If you become seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water just before you go to bed.

That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Have you heard of the man addicted to drinking brake fluid?

Says he can stop anytime!

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2021
🚨︎ report
I finally quit drinking for good

Now I drink for evil

πŸ‘︎ 104
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pathrado
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Have you been drinking? I smell beer on your breath.

No, I’ve been eating frog legs. What you smell is the hops!

πŸ‘︎ 94
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LTenaciouSD
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Just wondering, do you think it's alright for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are in school..

..or am I just a terrible Teacher ?

πŸ‘︎ 115
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend told me that drinking beer would make him smarter....

But, I don't think anything would make my Budweiser.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife saw me drinking from a Halloween skull the other day

Wife: who’s skull is that

Me: a man named Phillip

Wife: what’s in it?

Me: vodka and orange juice.

Wife: .......

Me: it’s a Phillips head screwdriver

πŸ‘︎ 200
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/I_eat_unwiped_ass
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2021
🚨︎ report
I'm giving up drinking for a month!

Sorry wrong punctuation. I'm giving up. Drinking for a month.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PensionNo8124
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2021
🚨︎ report
Drinking a stranger's cup of tea...

...is really not my cup of tea.

πŸ‘︎ 122
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bishslap
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
🚨︎ report
The police arrested to kids yesterday, one was eating fireworks, and the other was drinking battery acid

They charged one, and let the other off

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VeryDumbDonkey
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
🚨︎ report
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "You are in here a lot, do you think you have a drinking problem?"

The horse says, "I don't think so," then disappears into nothing.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. The classic philosophy put forward by RenΓ© Descartes.

But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bearfeedmitch
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the royal taster say after drinking the poisoned water?

Not much

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
🚨︎ report
My doctor has advised me to stop drinking, its going to be a massive change for me.

I've been with that doctor for 15 years.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tombola201uk
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife sent me a heartwarming text that read, β€œIf you're sleeping, send me your dreams. If you're laughing, send me your smile. If you're eating, send me a bite. If you're drinking, send me a sip. If you're crying, send me your tears. I love you!”

I replied, β€œI'm on the toilet, please advise…”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I've been reading so many horrible things about drinking and smoking recently, that I've made a firm new year's resolution..

..NO MORE READING !!

πŸ‘︎ 226
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Two bees are drinking at a bar, a couple aproaches them, one of the bees says "Get away, you scumbags!" The other says:

"I'm sorry for what my friend said, I would like to a-pollen-gise"

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/A_Fishy_Boi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
After a really bad experience with alcohol, I gave up drinking altogether.

Now I just drink alone.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
🚨︎ report
By buddies and I were drinking beer and cracking jokes, but things started to get out of hand.

It was quite the brew-haha.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Shu-di
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
🚨︎ report
"Son, what're you drinking" "Soy milk"

"Hola milk, soy es tu padre!"

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/romben1
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
🚨︎ report
My uncle just passed away from accidentally drinking wood varnish

It was a sad way to go, but a beautiful finish.

πŸ‘︎ 70
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SparkleFritz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
He was sentenced to drinking spruce tea or leaving for 6 months because he was teaching the youth how to be passive-aggressive. His disciple Playdoh wrote half a screenplay about him before giving up and finding a real job.
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NRGFalcon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I started drinking weed infused vodka

It keeps me in high spirits

πŸ‘︎ 52
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Flazdude
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a feline paralyzed from drinking carbonated water?

Catatonic

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
There I was this morning, sitting and drinking Coffee in my slippers , and I thought to myself..

..I really need to clean a few mugs around here.

πŸ‘︎ 163
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
🚨︎ report
DROP YOUR BEST PUNS FOR HISTORY DRINKING GAME

I'm creating a drinking game where every important event equals to drinking, but I am nowhere close to NAMING my drinking game. A friend of mine recommended this subreddit, saying that people drop some really punny puns here. Give your ideas for a title, I think up to 6 words would be okay.

Let's see what you can do!

What you need to know about the game:

  • You can create your timeline based on packages (ages, countries, continents, etc).
  • Every important event has a normal action and drinking action.
  • You never know in which year you are located but get an estimate year. You can either guess the year (or date) and get a free pass or you have to execute the action or drinking action. When you guess wrong, you'll have to double it.

That's basically it.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tyounr
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend always told me to try different types of tea instead of drinking only Earl Grey.

He was right all oolong.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jakwag1019
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
When does a adult know it’s time to stop parting and drinking?

When it becomes a parent

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Coolme07
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My great uncle died from drinking furniture polish

It was a slow death, but a beautiful finish.

πŸ‘︎ 65
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/towntown1337
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Always being asked why I'm holding two plastic drinking cups.

My answer is always the same: Because.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/capedpotatoes
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Drinking beer with a philosopher....

Makes you nothing Budweiser.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/trelas_123
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Last month my doctor told me, "Bob, this is seriously urgent. You really have to start drinking less vodka."

I've been out to at least 40 different bars since then, but no one seems to carry that brand. Anyone know where to find it?

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BuhoBuhoGris
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I stopped drinking Coke

Dr. Pepper highly recommended that i should stop

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Slymood
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My chemistry professor once said, "I teach better when I'm drinking!"

(That was an Alkali.)

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My doctor said I should drink alcohol in moderation. I don't think I can control my drinking...

... but it's worth a shot!

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thirteen_20
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
A couple is sitting in the living room drinking beer

Out of the blue the husband says, β€œ I love you”

β€œ Is that you or the beer talking” asks the wife

β€œIt’s me” says the husband β€œtalking to the Beer”

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ve decided to give up drinking and replace booze with mashed potato...

I guess you could say I’ll just be getting sMASHED from now on.

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Js_sampson
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I was trying to think of a pun to do with drinking

But I couldn't. I think alcohol it a night

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/desk12345
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
She was drinking alone so I went over to her and gave her my best pickup line...

She's apparently not a Ford F-series fan.

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife caught me drinking brake fluid this morning. She told me that wasn't good for me.

I told her it's okay, I can stop anytime.

Credit to @meetbuford on TikTok for this.

πŸ‘︎ 61
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I need under age drinking puns

I have a project to make my own campaign for change and ypu can probably tell its to do with under age drinking. I cant think of any good ones so guys please help

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/M_S02
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2018
🚨︎ report
Is it o.k. to start drinking as soon as the kids are at school...

....or, am I a really bad teacher ?

πŸ‘︎ 62
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I am giving up drinking for a month.

Sorry, that came out wrong.

I am giving up. Drinking for a month.

πŸ‘︎ 125
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/trace826621
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
🚨︎ report
There I was this morning, sitting and drinking coffee in my slippers, I thought to myself...

I really need to clean some mugs

πŸ‘︎ 139
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/potato_fish12
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I quit drinking for good!

Now I only drink for bad!

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm addicted to drinking brake fluid

I can stop any time I want.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/off-and-on
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.