I told my daughter, β€œGo to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, β€œWhat’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."

"It’s pasture bedtime!”

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2021
🚨︎ report
My dad constantly tells me I'll never amount to anything because I always procrastinate.

I'll show him. Just you wait.

Edit: Goodness, that blew up. My first awards, too!

I want to send out individual replies to thank everyone who gave me an award. I might do it later.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JinTaisa
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
🚨︎ report
This has so much potential but I just can’t think of anything!
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2021
🚨︎ report
When I was little my mom told me I could be anything I want to be...

Turns out identity theft is a crime.

πŸ‘︎ 229
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Shrek_on_twitch
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
🚨︎ report
What animal can fix anything?

A yak of all trades.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/phillydog1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Don’t by anything made with Velcro.

It’s a total rip-off.

πŸ‘︎ 84
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FoldaHolda
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I told my son, look the church has locked up the door and turned off their lights. He said, what's that got to do with anything? I said well,...

It's pastor bedtime

πŸ‘︎ 277
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/trigrex
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2021
🚨︎ report
I asked my wife, if there's anything she regrets in our marriage. Do you know what she said?

I do.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mutteri100
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2021
🚨︎ report
Why didn't the lobster want to share anything?

Because he's shellfish.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Moz1981
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2021
🚨︎ report
If I was going to steal anything from a store it would be a whisk

That’s just a.... whisk I’m willing to take.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DudeItsCake
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Mother said, β€œYou won’t amount to anything because you procrastinate.”

Kid said, β€œOh ya…..Just you wait.”

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jigsatics
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2021
🚨︎ report
This wasn’t even a hard one. Not to stroke my own ego or anything.
πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2021
🚨︎ report
I got an vinyl album of wasp sounds the other day. Played it, didn’t sound anything like wasps!

Then I realised I was playing the bee side.

πŸ‘︎ 293
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cheifsup
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
🚨︎ report
The other day my friend asked me if I noticed anything new about him after his vasectomy.

From what I could tell, there wasn't any vas deferens.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RTXChungusTi
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Why didn't Aladdin buy anything at the Arabian market?

It was too bazaar.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
🚨︎ report
The Easter bunny didn't leave me anything.

I guess, he doesn't carrot at all.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2021
🚨︎ report
An elderly inventor was becoming depressed with his life: his hearing was failing, his wife was always nagging him, he hadn't invented anything good in years, and his former good looks had been replaced by wrinkles and sagging skin.

He goes to the doctor to discuss his depression. When he arrives back home he has a huge smile on his face. He rushed past his wife and heads into the basement, where he immediately starts tinkering with a brand new invention.

His wife comes downstairs, gives the invention a once-over, then asks "What on earth is this thing, and how this supposed to help your depression?".

"Honey, the doctor told me working on this should have me feeling better in no time!" replies the man. He then proceeds to describe in detail how the machine cracks eggs, steams them, and flips them out onto a plate in under a minute, all at the touch of a button.

"But what on earth does this have to do with your depression? What did that quack doctor tell you to do?" asks the wife

The man replies: "He told me to work on my self egg-steam".

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Musicferret
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
🚨︎ report
If God posts anything on reddit it will definitely die in new...

cause all his worshipers will be devoting that post!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AmosArdnach_6152
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
🚨︎ report
So, I'm taking up leatherwork? Don't know anything about it, but, . . . .

I'm going to give it my awl!

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2021
🚨︎ report
I never finish anything

I have a blackbelt in partial arts

πŸ‘︎ 87
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Golfcourseboi6969
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
You'll laugh at almost anything, but when I joke about how a noisy animal has become a synonym for silence...

...it's crickets.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NotTooSpecial
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report
what do you call a canadian who can’t do anything?

a cantadian

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sleepcow
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a goalie so embarrassed that he can’t save anything?

Goal tender.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
🚨︎ report
In which part of Canada are you not allowed to do anything?

Ban-ff.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2021
🚨︎ report
When I woke up from an operation, the nurse leaned over and said, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

So I fondled her boobs.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Murphy's Law states anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Have you heard of Cole's Law?

It's shredded cabbage

πŸ‘︎ 69
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/loloPogi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can't you feel anything for a pretty girl named anne?

Because all you get is the Anne Aesthetic

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rossdabose
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
At the local donation center, only one guy donated anything, and it was a box of poop!

But hey, at least he gave a shit.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MitchOnTheMic
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
🚨︎ report
My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear, when she asked, β€œDo you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?” In my best bear voice, I replied...

β€œNo thanks, I’m stuffed!"

πŸ‘︎ 83
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why is drinking anything but tea bad?

Because it’s not tea

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MJFairb
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I'm not supposed to eat anything too suite.

I've got typo diabetes.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
My grandpa grew up during the depression, as a result, he never threw anything away.

He died in the war, holding a hand grenade.

πŸ‘︎ 867
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad: "Would you like anything to eat for dinner?"

Son: "What are my choices?"
Dad: β€œYes” or β€œno”

πŸ‘︎ 112
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Daudelin1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What's a state where the men don't know anything?

I don't know Alaska.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/afrojap
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
I went into a Gamestop, but they weren't selling anything but chewing tobacco

So I bought the dip

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wiznaibus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
🚨︎ report
I asked the Doctor β€˜have you got anything for excessive wind?’

He gave me a kite

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DrunkOnOrange
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
If you do anything illegal in Russia

You get Puttin jail

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/buttengine
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Someone said I wasn’t very smart because I never read anything. Well it so happens I was reading an article just the other day

It said Juicy.

Turns out it was an article of clothing.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Le_Gitzen
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
If you order a bust be made before you do anything important, let’s be honest.

You’re just getting a head of yourself.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/theRiverknows86
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?"

I said "That means it's pasture bedtime."

πŸ‘︎ 23k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ArchipelagoMind
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Don't buy anything made with Velcro.

It's a total rip-off.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hi_fiv
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2021
🚨︎ report
I got an vinyl album of wasp sounds the other day. Played it, didn’t sound anything like wasps!

Then I realised I was playing the bee side.

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ClaraLaraMeadie
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Got a vinyl album the other day on wasp sounds. Played it, didn't sound anything like wasps!

Turns out I was playing the bee side

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/2canVANdam
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I said to my daughter "The cows are out sleeping in the field." She said "What's that got to do with anything? "

I said "It's pasture bedtime."

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/timthedriller
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I told my daughter to go to bed because the cows are sleeping. She asked what’s that go to do with anything..

I said it’s because it’s pasture bedtime.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BigBadMerman
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I said to my daughter, ”It’s time for bed, the cows are asleep in the field”. She asked ”what’s that got to do with anything’?

I said β€œIt’s pasture bedtime”.

πŸ‘︎ 116
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear, when she asked, β€œDo you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?” In my best bear voice, I replied...

β€œNo thanks, I’m stuffed!"

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2020
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.