One time I accidentally ate horse and it sent me to the ER
Doctor said I was βstableβ
π︎ 23
π
︎ Apr 19 2021
A group of physicists came to my restaurant today, ate then explained what the force required to accelerate a mass of one gram at a rate of one centimeter per second squared is. Then when my attention was elsewhere, they all left, leaving behind a bunch of hyphens...
I should have known they'd dyne and dash.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Apr 25 2021
I ate all of my 4 leaf clovers.
Now all my lucks turned to shit.
π︎ 68
π
︎ Apr 14 2021
Outdad my dad with this one. He messaged me today that our dog ate a packet of corn chips. I replied..
...Soon we are going to have poop corn.
And added that we might have a cereal killer living in our house.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 26 2021
Was Spartacus mad because the Lion ate his wife?
π︎ 61
π
︎ Mar 24 2021
Today I ate a sandwich with my feet.
It was a below-knee sandwich.
π︎ 47
π
︎ Mar 12 2021
Yesterday I ate a clock....
It was very time consuming, especially when I went back for seconds.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Mar 24 2021
I accidentally ate some food coloring today.
The doctor says Iβm fine but I feel like I dyed a little inside.
π︎ 304
π
︎ Jan 28 2021
I ate something intangible last night.
It went straight through me.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Apr 11 2021
I told my teacher that my dog ate my online homework...
... He took a couple bytes of it
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 16 2021
I ate a kids meal at McDonald's today...
His mom got really angry!
π︎ 147
π
︎ Feb 22 2021
I guess I know what those philosophers said when they ate bread for the first time
π︎ 5
π
︎ Apr 08 2021
What did the balloon say when it ate the other balloon?
π︎ 9
π
︎ Mar 27 2021
Last night I had a dream that I ate a 50 lb marshmallow.
This morning I woke up and my pillow was gone.
Today is the 13th anniversary of my father passing and this was my favorite joke that he used to tell. Enjoy.
π︎ 253
π
︎ Jan 06 2021
I want to tell you about a girl that ate plants
but you've probably never heard of herbivore!!
π︎ 63
π
︎ Feb 22 2021
I ate a watch the other day
It was time consuming. I ended up going back for seconds.
π︎ 25
π
︎ Feb 14 2021
My wife: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: It was my friend Reese.
Her: Huh? how?
Me: Witherspoon.
π︎ 66
π
︎ Feb 10 2021
Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.
Tearfully, I asked him why.
He just looked at me and said,
"They're GREAT!"
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 06 2021
I don't know what I ate lastnight, but when I woke up, I crapped out a sparkwheel, a valve, a spring, and a piece of flint.
Afterwards, I felt a little lighter.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Mar 16 2021
Who ate the first pies?
π︎ 18
π
︎ Feb 14 2021
I saw that my cat Mitten ate a birdie.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 22 2021
You really ate dog meat? How was it?
π︎ 26
π
︎ Jan 29 2021
Last night I ate a piece of string
π︎ 45
π
︎ Feb 19 2021
do you know why German communist ate kids?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 19 2021
My dog ate laxative.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 24 2021
I ate an optimist once...
But, I couldn't keep him down.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Dec 16 2020
I ate a sandwich in the shower
π︎ 2
π
︎ Feb 21 2021
I used to get heartburn whenever I ate birthday cake...
... until the doctor told me to take the candles off first!
Happy cake day to meeeeee!
π︎ 12k
π
︎ May 24 2020
A ate a burger from a 1-armed chef.
He said it was a handburger.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 10 2021
I ate all my toddlers candy.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 08 2021
I ate a sausage
Whatβs the wurst that could happen?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jan 16 2021
We all know that 7 ate 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
His doctor told him to get three square meals a day.
π︎ 148
π
︎ Nov 09 2020
I don't mind foreign dishes, for example we ate some halal food last week
I think they called it Allah carte
π︎ 38
π
︎ Dec 07 2020
I was hungry so I ate all my chips.
Everyone else at the poker game was not impressed.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Jan 23 2021
I went to McDonaldβs and ate a kidβs meal today.
His mom was pretty upset at me.
π︎ 92
π
︎ Nov 27 2020
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister's math homework.
Now we're waiting to see if she passes algebra.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Dec 25 2020
Two gambling cows ate some weed.
π︎ 106
π
︎ Dec 23 2020
So I ate some frog legs for the first time tonight
They were pretty good. Only problem is, I now have a frog in my throat!
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 17 2021
I cut my birthday cake in half and ate both sides.
I wanted to halve my cake and eat it too.
π︎ 135
π
︎ Oct 21 2020
My wife and I went out for dinner and ended up with food poisoning. She ate some bad chicken and got salmonella
while I ate some bad salmon and got chickenella.
π︎ 38
π
︎ Nov 06 2020
What did the Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife?
Nothing he was gladiator.
π︎ 541
π
︎ Feb 03 2021
What did Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife?
Nothing!! He was gladiator.
π︎ 18
π
︎ Mar 29 2021
I just ate a clock
It was very time consuming
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 16 2021
I ate a kids meal at McDonald's today.
His mom got really angry.
π︎ 267
π
︎ Nov 24 2020
Last night I ate a clock
It was very time consuming.
Especially when I went back for seconds.
π︎ 32
π
︎ Dec 17 2020
I ate a kids meal at McDonald's today....
π︎ 367
π
︎ Nov 12 2020
Yesterday, I ate a clock.
It was very time consuming, especially when I went back for seconds.
π︎ 39
π
︎ Nov 30 2020
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