.. He's Dr Hans Sanitizer.
with baited breath.
One says it's Lewis-Ville. The next one says the locals say Lew-ville and the last one says they say Lewie-ville. After arguing for a few minutes they see a place to get some lunch. They all agree it would be great to hear how the locals pronounce the name of their city. They all go up to the counter and one says, could you tell me where we are and please say it slowly. BURR-GURR-KIIING!!!
Armageddon outta here!!
They were charged with "Idle Warship".
I work in the investigations section of a military police department, and aside from our normal office hours, we have 24hr shifts that cycle through the office, so that there's an investigator present and on-duty 24/7/365.
My co-worker was wrapping up some paperwork this morning, and coming off of his 24 hr shift, and almost dead to the world. At the time, a pair of other investigators in my office were discussing some case that had happened a day or two prior that involved an emancipated juvenile.
I was just logging into my workstation to check my e-mail and I turned to my co-worker and asked, "Hey, so when a juvenile gets emancipated, and he announces it - proclaims it, if you will - what would they call that?"
He stares at me with a blank, uncomprehending expression and I continue, "An emancipation...proclamation? Maybe?"
The annoyed groans of someone who's been up for 24 hours are so satisfying.
"Then you’ll have a match!"
I told her I'd prefer that she leave her head on
Tortoise
I guess she isn’t into the kinky stuff.
I looked down at him and chuckled, “I think my feet are too big.”
We're calling him Carson, I still don't think she knows.
They were going to help unload hay bales that are delivered there once a month. As she was backing out of the garage, I waved goodbye and yelled, "Tell everyone I said hay!"
Me: confused that we aren't heading home Where are we going?
Dad: keeps staring straight ahead with a blank face Left....
Me: "Do you know if they are rejecting any trees at the firehall this year?"
Wife: "No...? I haven't heard anything"
Me: "I guess they still have an o-PINE door policy!"
Wife: "I hate you so much right now"
Boyfriend: "Which terminal are we going to?"
Me: "We're flying out of A Terminal?"
Boyfriend: "Yes, but which one?"
But it's such a rip off.
Packing a suitcase full of shoes because she’s in a hurry...
“Can you put that in the car?” “Put what in your car? The Shoetcase?”
Retirement.
I said "loads."
"What's the time, Dad?"
Dad looks at his digital watch:
"It's 19:54. So we've got a good 60 years before we need to be at the quiz!"
Dad: Where are you going?
Me: Celebrate new year with my friends.
Dad: Please be back before next year.
Happy New Year Dads!
When my girlfriend and I was climbing up several stories in an apartment to go to our spot to practice dancing, I complained that it'd be easier to just practice on the first floor.
Her: I don't want to, we'd get so many stares!
Me: We can't possibly get any more stairs than here.
I tell myself that she thinks I'm cool every time
If you've ever been to a hospital that has valet service, you know that they can sometimes drive like jerks.
So my dad and I were driving up the parking ramp to our parking space for an appointment (valet service is optional at this hospital), and one of the valet drivers was riding our ass the whole way. I said, "Damn, this guy in the Lincoln needs to slow down." My dad responded, "The valets here all drive like jerks." As we reached the parking spot the guy pretty much blew past. So then I chimed in with "You'd think people at a hospital would be more patient." And my dad just replied with a groan and a "gee whiz."
She says: Oh, it's really misty down here.
Dad says: I guess a lot of people must have just mis-ty-train.
Dad: Oh good, I don't have to carry you in. Walk ins are welcome!
