Wanted Notice Puns

There's more geese on that side.

It was time for the prom at Klondike High School and Tim's friends were desperately trying to convince him to go. He considered it, but was very self-conscious of the fact that he had had an accident as a young child that caused him to lose his eye, and the best his family could afford was to buy him a wooden eye. After several days of goading, Tim finally decides to go.

Sally was in a similar situation. Her friends desperately wanted her to go prom with them, but she was recently in a car accident and lost her right leg. She had a prosthetic, but it was very uncomfortable, so she had a hard time walking. Reluctantly, she agreed to go.

It was the night of the prom and both Tim and Sally were getting all gussied up with their friends. They both make it to the prom, but when they arrive, they are both too nervous to dance. Tim's friends notice Sally sitting on the wall and say to him, "Look over there! There's a cute girl who's all alone and needs a partner to dance with. Why don't you go over there and ask her to dance?" After some further convincing, Tim sheepishly begins to walk over to Sally to ask her. As he approaches her, he getes nervous, and awkwardly stands in front of her for a few seconds before saying, "Wuh...wuh...would you like to dance with me?"

Excitedly, Sally exclaims, "Would I? Would I?"

Tim responds angrily, "PEG LEG! PEG LEG!"

is a tension whore.

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?”

He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.”

Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. “Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.”

“No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

“Well, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said. “Her name is Sally and she’s selling batteries.”

“Batteries?” cried the wife.

“Yes,” he replied. “She sells C cells by the Seashore.”

I witnessed an apple store robbery today, they made me an iWitness. I was already running late, after my wife took my cheese this morning. Even after I told her it was Nacho cheese. She asked what time my dentist appointment was, I told her Tooth hurt-y. But I didn’t end up going, as there was stairs I had to ascend. I don’t trust them, they’re always up to something. Then my wife got really mad at me and said that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!

I went straight to the barber for a new look. He asked me if I wanted a haircut? I said no, I want them all cut. Puzzled he would ask such a silly question, I noticed the graveyard across the street looking overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there I thought. I picked up a book about anti-gravity. It was impossible to put down! Shear amazement a barber would have a book like this! I told the barber I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me. He stopped cutting my hair when my ear fell off. He must of realised I was a leper at this point so I paid for his service and told him to keep the tip.

I received a call from my Eastern European mother in law, apparently my child was refusing to sleep during nap time. She told me he’s guilty of resisting a rest. Then she called me straight back to say there was a kidnapping. I rushed to her home to find my kid napping. I was angry by the miscommunication but that anger turned to joy when I realised it was the first day of spring. I got so excited I wet my plants. After which I realised I was late for soccer practice. I’m not a big fan of the sport but I was doing it for the kicks. I decided not to go as I was tired from the night before where I spent the night looking for the sun. Then it dawned on me. Unusual for me, as I’m usually a pretty good sleeper. I can do it with my eyes closed.

After inspecting his room, he comes back to the hotel manager saying, "I would like six forks and a sheet" after noticing the absence of those items in his room.

He gets kicked out.

"Why did you kick him out?" says one of the hotel staff.

"He told me he wanted sex, fucks, and a shit!"

Okay, so this is my first post, so be gentle there. It s more a funny thing my dad did to mess with us than a dad joke. Our parents explained it to us , so i don t have the dialogues here. When we were little, my brother and I of course asked my parents how do we make babies, because we wanted a little bro or sis and they did not wanted us to get one. So we asked them how babies are made. They explained to us that you need 3 things ; a mother's belly , dad's seeds and a little bit of love. That was cute, they said that daddy had to put his seeds in mummy 's belly with the love. When we asked how, they told us to guess -this is why we thought babies were made by the bellybutton, they did really had fun with us- and then, finally, we asked them why they would not make us a little brother then. My father, had this brilliant idea to mess with us, which we sometimes did not notice, as we were little. He basically told us with a huge smile accros his face :" You know what ? If you find the good seeds, we'll make you one". My mother laughed but we took it seriously. We have apparently searched for hours even going in the basement, searching in mom's gardening seeds, ripping of the labels and bringing them to the parents to ask if these were the good ones . We eventually got fed up, and never asked my parents to have a sibling again.

