He is right there...
π︎ 4k
π
︎ May 12 2021
I told my dad that home births have skyrocketed since corona; he was confused.
He thought homes were built, not born.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ May 17 2021
He gave the toy horses a home in his ___
π︎ 3k
π
︎ May 07 2021
At least he won't turn over in his grave.
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Mar 27 2021
Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).
In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.
π︎ 953
π
︎ May 08 2021
My dad wanted to post something on Reddit and I told him thereβs specific subs he would want to post on and certain ways to post
And he responded βoh so thereβs reddiquette to it thenβ
(Also heβs on Reddit now so if he sees this then hi dad)
π︎ 1k
π
︎ May 04 2021
Bill Gates meets Arnold Schwarzenneger at a party and asks him if he's upgraded to Windows 10 yet? Big Arnie replies.......
"Ah still love Vista Baby....."
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Mar 22 2021
I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81
π︎ 224
π
︎ May 22 2021
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Mar 19 2021
A chemist froze himself at -273.15Β°C. Everyone said he was crazy
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Mar 09 2021
I asked my Dad why he decided to buy a boat?
He said "There was a sail."
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Mar 18 2021
Heβs wright!
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Mar 16 2021
Asked my contractor why he didnβt bill me for my new roof
He said βDonβt worry about it, itβs on the house!β
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Apr 25 2021
Just had an officer at the door saying he was looking for a man with one eye...
Told him to use both and heβd probably find him a lot quicker.
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Mar 18 2021
I bought my 10 year old son an acoustic guitar yesterday and he has mastered 3 chords already.
So now the full Oasis songbook is covered he's moved on to a new one.
π︎ 118
π
︎ May 11 2021
Legend says , he is still 0K.
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Mar 10 2021
Hades decided if he was going bald, there would be hell toupee.
π︎ 51
π
︎ May 21 2021
My five yo son asked how he could spell pier...
So I said "it depends on which pier you mean. Can you use it in a sentence?"
His reply: "Yes. How do you spell pier?"
π︎ 88
π
︎ May 20 2021
True story: I was a kid, watching TV in our living room. My dad was outside using the grill. All of a sudden he bursts in the door hopping on one foot yelling βI stepped on a Bee!β
I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...
Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.
Apparently I had dropped one...
Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....
A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Mar 07 2021
At least heβs trying
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Feb 27 2021
I went to the beekeeper to get a dozen bees. When he gave me the bag, I counted 13, so I said βoops, you gave me an extra-β
He said βNah, thatβs a freebieβ
π︎ 223
π
︎ May 05 2021
I wonder if he ate the wrapper too
π︎ 46
π
︎ May 15 2021
A man attends a funeral for his best friend. He approaches the grieving widow, gestures to the podium and asks; "May I say a word?" The widow responds "Of course.."
The man stands up and speaks "Plethora." and steps back down.
"Thank you..." says the Widow, "that really means a lot."
EDIT The responses here are incredible! π
π︎ 176
π
︎ Apr 28 2021
What does James Bond do before he goes to bed?
π︎ 458
π
︎ Apr 26 2021
So the doctor came in to ask me about my broken arm. He said, "will painkillers help?"
π︎ 142
π
︎ May 18 2021
Dad caught me chewing on my clothes.. he asked me..
are you on a pant based diet?
π︎ 113
π
︎ Apr 29 2021
Why did the student throw a 64 pack of Crayola crayons at his art teacher after he was done with his test?
He wanted to pass with flying colors.
I thought of that myself.
π︎ 46
π
︎ May 13 2021
A mother gave birth to a boy with a defect, he only had a head.
There was no body, arms or legs to him but he was functioning normal and his parents loved him.
On his 21st birthday his dad took him to a bar, bought him a beer and gave it to him to drink.
Suddenly his torso grew out of his head. Around him amazed the bar started chanting βDrink, Drink!β
His dad got a second beer and gave it to him, this time he grew arms and hands. The stunned crowd all chanted again βDrink, Drinkβ
He got his third beer and drank it himself with his new hands, suddenly legs and feet grew. The crowd applauded and cheered. The son couldnβt believe it and started to run. He ran around in circles and then out of the bar. Unfortunately he ran into the road, got hit by a truck and was killed instantly. The barman looked at his dad, sighed and said βHe should have quit while he was a headβ
π︎ 157
π
︎ Apr 27 2021
How does a lumberjack keep track of his daily progress? He keeps a logbook
π︎ 18
π
︎ May 22 2021
I once debated a flat earther. He got so mad he stormed off saying he would walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.
Heβll come around eventually.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Feb 11 2021
What did Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant?
Dead ant, dead ant β¦ dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, DEAD ANNNNT!
π︎ 288
π
︎ Apr 07 2021
My dad had a piece of skin from his shoulder grafted to his nose today. I'm just glad he'll always have a shoulder to cry on.
I also told him "now you'll be able to put your nose up at someone and give them the cold shoulder at the same time"
He thought I was "very punny"
π︎ 72
π
︎ May 13 2021
What did the Terminator say after he got his coffee?
π︎ 68
π
︎ May 12 2021
So you know Gandhi? Walked barefoot, tough feet. Fasted a lot, so he was weak. Prayed a lot, real spiritual. Unfortunately, suffered from bad breath.
In other words, he was a super-calloused fragile mystic suffering from halitosis.
π︎ 155
π
︎ Apr 22 2021
What did the man say to the woman he liked who had bladder problems?
π︎ 30
π
︎ May 23 2021
A two-star officer was so vain about how good he looked in the updated uniform...
...he ordered all flare guns to be loaded with an action figure in his likeness. That's right:
the Very model of a modern major general.
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 16 2021
My son was dating Edith when he met a babe named Kate.
I told him you can't have your Kate and Edith too!!
π︎ 30
π
︎ May 23 2021
He did watt?
π︎ 34
π
︎ Apr 20 2021
He chooses you...
π︎ 32
π
︎ May 14 2021
What does the god of thunder get when he drops his hammer?
π︎ 62
π
︎ May 08 2021
Doctor told me my insurance doesn't cover Viagra, but he can prescribe me the generic.....
π︎ 70
π
︎ May 07 2021
He's under a tack
π︎ 17
π
︎ Apr 30 2021
As the cop knocked on my door, I just stayed in complete silence. He then knocked again. Determined not to give myself away, I just stayed still.
Cop: "Do you think I am stupid ? I can see you through the window."
Mee: "You are not coming in."
Cop: "I don't want to come in. I want you to step out of your car !!"
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Mar 13 2021
Barack Obama went to a costume party giving his wife a piggyback. Someone asks what he is and says "I'm a snail!"
"That's M'Shell on my back!"
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Jan 25 2021
Know what my grandfather said to me, right before he kicked the bucket?
"How far ya think I can kick this bucket?"
π︎ 166
π
︎ Apr 15 2021
My son told me he wanted to be Batman when he grows up.
The little shit wants me to be gunned down in an alley.
π︎ 40
π
︎ May 18 2021
And then he can't log in anymore
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Feb 13 2021
My grown son asked me how I never seemed to lose the tv remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
π︎ 19
π
︎ May 17 2021
What did the boy say as he accidentally fell down the slide?
π︎ 16
π
︎ May 18 2021
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