While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said “She obviously has COVID!” “Why would you think that?” I asked.
“Because she has no taste.”
I was on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies...
Is this a trick question?
The genie asked, "What’s your first wish?" Steve replied, "I wish I was rich!" The genie nodded and said, "What’s your second wish?"
Rich exclaimed, "I want lots of money!"
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
My wife asked me if I wanted to watch Batman Forever on Netflix.
I said, “No, only for the next couple of hours.”
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl
...I said I didn't even know he could play cricket.
Edit: Americans; replace 'cricket' with '10 Pin Bowling 🎳 '
Thank you for the awards
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No…”
My wife asked for a divorce today, saying I was too un-American.
I saw it coming from a kilometer away.
My wife asked me to put ketchup in the shopping list
Now I can't read anything.
I was walking past the river today and this guy asked me if his rod looked good. Then, he asked if I liked his net. When he continued on and asked if I was impressed by the amount of fish he had caught, I finally lost it and shouted...
"Hey buddy, quit fishing for compliments!"
When I told my mate I was going deaf, he asked, “what are the symptoms?”
I said, “they’re a yellow cartoon family with Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie”
While doing a crossword, the cyclops asked his wife, "How do you spell Hawaii?" Glancing at what he wrote, she replied, "You need two i’s."
Cyclops growled, "My life is just a big joke to you, isn’t it!?"
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10." But what I still don’t get is why...
She wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.
My son asked me, “Because of the pandemic, I’m on the computer 12 hours a day. Is that bad?”
Me: That can’t be comfortable. Try a chair instead.
My wife asked me if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it!
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days
I said it must be my weekend immune system
My friend asked me if Princess Bride jokes are still a thing
I said, “they’re mostly dead”
My son asked me, “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
I said, “Usually to avoid answering questions like this one.”
Asked my wife how many diapers I should get
My son asked me what the difference was between horsepower and torque. I explained that horsepower is often more expensive the greater the amount...
...whereas torque is cheap.
I asked all the countries in the world if they wanted to throw a party. All of them told me they can't because of covid.
Only one was like "Yemen"
I asked a librarian if they had any books on 'Different noise levels'.
The librarian said "Sure!! What volume would you like?"
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
My son asked me how often planes crash
My son asked me "where does poo come from?" I was a little flustered, but did my best to explain about food, stomach, intestines, digestion, etc.
He looked confused, then stared at me in stunned silence. After a few seconds he asked "And Tigger?"
Waitress asked me how I found my steak.
I told her it wasn't difficult. They were right next to my potatoes
Gf asked for help, and I did the best I can
Rudolph the red and his wife were on a stroll. Rudolph the red looked up at the sky and said "we should hurry up, there is a storm comming". So his wife asked "how do u know" and he replied...
"Rudolph the red knows rain dear"
I asked my co-worker, "Bro, you want this pamphlet?"
My son asked me if I knew any good chemistry jokes as he'd just had his first chemistry class. I thought about telling him one about alkalinity...
But then I thought; 'Nah, too basic...'
We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."
I asked people what their favourite natural disaster was...
Avalanches won by a landslide.
My daughter was watching The Little Mermaid so I asked her if she knew why Sebastian was kicked out of college?
It's because all his grades where under da c
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
The only dad joke I know. My friend asked me to post it. :-)
I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been trippin' all day!
My dad asked me, “Do you know why our neighbour’s house burned down?”
Me: Fireworks?
Dad: Yeah. Sadly it does.
My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?”
So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house...
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick
She still isn't talking to me
My girlfriend asked if we could have an old movie night and watch “Gaslight”
I told her “we already watched that together, don’t you remember?”
One day, the Earth and the Sea met. The Sea asked the Earth: "Can I touch you?"
The Earth answered: "Shore"
The clerk at the hardware store asked me how long I wanted my lumber
I told him I was planning on keeping it
A girl came into my bookstore and asked "What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?"
Slim to Nun?
(Incidentally this is a true story and I got yelled at)
In a recent poll people were asked what they thought ÷ means
I visited a monastery the other day and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man frying chips. I asked him "Are you the friar?"
He replied "No, I'm the chip monk..."
Last night my wife asked if I had seen the dog bowl...
I said, "I didn't know he could!"
My wife asked me if I’d seen the dog bowl..
I said “I didn’t know he could.”
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