And i noticed a giant T-Bone hanging from the ceiling.

I asked the butcher - Hey, whats this for?

 

Oh, replied the butcher Thats a compitition we have going. Choose what meat you want to buy and put it on the counter. You can then choose to jump and pull the t-bone down. If you do it in one shot, you get your meat free, otherwise you pay 50% more. Want to have a shot?

 

Nah I replied Steaks are too high

because of a certain case, which made it so that all the zoo animals had to stay in his bedroom. One of them keeps on waking him up, but he’s not sure which one. He goes to see an expert on similar situations like this. They go over which one is the most likely. The expert says:

“It’s not the fox, since those are quiet. It’s also most likely not the monkeys, because these types sleep well.”

They have a conversation like this, but the zookeeper keeps on wanting to talk about his elephant, which he loved and thought would never want to wake him up. The expert notices and plays along for a while, avoiding the subject until all other animals are no longer a suspect. The expert finally gets tired and asks the zookeeper:

“Are we going to talk about the elephant in the room?”

My brother’s wife has been pregnant for five months and decided that they wanted to reveal the gender of the baby at our family reunion of about 40 people.

One night, after just finishing up a BBQ, my brother and his wife stand up and announce to the family that they are going to have a little baby girl. Everyone starts cheering, naturally.

Once the cheers die down a little I shout out, “Do you have a name for the baby yet?”

My brother replies, “Yeah. Liana Noelle.”

Everyone starts to “Ooohhh” and “Ahhhh” and proclaim how pretty of a name it is.

Then after a moment I shout, “How the hell are you supposed to spell Liana with no L?”

Edit (10/22/2014): Probably won't be seen or noticed by anyone, but my baby niece was just born today! She's on the opposite side of the country, but I can't wait to meet her!

Son: Dad, I turn 16 in a few months and would really like a car for my birthday.

Father: Well son, I’ll make a deal with you. If you do three things for me, I’ll get you the car. First, you need to improve your grades. Second, I want you to see you in church every Sunday. And finally, I want you to cut your long hair.

A FEW MONTHS PASS

Son: Dad, next week is my birthday and I’ve done everything you asked. Can I get a car?

Father: I did notice you got straight A’s on your report card and I’ve seen you at church every Sunday. But you didn’t cut you hair. I told you to cut your hair.

Son: I wanted to talk to you about that. In bible study I learned that Moses, John the Baptist, and Jesus all had long hair.

Father: Yes they did. And they walked everywhere they went.

The following conversation ensued.

Receptionist: Hello, thank you for calling ______. How may I direct your call.

Me: Hi, I'd like to speak to in the morning.

Receptionist: Who?

Me: In the morning.

Receptionist: I don't know who that is.

Me: Well it says ______ but he asked me to call him "in the morning."

Receptionist: Giggle groan. That's a new one. Let me put you through.

Me: Thank you.

......

Recruiter: Hello this is ________.

Me: Hi in the morning, this is (me)

Recruiter: Hi, I wanted to go over your resume.

....... Later

Me: Thanks in the morning.

Recruiter (just now noticing) Why do you keep daing that.

Me: Your email said to call you "in the morning."

Recruiter: Groans

I hope this is the proper venue for this post. If not, feel free to delete me.

This came from when I was doing production lighting. Every once in a while during concert setup the audio tech would need help with mic check. Now the "real" audio guys would always just stand there going "check check check one two". Me being not a real audio guy wanted to have more fun than that, so I would always do "pages" as if I was paging people. But I would use these assumed names. Here is a partial list of names I would use. If you look closely you might notice a familiar u/name or two.

Paging Mister Lobbla … Mister Bob Lobbla (from Arrested Development)

Paging Mister Vitoomey … Mister Lee Vitoomey

Paging Mister Frescoe … Mister Al Frescoe

Paging Miss Haivure … Miss Bee Haivure

Paging Miss Mitch … Miss Miranda Mitch (my random itch - from The Mick?)

