocents
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2016
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I just found this subreddit, here's a couple of my favorites from dear ole' dad. I can only hope to be a blip of his greatness when I'm his age.

How do you kill a blue elephant?

  • With a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a white elephant?

  • Choke him till he turns blue, then use a blue elephant gun.

Did you know elephants paint their toenails to hide in bags of skittles? No? Have you ever seen an elephant in a bag of skittles? NO? WELL I GUESS IT WORKS!

All the guys in highschool band would call me a girl whenever my stomach would hurt after playing an instrument too long.

  • Why'd it hurt your stomach? Minstrel Cramps.

I brought a girl over once and her name is Jessica. My father has a pretty severe case of tinnitus where he hears about 5-6 different tones at any given time. She announced her name and he thought it was Melissa for a few minutes. Eventually she corrected him.

He stared at her blankly for a moment and then asked, "Why'd you change your name Melissa? I think Melissa is a much nicer name."

Goddamnitdadwhyyoudothistome.

These are only a few. I practice very hard every day with my f

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CptSmackThat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2013
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Had to Buy Some Nail Clippers

I went to the convenience store on my college campus because I needed to get some nail clippers. A girl I knew walked in and this exchange was had after we had started talking:

Me: The only good clippers they had were in this pack with this other body care stuff, do you want any of it?

Girl: Sure, but those are toenail clippers. There are some fingernail clippers over there (very small ones).

Me: I have very thick nails, so those won't cut it.

The look she gave me told me how close she was to groaning.

Edit: Spelling

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ntblt
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2014
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Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

To hide in a cherry tree!

Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?

Works, don't it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KrustyNugs
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
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How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree?

Paint its toenails red.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MALESTROMME
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2019
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How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree?

You paint its toenails red.

...

Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?

...

See how good it worksβ€½

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2017
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