My downstairs neighbor complains that whenever I eat Doritos on my porch, it gets all over him on his patio. As usual, he's exaggerating.
He just has a chip on his shoulder.
Did you hear about the guy who used a racing game to get reputayion on Reddit, but it turned bad?
How do trees get it on the internet?
My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out...I replied “baby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on...
But you are coming back with high heels”. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha
I get so mad at my wife when she turns on the heater idk what it is
But I swear I lose my cool
I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long pole. He hates it.
It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.
Every time my wife gets her hair coloured at the hairdresser’s, she records it on her phone.
I think she watches the highlights later.
Wife: you forgot to get the evaporated milk. It was on the list.
######Me: [looking thru the grocery bags]
I definitely got it
Wife: don't you dare
Me: it must've evaporated
So, I was on the train the other day, and you know how it takes a while to get to the city, well my phone battery was flat and I didn't have a book, so I was a bit bored, but then I realised that there is all this cool graffiti on the tunnel walls... and um... so my phone was dead... and.. the city?
Oh darn it! I lost my train of thought.
While I was grilling, my son asked "can I get pickles on my burger, If it's not too much to ask?"
If I get a message on my phone after midnight I always assume it's about disposable gloves
because it's a late-text (latex)
I never knew a mouse could get callouses on its feet.
Thank goodness for pumice stones!
What do you get when a chicken lays its eggs on top of a hill?
I think my towel has a crush on me because whenever I rub it on me it gets wet
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance!" says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"
"Well, you have a short memory." says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes." comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here, on the swing."
Spent $400 on a limo, but I didn't get a driver for it.
All that money, and nothing to chauffeur it.
This beer has Braille on it so you can get blind drunk
Kermit the frog went to the bank to get a mortgage for a new lilypad. He walked up to the desk of loan officer Patricia Whack and placed a small porcelain statue of an angel on her desk asking if she would take it as collateral. "What is that?" she asked...
It's a knick knack, patty whack. Give a frog a loan?
What do you call it when you buy something on line from the Middle East and get ripped off?
What gets all hot and turned on when you stuff it?
Is it just me or does oddly shaped fruit really get on your nerves?
Eh, maybe I'm just being pear-annoyed.
Fishing on an inland lake on an island this weekend with my daughter. This island generates lots of power via wind turbines. Anyway, We are on the lake and it gets rough and REALLY windy. Pretend to get mad and yell at the power station...
"Turn off the damn fans, I'm trying to fish over here and you are creating too much wind"...
groans ensue.....
I knew there was something odd about this ball, I just couldn't get a handle on it...
What’s it called when you get assaulted on pavement?
Like humans, air conditioners get turned on when it’s hot.
I was tuning a guitar. While doing this one of the stings snapped in half perfectly. I took one half and stretched It out. I managed to get it on. One problem though. As soon as I played it shot straight to the ceiling.
I’d never heard or seen such a high note.
Get on with it
Carbon dating goes back 50,000 years, when will carbon get married?
An obscure experimental vaccine on minors was tested from 1990 to 1999, it ended up causing thyroid hypersensitive ischemia syndrome and was therefore discontinued. Therefore, only 90's kids would get T.H.I.S
Every year on New Year's Eve, when everyone's counting down the final 10 seconds to ring in the new year, I get up off the couch and stand up. I stand up and raise my left leg and just leave it raised for a little while until the countdown finishes and midnight strikes
that way I always start the new year off on the right foot
What does a grape say when it gets stepped on?
Nothing, it let's out a little wine.
my 6yo son asked to use the treadmill. (okay, weirdo) while on it, the dog’s ball rolled underneath. he got off - the treadmill is still on - and STUCK HIS GD HAND UNDERNEATH IT TO GET THE GD BALL. so i clean his skinned up hand and arm, get him calmed down, and ask what lesson we learned tonight...