Paging Miss Dactyl … Miss Tara Dactyl

Paging Miss Falactec … Miss Anna Falactec

Paging Miss Tonin … Miss Sarah Tonin

Paging Mister Zinette … Mister Ray Zinnette

Paging Mister Reader … Mister Chip Reader

Paging Miss Kiaki … Miss Sue Kiaki

Paging Mister Doffish … Mister Stan Doffish

Paging Mister Debank … Mister Robin Debank

Paging Mister Festo … Mister Manny Festo

Paging Mister Ifornia … Mister Cal Ifornia

Paging Mister Itosis … Mister Hal Itosis

Paging Mister Saroni … Mister Rye Saroni

Paging Mister Nasium … Mister Jim Nasium

Paging Mister Aroon … Mister Mac Aroon

Paging Miss Ester … Miss Polly Ester

Paging Miss Rexia … Miss Anna Rexia

Paging Mister Zapan … Mister Pete Zapan

Paging Mister Tenuff … Mister Jess Tenuff

Paging Miss Eous … Miss Elaine Eous

Paging Mister Aroni … Mister Mac Aroni

Paging Mister Preneur … Mister Andre Preneur

Paging Mister Cetera … Mister Ed Cetera

Paging Mr. Zapple … Mr. Adam Zapple

Paging Mr. Bino … Mr. Al Bino

Paging Miss Slapter … Miss Ida Slapter

Paging Miss Talia … Miss Jenna Talia

Paging Mr. Rafone … Mr. Mike Rafone

Paging Mr. Zark … Mr. Noah Zark

Paging Miss Yoki … Miss Carey Yoki

Paging Mr. Foolery … Mr. Tom Foolery

Paging Mr. Atric … Mr. Jerry Atric

Paging Mr. Duttank … Mr. Phillip Duttank

Paging Mr. Anoma … Mr. Mel Anoma

Paging Mister Jass … Mr. Hugh Jass

Paging Mr. Onella … Mr. Sam Onella

Paging Mr. Maphobe … Mr. Jer Maphobe

Paging Mr. Packa … Mr. Al Packa

Paging Mister Dente … Mister Al Dente

Paging Miss Conda … Miss Anna Conda

Paging Miss Sharalike … Miss Sharon Sharalike

Paging Miss Bellum … Miss Sarah Bellum

Paging Miss Mennopey … Miss

One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies,

"Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger."

The owner replies, "Well, let's see... Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?"

The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, "I want this color sonny."

To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?"

"No son, I want this color."

"But ma'am, they didn't make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you?" says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale.

By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about.

The secretary replies, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!"

In a village just outside Sherwood Forest lived Old Robinhood, he had lived a very exciting life with his band of merry men, and his cause of stealing from the rich and giving to the poor and had a fantastic time doing it. He even had a sign outside his door that said, Robinhood, Bandit - but somehow the law never seemed to have noticed and he had lived in plain sight, doing good deeds, giving away money anonymously and living for the cause.

But now age had started to catch up and not being as nimble as he once was close escapes had started to get uncomfortably close. So he decided to retire and hand over the leadership of his band to his son.

So, Robin called his son over to him and said, ‘Son, I want you to take over from me as leader of the merry men. Steal and pillage all you want, but never forget the cause - we only take from the rich to give to the poor’.

‘Father, I will do as you say’ said Robin’s son whose name was Robinson, ‘but tell me one thing, why do you stay anonymous when giving money away?

Why not let people know of your good deeds - you have a sign outside that says bandit and you’ve never been caught, why not add the cause to the sign and say ‘Robinhood, Bandit, steals from the rich to give to the poor’?

‘Fool, screamed Robin, if you put the cause over the sign then you will get caught’

A man walks into a peculiar bar. There’s a small man no more than a foot tall playing the piano in the corner, men with horns and many other odd things. He noticed people huddled around a table. He walks up to the bartender and asks “what’s going on over there?” The bartender replies,” oh it’s a game, if you win a genie will grant you one wish”. “Really! Can I wish for anything!?” The Bartender says “yup just be specific and enunciate. Trust me” “How do you play!?” The man asks excitedly “It’s simple if you roll snake eyes you win. Everyone gets one chance and no more” The man runs over the the table and waits his turn. Once he gets up to the table he rolls snake eyes, he’s ecstatic. A genie appears over the table and says”you get one wish” The man is jumping up and down in excitement. He can hear the bartender saying something but ignores him and says”I want a million bucks!” The genie says”done” snaps his fingers and disappears. In that moment one million male deer, elk, antelope and other animals fill the bar spilling out into the street. After several minutes the stampede leaves the bar and the man says” what was that that wasn’t what I wanted!?” The bartender says “what did I say!? I told you to be specific and enunciate!” “Oooh I see But how did you know that would happen” the man says “Do you really think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?”

