I ate a clock

It was very time consuming lucky I went back for seconds

πŸ‘︎ 300
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joeytherealking
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2021
🚨︎ report
I wonder if he ate the wrapper too
πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2021
🚨︎ report
I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's today

Their parents weren't happy.

πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ehhzuulaaa
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2021
🚨︎ report
I ate an optimist once.

But, I couldn't keep him down .

πŸ‘︎ 148
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2021
🚨︎ report
One time I accidentally ate horse and it sent me to the ER

Doctor said I was β€˜stable’

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Winterhats
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
🚨︎ report
A group of physicists came to my restaurant today, ate then explained what the force required to accelerate a mass of one gram at a rate of one centimeter per second squared is. Then when my attention was elsewhere, they all left, leaving behind a bunch of hyphens...

I should have known they'd dyne and dash.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the vegan say when they ate a plant based chicken nugget?

No harm because no fowl

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend's dog ate her wedding ring...

Now there's a diamond in the ruff (rough)

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2021
🚨︎ report
I ate too much gunpowder

It gave me explosive diarrhea.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YDAQ
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2021
🚨︎ report
I ate all of my 4 leaf clovers.

Now all my lucks turned to shit.

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/waldo06
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Outdad my dad with this one. He messaged me today that our dog ate a packet of corn chips. I replied..

...Soon we are going to have poop corn.

And added that we might have a cereal killer living in our house.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DitMasterGoGo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did people die after they ate Cheerios?

It was a cereal killer.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
🚨︎ report
I accidentally ate some food coloring today.

The doctor says I’m fine but I feel like I dyed a little inside.

πŸ‘︎ 306
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cryvee
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Today I ate a sandwich with my feet.

It was a below-knee sandwich.

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scoo89
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Was Spartacus mad because the Lion ate his wife?

No. He was gladiator.

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
🚨︎ report
I ate a kids meal at McDonald's today...

His mom got really angry!

πŸ‘︎ 145
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ES_FTrader
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
🚨︎ report
I ate something intangible last night.

It went straight through me.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jlionbad
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2021
🚨︎ report
I told my teacher that my dog ate my online homework...

... He took a couple bytes of it

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LegAcyCoolBro
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Last night I had a dream that I ate a 50 lb marshmallow.

This morning I woke up and my pillow was gone.

Today is the 13th anniversary of my father passing and this was my favorite joke that he used to tell. Enjoy.

πŸ‘︎ 254
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πŸ‘€︎ u/james-macavoy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
I guess I know what those philosophers said when they ate bread for the first time

They said "why dough?"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I want to tell you about a girl that ate plants

but you've probably never heard of herbivore!!

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spicoli0525
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the balloon say when it ate the other balloon?

β€œHeli-yum!”

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scaptastic
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
🚨︎ report
I ate a watch the other day

It was time consuming. I ended up going back for seconds.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/erajter
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife: Who ate all the ice cream?

Me: It was my friend Reese.

Her: Huh? how?

Me: Witherspoon.

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.

Tearfully, I asked him why. He just looked at me and said, "They're GREAT!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lord_Grif
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Who ate the first pies?

The pie oneers.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/obi_wannabee
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2021
🚨︎ report
I don't know what I ate lastnight, but when I woke up, I crapped out a sparkwheel, a valve, a spring, and a piece of flint.

Afterwards, I felt a little lighter.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iMakeCrap
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2021
🚨︎ report
You really ate dog meat? How was it?

.... rough

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/santafesmike
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
🚨︎ report
I saw that my cat Mitten ate a birdie.

Bad Mitten!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BelowZilch
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Last night I ate a piece of string

I shit you knot

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/schiggy182
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
🚨︎ report
My dog ate laxative.

He became very enemated.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CatsCreepMeowt
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
do you know why German communist ate kids?

because they were kinder

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chewby_chan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
🚨︎ report
I used to get heartburn whenever I ate birthday cake...

... until the doctor told me to take the candles off first!

Happy cake day to meeeeee!

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/charlie_boo
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
🚨︎ report
We all know that 7 ate 9, but why did 7 eat 9?

His doctor told him to get three square meals a day.

πŸ‘︎ 143
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
A ate a burger from a 1-armed chef.

He said it was a handburger.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrVegano
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
I ate a sausage

What’s the wurst that could happen?

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/voicedm
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
I don't mind foreign dishes, for example we ate some halal food last week

I think they called it Allah carte

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ledgerdemaine
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I ate a sandwich in the shower

It was a shoarma

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Helslade
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
🚨︎ report
I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's today.

His mom was furious!!

πŸ‘︎ 145
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PensionNo8124
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife?

Nothing he was gladiator.

πŸ‘︎ 546
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/itsthewendigo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Yesterday I ate a clock....

It was very time consuming, especially when I went back for seconds.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
🚨︎ report
What did Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife?

Nothing!! He was gladiator.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
🚨︎ report
I just ate a clock

It was very time consuming

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cuntillious
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
I ate a kids meal at McDonald's today.

His mom got really angry.

πŸ‘︎ 268
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Degtyrev
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I ate an optimist once...

But, I couldn't keep him down.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Last night I ate a clock

It was very time consuming.

Especially when I went back for seconds.

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ethereal_sandwich
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I ate a kids meal at McDonald's today....

His mother was furious.

πŸ‘︎ 367
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report

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