“never put your hand in a running machine”
signed,
the single mom who may have went too far picking up bio dad’s slack
An almond doesn’t lactate: The FDA hasn’t been enforcing its own policy or putting the squeeze on product makers—and that it’s time to get abreast of the labeling language.
arstechnica.com/tech-poli…
If it doesn't rain on Wednesday, my girlfriend promised to get mildly frisky with me
Hopefully it'll be a dry hump day.
I have trained them well, now the wife is in on it... Me: (after a long hot weekend) I need to get a fan.
Wife: Woo! You're the best. Gooooo husband!
I want to get a Tommy Hilfiger ring and put it on my middle finger
That way I can give everyone the Tommy Hilfinger
As a very fat man I took my kids horseback riding. I placed my youngest on a small horse and it huffed a bit. I put my oldest on a medium horse and it huffed a bit. I walked over to a rather large horse and tried to get up on it. His eyes got big...
And he went "Neigh! Neigh!"
I spend lots of time on the toilet. it's the only place I get shit done.
I have a large brown mole on my forearm - do I need to get it looked at?
http://imgur.com/gallery/vNoFX
If I were to change my last name, I'd change it to Watts. That way, if I ever have a boy of my own, when he asks where he's going on his first day of kindergarten, I get to say...
"Elementary, my dear watts son."
Wife said she has wood glue on her forehead and couldn't get it off.
I looked at her and said, "That's because you're a blockhead."
I'm a little low on money at the moment to buy Injustice 2. I plan on trading games back to GameStop even though I will get next to nothing for it. I'll even trade in my original Injustice game for it...
that's what I call poetic injustice.
Our family went on a long hike, and our youngest son kept slipping and falling. My wife comforted him, saying, "Don't worry, honey, after we get through this snowy part it's all cake after that." "Don't believe a word she says," I interjected...
"There's no cake, it's all just rocks and dirt."
My son sent me a recording of a song he wrote. I gave him a suggestion to improve it but he didn't Iike it. He said it was "cheesy" So i said, "Maybe if you worked on your Kraft a little harder you might get a single."
A Rocket Launcher (x-post from /r/funny, did not get any feedback on it)
What do they call it when you get drunk on a boat?
Pun contest. Name our bands next "tour". Get it printed on shirts. Win imaginary gold.
Backstory: I play in a small band that does a "tour" of southern Wisconsin every year. The bands name is the Petty Thieves. This is my first year with them, but every year they come up with a tour name and make nice t-shirts and material with the tour name on them. Last two tour names were "Sticky Fingers" and "Busted!" We are looking for something related to the band name. Something clever and crime related. If it has mild sexual innuendo, all the better, but not overtly obscene. Some tour names we came up with are: Five Finger Discount, Backdoor Tour, Snatching Kisses, Kissing Snatches, Robbing the Cradle, Something something Miss Demeanors, Spread 'em, Felonious Funk, Unlawful Entry, Rhymes against Humanity, etc...
If you have anything punny, please throw it out there. Top 3 upvoted names get reddit gold. If we use your tour name, I'l send you the tshirt. Thanks kind sirs!
I had some bumps on my arm and was going to get it amputated.
The doctor thought it was a little rash.
I've written a play about a troubled teen who gets drunk on mexican beer and blinds a bunch of horses. It's called . . . .
A roadside motel, couldn't get a gauge on it.
I just couldn't get a vibe for the place. On top of that, the lighting in the library area was terrible.
Hard to read inn.
What do you call it when you get a hard on from burning someone over the Internet?
What is called it when you get motion sickness on a submarine?
What did the mouse get on its 18th birthday?
After seeing this cat on /r/animalsbeingderps my wife said, "That cat is telling the cheesiest joke right now.... it's how he gets the mice."
A guy in the pub dropped this on me, I've proceeded to get many a groan out of it.
Don't you find that lollipop men make you cross?
Had to get a Passport for a fishing trip. left The photo on the kitchen counter for about 15 minutes. Found it like this.
I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it.
It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.
I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it.
It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.
I have a friend who was born on July 5th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long fence post. He hates it.
It might be stupid, but 5/7 wood post again.
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