Got into an accident and lost his eye. The doc got him a wooden eye to fill the hole. Before the accident he was quite the ladies man, dancing with all the young ladies at the barn dances. But afterwards he never went out, just stayed at home. He knew no woman would ever want him. Finally all his buddies came by and grabbed him and took him to a barn dance. He was just looking at all the pretty young ladies, afraid to ask any to dance. He noticed the one he’d never seen before, she was beautiful. But as he looked at her, he saw that she had a peg-leg. Well, she’d dance with him. So he walked over to her and asked “would you like to dance” she replied with excitement “ would I, would I? And he replied “peg-leg peg-leg”

He's doing a mission (I'm barley paying attention). I glance up and there's 2 cop cars trying to stop him. They get on either side of him and pinch him to a stop.

Son: Dang. The cops got me.

Me: What happened? Did they cop block you? (still chuckling to myself)

BTW, He's only 7 years old. He has no idea why I thought it was funny. My wife gave me the look of disapproval, so success was had.

Edit: I just want to let everyone know that I didn't notice my barely/barley mistake until after the hop joke below. Thanks.

A large corporation, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know he meant business.

He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO told him to wait right there. He walked back to his office and came back a couple of minutes later and handed the guy $1600 in cash. "Here's 4 weeks pay. Now GET Out and don't come back here!"

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Dominoes."

Hey guys. As I'm sure most of you know, it's currently Thanksgiving in Canada. This time of year for me has, in the past, caused a lot of issues in my life.

To give a little bit of background on me, I'm usually an extremely healthy and fit guy, as I play high-level sports and have a physically demanding job. However, for much of my life, my willpower began to crumble around this time of year.

I first started taking my diet seriously when I was about 12 years old. I had some kind of realization where like, I dunno, I started looking at how jacked these movie stars were and was all, "wow, I want to be that cool too." Judging by the bowl cut I had when I was 12, my perception of cool may have been a little skewed, but I digress.

Anyhow, it was my first Thanksgiving where everything started falling apart. One of my relative's families ended up no-showing for dinner, so we were left with a load of Thanksgiving leftovers. For the next week, every single meal or snack I had was Thanksgiving themed. Sandwich? Turkey sandwich. Breakfast? Let's dollop some cranberry sauce on that bad boy. By the next week, my BGC (blood gravy content) was probably at like 1.0%.

You'd think I'd be sick of holiday food after that. But no. I loved it.

The tradition of refrigerated Thanksgiving snacks continued throughout the rest of my teen years. Like clockwork, the numbers on the scale would significantly jump upwards in October, with Halloween candy adding an extra layer of calories on top. By the time I reached 17, my waist had begun noticeably ballooning, and I realized it was all due to Thanksgiving turkey. Sure, I had some at Christmas and sometimes at Easter, but never like that. My mother would encourage this habit, making more food each year to be stuffed into our packed refrigerator.

The movie star bod I wanted for so much at the age of 12 was slipping a way. I needed to put an end to this.

Flash forward to October 2015, age 18. I had made a vow: I never again would place such putrid poultry onto my tastebuds. And ever since that fateful week of 2014, my vow had held true.

Each Thanksgiving, I can feel that craving for chilled turkey knocking on the refrigerator door of my fragile ego. For three years, I've held strong. But when will the garrison fall? When will that soft, biting flesh of the big bird smash it's way back into my life.

But so far, I've quit cold turkey.

She enters a ward full of patients, and notices that they’re all dressed in street clothes and have no obvious sign of injury or illness. The Queen approaches a patient and greets him. The patient replies:

“My heart’s in the Highlands, my heart is not here, My heart’s in the Highlands, a-chasing the deer.”

