I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."
My dad constantly tells me I'll never amount to anything because I always procrastinate.
I'll show him. Just you wait.
Edit: Goodness, that blew up. My first awards, too!
I want to send out individual replies to thank everyone who gave me an award. I might do it later.
This has so much potential but I just can’t think of anything!
When I was little my mom told me I could be anything I want to be...
Turns out identity theft is a crime.
What animal can fix anything?
Don’t by anything made with Velcro.
I told my son, look the church has locked up the door and turned off their lights. He said, what's that got to do with anything? I said well,...
I asked my wife, if there's anything she regrets in our marriage. Do you know what she said?
Why didn't the lobster want to share anything?
If I was going to steal anything from a store it would be a whisk
That’s just a.... whisk I’m willing to take.
Mother said, “You won’t amount to anything because you procrastinate.”
Kid said, “Oh ya…..Just you wait.”
This wasn’t even a hard one. Not to stroke my own ego or anything.
I got an vinyl album of wasp sounds the other day. Played it, didn’t sound anything like wasps!
Then I realised I was playing the bee side.
The other day my friend asked me if I noticed anything new about him after his vasectomy.
From what I could tell, there wasn't any vas deferens.
Why didn't Aladdin buy anything at the Arabian market?
The Easter bunny didn't leave me anything.
I guess, he doesn't carrot at all.
An elderly inventor was becoming depressed with his life: his hearing was failing, his wife was always nagging him, he hadn't invented anything good in years, and his former good looks had been replaced by wrinkles and sagging skin.
He goes to the doctor to discuss his depression. When he arrives back home he has a huge smile on his face. He rushed past his wife and heads into the basement, where he immediately starts tinkering with a brand new invention.
His wife comes downstairs, gives the invention a once-over, then asks "What on earth is this thing, and how this supposed to help your depression?".
"Honey, the doctor told me working on this should have me feeling better in no time!" replies the man. He then proceeds to describe in detail how the machine cracks eggs, steams them, and flips them out onto a plate in under a minute, all at the touch of a button.
"But what on earth does this have to do with your depression? What did that quack doctor tell you to do?" asks the wife
The man replies: "He told me to work on my self egg-steam".
If God posts anything on reddit it will definitely die in new...
cause all his worshipers will be devoting that post!
So, I'm taking up leatherwork? Don't know anything about it, but, . . . .
I'm going to give it my awl!
I never finish anything
I have a blackbelt in partial arts
You'll laugh at almost anything, but when I joke about how a noisy animal has become a synonym for silence...
what do you call a canadian who can’t do anything?
What do you call a goalie so embarrassed that he can’t save anything?
In which part of Canada are you not allowed to do anything?
When I woke up from an operation, the nurse leaned over and said, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Murphy's Law states anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Have you heard of Cole's Law?
Why can't you feel anything for a pretty girl named anne?
Because all you get is the Anne Aesthetic
At the local donation center, only one guy donated anything, and it was a box of poop!
But hey, at least he gave a shit.
My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear, when she asked, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?” In my best bear voice, I replied...
“No thanks, I’m stuffed!"
Why is drinking anything but tea bad?
I'm not supposed to eat anything too suite.
My grandpa grew up during the depression, as a result, he never threw anything away.
He died in the war, holding a hand grenade.
Dad: "Would you like anything to eat for dinner?"
Son: "What are my choices?"
Dad: “Yes” or “no”
What's a state where the men don't know anything?
I went into a Gamestop, but they weren't selling anything but chewing tobacco
I asked the Doctor ‘have you got anything for excessive wind?’
If you do anything illegal in Russia
Someone said I wasn’t very smart because I never read anything. Well it so happens I was reading an article just the other day
It said Juicy.
Turns out it was an article of clothing.
If you order a bust be made before you do anything important, let’s be honest.
You’re just getting a head of yourself.
I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?"
I said "That means it's pasture bedtime."
Don't buy anything made with Velcro.
I got an vinyl album of wasp sounds the other day. Played it, didn’t sound anything like wasps!
Then I realised I was playing the bee side.
Got a vinyl album the other day on wasp sounds. Played it, didn't sound anything like wasps!
Turns out I was playing the bee side
I said to my daughter "The cows are out sleeping in the field." She said "What's that got to do with anything? "
I said "It's pasture bedtime."
I told my daughter to go to bed because the cows are sleeping. She asked what’s that go to do with anything..
I said it’s because it’s pasture bedtime.
I said to my daughter, ”It’s time for bed, the cows are asleep in the field”. She asked ”what’s that got to do with anything’?
I said “It’s pasture bedtime”.
My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear, when she asked, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?” In my best bear voice, I replied...
“No thanks, I’m stuffed!"
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