Bilbo Baggins wakes up suddenly to “Don’t Stop Believing”.
It was an unexpected Journey.
It used to be free to fill up your car tires with air, now it costs $1.25 You know why?
A man came up to me and said "Man, your clothes look gay".
I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".
A little boy ran up to me " please help, my Dad is in a fight " I followed and we came across two men fighting. I said, " Ok, which one is your Dad ? " ..
.. " I dunno, that's what they're fighting about "
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
One day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was a handed a letter and thought to myself..
I told my son, look the church has locked up the door and turned off their lights. He said, what's that got to do with anything? I said well,...
My son has recently taken up an interest in music. We're constantly going back and forth trying to stump the other with trivia. He thought he had me when he chorused, "Hey, dad, what genre are national anthems?!" I laughed, "That's easy!"
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the fuck is my roof ?
I met a girl on Tinder and we were going to go to the gym on our first date, but she stood me up.
I suppose we aren't gonna work out.
When I was growing up, I wanted to become a monk.
I tried to become a stand up comedian, but it turns out that I am more of a "sit down" comedian.
After every joke I told, someone kept yelling "sit down"!
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went
What do you say to a yak when you want it to speed up?
Yakcellerate! (My 5 year old made this up)
The other day I had to climb up some equipment at a cheese making factory.
I thought that it was strong enough to clamber up, but it ended up giving whey.
I use a crow to wake me up in the morning.
A terrorist tried to blow up a bus.....
But he burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe!
So I was at Chili’s the other day and when a waiter came to take our order, I asked him to turn the heat up and when he asked why
I replied it seems a bit chilly in here. I’m now banned at all Chili’s restaurants in the USA
My landlord texted saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied back: “Sure, my door is always open.”
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, but my roommate used the paper to roll up his joint
Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to see again.
A SQL query goes to a restaurant, walks up to 2 tables and says
When I was a kid I thought we’d all grow up to work with horses
All people ever talked about was getting a stable job...
My son never does his laundry so one day I got fed up and told him "If you don't start cleaning your clothes I'm going to leave you all my dirty clothes in my will!"
Sorry, just had to heir my dirty laundry
"Son, do you think we should find an expert to guide us in our trek up Mt. Everest?"
Being able to wake up every morning
Has been a real eye opener for me
Why did the 3 want to hook up with the other 3?
Because of the six appeal.
Came up with this one while writing an Undertale fanfic. What did one flower say to the other?
"You better stop your dandelion, or you'll be the baneberry of my existence!"
The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said...
"...40 second birthday".
I was so proud.
What happened to Guns 'n Roses' tour bus when it got a flat tire and had to be jacked up for repair?
A sausage says to the egg "You know, after they burn us up on that hot pan, they'll stab us with forks and cut us with their sharp knives...
The egg says to the sausage "wow, amazing - a talking sausage!"
My wife is threatening to leave me unless I grow up and stop playing games
Did I tell you guys about the side-hustle plan I came up with? I’m going to do personal training for the band that recorded ‘Lola’ and ‘You Really Got Me’. It’s a good plan...
I just have to work out a few Kinks.
Two thistles are arguing over who has the better yard The one turns to the other and says "your dirt is way too loose, man, look" and yanks him up and out of the ground Second thistle looks up at the first and goes
"I artichoke you for that"
I've been depreased recently, so my wife said she was going to make a selection of Middle Eastern food to help cheer me up.
Instead she just made me falafel.
There's a lot of different ways to depict Jesus, but I always think of him up on the cross
My wife is angry. Last night for my anniversary, I left the kids, snuck out with my ex-girlfriend, and we hooked up in the back seat like we used to.
She hates when I call her that.
The sergeant asked the private to 'stand up straight'.
The private said, "That's a tall order, sir."
Did you know that giraffes can grow up to 18ft?
I must have shown up late to the Kleptomanic Conference.
All the seats were already taken.
Going into the bathroom in the middle of the night trying not to wake up anybody is like a psychiatrist.
While shopping my wife stopped in the make-up section to buy concealer but couldn’t find any.
I now understand why she said it’s the best product on the market.
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing...
But this is as close as I could get.
After being holed up in the house due to Covid, my wife has started having this weird nightmare that our house is made of celery.
Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.
Edit: You folks are way too generous. Thanks a lot.
A man went to the doctor’s and told him, “I feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”
He said, “Wow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”
My son just told me to stop making up things about him.
Which is strange, because I don’t have any kids.
I met a girl on Tinder and we were going to go to the gym on our first date, but she stood me up.
I suppose we aren't gonna work out.
Came up with this one while writing an Undertale fanfic. What did one flower say to the other?
"You better stop your dandelion, or you'll be the baneberry of my existence!"
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