The Queen is confused, but smiles and moves on to greet the next patient. The patient responds:

“Some hae meat an’ canna eat, And some wad eat tha’ want it, But we hae meat an’ we can eat, so let the Lord be thankit.”

Even more confused, and smiling even more broadly, the Queen moves on to the next patient who immediately begins to chant:

“My love is like a red, red rose that’s newly sprung in June; My love is like the melody that’s sweetly played in tune.”

Now very confused, the Queen turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, “Is this a psychiatric ward?”

“No, Your Majesty,” replies the doctor. “This is the serious Burns unit.”

He tells the farmer that he wants to speak with his animals so he can check how their life there is.

The farmer reluctantly leads the inspector to the paddocks, the inspector notices some cows and approaches asking "Hello Ms Cow, how are you finding life on this farm?" The cow replied in a ventriloquistling voice, "I love my life on the farm, I get grass all day and get put indoors at night". The farmer is amazed at the sight before him.

The inspector makes his way to the duck pond and asks the ducks, "Ducks, how is your life at this farm?" The duck, like the cows reply "I love this farm, we get grain and the big pond. We love our life here".

The inspectors continues his way through the farm with the farmer in tow eventually reaching the sheep pen. As he makes his way towards the sheep the farmer quickens his pace catching the inspectors. "I have something to tell you before you chat to the sheep, THE SHEEP LIE!

So my grandfather is on his honeymoon with our grandmother and they are driving to Las Vegas, on their way there they see a fellow on the side of the road. They debate about taking him to the city instead of leaving him there, the end up letting him get a ride to the city, they say "Hey sir, want a ride to the city?" He replies "sure thanks", they drive down the road and notice he has a bag, so they ask " what's in the bag?" He replies with "None of your damn business" they start to think in their heads, what if he has something illegal or dangerous, so my grandfather takes action, he goes to the side of the road and pretends to fake piss and opens the door and my grandmother kicks him out and my grandfather gets back in locks the door and they speed off, as they're driving they notice he left his back and dropped it in the car, they decide to open and see what it beholds, they open the bag and find a single piece of paper, the paper had wording on it, it said "None of your damn business."

So his friend says what happened. Well, I was at church and we were all singing when I noticed the large woman in front of me, her dress was tucked between her butt cheeks. So I reached down below her butt, grabbed the fabric and pulled the fabric out. She turned around and lambasted me in the eye. OK says the friend, but how come both eyes are black? So then she turned back around and I thought wow, she must want it tucked back in

An older gentleman had an herb garden, one of the herbs that he had planted was thyme. The thyme took really well to the climate and environment of his lawn, and began to extend past his garden, into his lawn. Now, this was unacceptable as he prided himself on having a pristine lawn. He decides he needs to reign in the problem and heads to the nearby nursery to find a solution.

He gets there, but wants to make sure he finds the right product. After about 30 minutes, one of the customer service associates notices he's spent a lot of time looking around the herbicides and whatnot. Thinking the man has a weed problem, he offers the following assistance.

"Hey can I help you find a weed-killer? You've been on this asile awhile, and I can definitely speed up the process."

"No thanks," the man responds, "I've got some thyme to kill."

I was helping my daughter pack her car today, getting ready to leave tomorrow morning. She had a set of plastic stacking drawers wedged into her car, but in getting it there, it had come apart some, so we had to take it out to tape it together better. There was a black plastic bag leaning against it, and in all the wriggling, the drawers tore a small hole in the plastic bag. After taping the drawers, I noticed a small piece of the black plastic stuck to the drawers. I took it off and tried to give it to my daughter, saying, "Here's your hole," but of course she didn't want it, so I put it (you see this coming already, don't you?) in my pocket, and said, "Now I have a hole in my pocket." Her eye-roll was hilarious.

(Does anyone else remember a similar bit from the "Yellow Submarine" movie?)

