I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?"
I said "That means it's pasture bedtime."
In which part of Canada are you not allowed to do anything?
My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear, when she asked, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?” In my best bear voice, I replied...
“No thanks, I’m stuffed!"
If you do anything illegal in Russia
I accidentally turned a wrong valve in the factory which disabled the central cooling system and increased the temperature abruptly. I wasn't able to do anything, so I fled the scene immediately.
The police are now charging me for a 'Heat and Run' incident.
Why aren't people in Norway able to purchase anything?
My mom told me I would never accomplish anything lying around in bed..
Look at me now, saving lives!
What do you call a person who loves both himself and waffles more than anything else in the world?
A man sitting in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying anything without my lawyer present!”
The policeman says “You are the lawyer!”
“Exactly, so where’s my present?” Replies the lawyer.
If the Kavanaugh ordeal has taught us anything it's that the things you do in these college boys' clubs will follow you...
I was cutting down some trees in the middle of the night and I couldn’t see anything...
But I heard my chainsaw some stuff
I'm here to make a serious complaint about my local subway. Generally they do a good job, but I today I did an online order (so I didnt SEE them make anything). I didnt unwrap it in the store to check (because who does that), but when I got home it was absolutely not what I ordered.
My family was going around in a circle all making jokes. It got to my dad, and he didn’t say anything. I lean over and say to him:
If 90° says anything in argument with the other angles, it's always correct.
Cuz it's the only right angle.
I had $1,000 extra in my pay last month, this month I was $1,000 short. When I reported it to payroll they asked me why I didn't say anything when I got paid too much.
I told them, I'll tolerate one mistake but not two.
I rememeber when my teacher said I'll never amount to anything in life
He was right. I am now unemployed making jokes on Reddit
The only time I got anything for Valentine's Day was in 3rd grade where my teacher gave me a Slim Jim.
I spent Valentine's Day eating my meat.
I was at the beach today and there was a group of pelicans not doing anything. I concentrated hard on one pelican and suddenly if flew out to the water, snagged a fish in his bill and flew back to shore. "Wow", I thought to myself..
Pelikinesis is a real thing.
My boss is making me dig through a stack of hay bare-handed to look for anything that shouldn’t be there. I suspect he dropped his wedding ring while having an affair with the new girl he hired in the pile and now he is desperate to hide the evidence from his wife who might be on to him.
But I’m just grasping at straws here.
A condom manufacturer kept getting criticized because its new gimmicks never did anything for women. So they did what any good company would do and went to the most knowledgeable frog in the world for advice. You know what the frog said?
There really isn’t a pun for lethal injections, I mean if you think about it, even if you do say anything, your life is still in vein...
How do you know whether anything's changed in Europe?
Anything put in this cup will be Caffeinated
If you are ever at risk of hypothermia, DO NOT count anything in small quantities...
or else you'll get a little number.
I saw my ex in a party so I walked up to her to greet her. She saw me before I could say anything, saying: “I’m taken.” If she thought I was going to hit on her, then...
She’s definitely miss Taken.
My friend emailed me, "Do you know anything about the famous building in Pisa?"
"Yes I do," I replied in italics.
Driving through the harbour tunnel in Baltimore, I asked my kids to tell me if they see anything interesting in the tunnel...
They said there was nothing interesting, just tiles and other cars. I said that's because the tunnel is "bored".
They didn't get it. I told them you have to dig deep for that one.
Eventually they got it, and told me to stop telling bad jokes. I wanted to see how low I could go.
Wrote some quotes on my feet in preparation for an exam, the rules never mentioned anything against using footnotes
Me: Anything to eat? Wife: There's salmon I baked in the fridge. Me: Next time you should bake it the oven. Waka waka waka!
Those Kuwaitis never seem to be aware of anything that's going on in the news...
...it's like they live under Iraq.
I don't know if anything in my fridge is safe to eat
Everything in there is from last year.
I said to my daughter "The cows are out sleeping in the field." She said "What's that got to do with anything? "
I said "It's pasture bedtime."
I said to my daughter, ”It’s time for bed, the cows are asleep in the field”. She asked ”what’s that got to do with anything’?
I said “It’s pasture bedtime”.
My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear, when she asked, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?” In my best bear voice, I replied...
“No thanks, I’m stuffed!"
A man in court says, "I'm not saying anything without my lawyer present."
Cop: "But you are the lawyer..."
Lawyer: "Exactly, So where's my present?"
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