There is a world where everyone is a cheerio and there are 4 main ranks. There is the plain cheerio then the chocolate cheerio then then the rainbow cheerio and then finally King cheerio himself. In this world there is a man called Steve, Steve was a plain cheerio working at a Mc. donalds. He found working there very boring, so he saved up enough money to get a surgery to become a chocolate cheerio. And so he got the surgery and now he was able to be manager at the Mc. Donalds he was working at. However he still didn't feel as if this was enough so he saved up enough money to get another surgery to become a rainbow cheerio. Now that he was a rainbow cheerio he owned Mc. Donalds itself. As a celebration king cheerio hosted a party at his mansion for Steve's new job. During the party Steve got a chance to speak with the King and he asked him how it was to be a the king, but the king replied that it was extremely exhausting to be the king. So Steve decided that he didn't want to be king. After his conversation he felt thirst so headed over to the drinks building. On the first floor he new he could get bear which he wanted, but as he arrived he noticed that the line was too big. So Steve went up to the next floor where there was wine, but again the line was too big. On the third floor there was Coke, but just like the other floors the line was too big. He also new that on the 5th floor there was milk which was his favourite. So he thought that might as well skip the 4th floor to get milk. But he changed his mind has he walked by the 4th floor as he saw the sign that they where serving punch and as he realised there wasn't any punchline.

OK, I am meeting with the VP of Research about things he is responsible for that are not going great. He wants to help. I work in research, and he is definitely several pay grades higher than me. I shake his hand sit down, and notice he is wearing a Winnie the Pooh tie. So, I lead off the conversation with "Roger, I am not sure where you've been today, but it appears you got a little poo on your tie." He looked at his tie for long enough that I got worried that he didn't get it and had to explain...

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and cat.

"That sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman said with admiration.

"Thanks!" the girl replied.

The fireman looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

The fireman said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Long ago in a Taco Bell far, far away...

Cute Girl Behind Counter: Here's your order.

Me: (noticing a soft taco on the tray) I wanted a hard taco.

Girl: (uncertain what to do)

Dad: Try rubbing it a little. Usually works for me.

(sigh)

That night somebody had broken into his shop and stolen a few very expensive suits, and he wanted the person responsible arrested.

He approached the counter, where the owner of the workshop stood.

 

"Hi!" she said. "I'm Emmy, how can I help you today?"

 

"Well, I have this problem, and I saw online that you could help me for cheap." he responded.

"My shop was robbed of some of my most expensive suits tonight, and I want your help catching the perpetrator."

 

"That's awful, but I am confused as to how I would be of assistance?" she said.

The tailor was silent for a second, noticeably confused.

Before he had a chance to respond she asked,

"What did you see on our website?"

 

"Well I didn't actually see it on your website, there was actually this ad that intrigued me. It had big bold letters and read:

For a limited time only, click the link to find the cheapest and best deals!!! Emmy's Suit cases - Now 50% off!!!"

So my girlfriend and I got in my dads Subaru and started it up. We paused and noticing everyone smelled something I chimed up. "It smells kinda like miso soup in here." Girlfriend agreed and my dad looked at me puzzled and then changed expressions before saying, "oh yeah, that's my new cologne. It's a rare line of perfume called Me So Sexy."

I wanted to shake my head in shame but I laughed my ass off.

The kids were probably around 8-12 years old. They all go the sweet aisle and start looking at the chocolate etc. The father picks up a bag of M&Ms and says to his kids:

"Hey, want some Slim Shadys?"
They give him a funny look. He looks again and notices that they're 2 for £1.
"50 Cent for some Eminems? That's Ludacris!"
Cue another look from the kids.
"I'll pay for them though, it's no Biggie."

I'll admit, I chuckled.

We decided to visit the Paul. W Bryant Museum before the game. The museum is essentially just a building full of the history of Alabama college football including National Championship trophies and all that. I happened to notice that there were lots of Tennessee fans walking around the museum as well which seemed a bit odd to me.

Me: Dad, why are there so many Tennessee fans walking around in here? It seems strange.

Dad: Well son, they want to see what a trophy looks like.

So in my calculus class last year in math, there were these two Chinese twins. Ving, and Ling. Ving was always super cool with me. In exchange for answers (he was super smart) I would hang out with him and be his friend and stuff. After I cheated off of him and studied with him though, I did get to be his friend and we got very close.

His sister, Ling, was always uptight about school and she made sure to study, she got stressed about a B, etc. One day I was hanging out with Ving, and we started talking about names. He went off on this huge rant about how he hated his, and how he wanted to change it to something more Asian-American, like Lee. I told him that the Courthouse downtown had a form that you could fill to legally change it. He told me: "I always give you answers. If you could just drive me down to the courthouse this one time, I will never forget you. I just hate this god-forsaken Chinese name and I want to get rid of it forever."

He seemed pretty adamant about it, so I decided the best decision would be to take him. We walked out to my car, and right as I put the keys in the ignition Ling came running and tapped on the car door like a madman. I rolled it down and she started freaking out about how Ving's name had been passed down through generations and generations, but Ving didn't care. He just wanted to go down to the Courthouse and get it over with.

Ling figured that coming with would be the best idea, so if anything else came up that she would be needed for, she would be there for Ving. Honestly, I felt stuck in the middle of a family feud, so I just took her along. When we got to the Courthouse, Ving confidently walked up to the front desk and asked the receptionist if he could change his name. She gave him a little packet of paper and told him to sit down. Ling and I waited patiently while Ving filled out his info. I was watching him fill it out and I noticed he really did want to change his name to Lee.

Before he finished, though, he started tearing up. He told me he couldn't change his name. He asked the lady at the front that he couldn't do it, and she told him he would need twenty dollars to cancel the request. Ling was so relieved and happy that he changed his mind, she dug through her purse, found the money, and started to hand it to the receptionist.

It was at this moment that the most stereotypical Asian man burst through the doors. He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt, a visor, American flag shorts, flip flops, everything. This

My parents and I were on our way home for spring break when my dad noticed a liquor store called "The Wine Spot." He pulled into the parking lot and started complaining "I'M TIRED, MY FEET HURT, I DON'T WANT TO DRIVE HOME" and pulled right back out. I didn't get it at first but my mom did and then I quickly followed and just lost it. Best dad joke he's done so far :')

My parents are currently in the process of selling their house. Mum has been tidying a lot because potential buyers have been coming through to have a look.
On a recent visit, I noticed that some wall pictures which had been hanging in the same places for years had been replaced by mirrors. I asked Mum about this:
Me: What happened to all the pictures?
Mum: I had to put them away
Me: Well what's with all the mirrors then?
Mum: I want people to be able to see themselves in this house

We walked over to the pets section to get some treats for the dogs, when I notice a treat called 'Pig Ears'. I want sure if they actually took ears of the pigs, or if it was just meat that was shaped/flavored like that.

"Dad, are those really pig ears?"

"Well yeah, have you ever asked this to a pig without ears? He probably couldn't hear you."

-.-

Sorry, but I need to vent!! So I went to Target to get some clearance Halloween stuff. I noticed this lady was staring at me in the same aisle I was in. No biggie. I moved to the next aisle and here she comes. Again... STARING! So now I'm like, What is her problem?! I finish up my shopping and head to the check out line. Of course who is there ahead of me but this same lady. She turns around and starts staring again. So I start playing with my phone b/c I'm getting a little uncomfortable. Finally she says "I want to apologize for staring at you, but you look just like my son who just passed away." I felt really bad after that and gave her my condolences. She says "Thank you...but I have a favor to ask. I know it's weird and understand if you don't want to, but can you give me a hug and say 'Bye Mama' to me?" Inside I was like buuuuh?!??!, but understanding grief the way that I do, I went ahead and did it. She smiles, thanks me, and leaves. The cashier rings up my stuff and the total comes out to $100.87. I knew something wasn't right, because it should have been like $40 or so. The cashier then tells me that my total was included with my mom's. I'm like, "What?!!!" She said, "Your mom said you were paying for her last few items along with your things. I told her that the woman was most definitely NOT my mom. She said, well I saw you hug her and heard you call her mama. I'm like OMG...I flew out of the store looking for this horrible person, ready to drag her back in, I see her loading up her car! She saw me and jumped in her car, I got to her as she was putting her leg in, and I started pulling her leg hard enough that her wooden leg came off!! Omg how is this happening right now?! So I grabbed her other leg and started pulling! Just like I'm pulling yours right now!

My dad and I where going on out usual morning walk, and we noticed a yardsale sign. I asked him "Do you want to go take look at the yardsale?" He replied with "Why on earth would I want to buy another yard".