While my kids were colouring with markers I fell asleep on the couch. The little buggers thought it would be funny to draw all over my face to make me look like "the devil". I woke up and went to the grocery store to do our weekly shopping & didn't realise what had happened until I got home.

Boy, was my face red!

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CapnFancyPants
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Disney came up with a Beauty & The Beast remake, but didn't include a princess.

The movie later earned a 'No Belle' prize

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Escalade1414
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
🚨︎ report
So numbers 1 to 9 had a party but 2, 4, 6 & 8 did not turn up

It was an odd party

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/monfools
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2019
🚨︎ report
The fish & chip shop I go to still wraps up their meals in newspaper

Yesterday I got a plaice in The Sun.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Clbull
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2019
🚨︎ report
A man & his son are selling carob on the beach. The man sees pirates coming and quickly packs up. The son asks, "what's wrong".

Dad says, "those are pirates of the carob-eating"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MexElf
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2019
🚨︎ report
TIL: Humans are born with four kidneys

When they grow up, two of them becomes adult knees

πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Not_obnoxious
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
eBay is so useless

I tried to look up lighters and all they had were 13,570 matches

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/puranjay1432
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I was thinking about making a belt out of old wristwatches.

But that would be a waist of time.

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dirty_Entendre
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2018
🚨︎ report
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 5 year old son wasn't actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife is really upset that I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and right.

πŸ‘︎ 15k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/timeforclock
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad joked by an 81-year-old woman

I had an elderly patient today who was visibly upset, almost to the point of tears. I asked her if she was worried about having her blood drawn and she said that the blood draw didn’t bother her, but that she was upset because she had hit a cat with her car on the way to her appointment this morning. She said that she didn’t know who the cat belonged to and that she had it wrapped up in a blanket in her car. I asked her how badly the cat was hurt and she said β€œI think he’s going to be alright. I just clipped the hind end of him, but his tail is just barely hanging on. After I leave here, I’m taking him straight to Wal-Mart.”

I told her that she might be better off taking the cat to a veterinary clinic instead of Wal-Mart and she said, β€œbut it’s just his tail, and Wal-Mart is the largest retailer in North America!”

πŸ‘︎ 447
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Doc_Hooligan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Now that I’m officially a dad I have my first good joke. Me and my wife are driving down the road and a bug splats the window.

I turn to her and say β€œI bet he don’t have the guts to do that again”

Edit: holy shit y’all this blew up. Thank you master dads. I feel worthy

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/johnpowers99
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
🚨︎ report
i’m giving up masturbating for an entire month

sorry, poor punctuation.

i’m giving up! masturbating for an entire month.

πŸ‘︎ 135
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mferrari24
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I am giving up drinking for a month.

Sorry, that came out wrong.

I am giving up. Drinking for a month.

πŸ‘︎ 123
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/trace826621
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree.

The guy behind the counter said to my dad, "Are you going to put it up yourself?".

Dad replied, "Don't be disgusting, I'm going to put it in the living room."

πŸ‘︎ 947
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
🚨︎ report
When the moon hits your eye, Like a big pizza pie, That's amore.

When an eel bites your hand, And that's not what you planned, That's a moray.

When our habits are strange, And our customs deranged, That's our mores.

When your horse munches straw, And the bales total four, That's some more hay.

When Othello's poor wife Becomes stabbed with a knife, That's a Moor, eh?

When a Japanese knight Uses his sword in a fight, That's Samurai.

When your sheep go to graze In a damp marshy place, That's a moor, eh?

When your boat comes home fine And you tie up her line, That's a moor, eh?

When you ace your last tests Like you did all the rest, That's some more "A"s!

In New Zealand you see An aborigine, That's a Maori.

Alley Oop's homeland has A space gun with pizzazz, That's a Moo Ray.

A comedian ham, With the name Amsterdam, That's a Morey.

When your chocolate graham, Is so full and so crammed, That s'more, eh.

When you've had quite enough, Of this dumb rhyming stuff, That's "No more!", eh?

πŸ‘︎ 687
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ComeAbout
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do ducks have feathers??

To cover up their butt qwack

πŸ‘︎ 125
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BigBrothaScott
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
*On a date*

Date: So, what do you do?

Me: * holds up menu * you just pick one from this picture book of meals.

πŸ‘︎ 853
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Niyi_M
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to the garden center today and bought a Christmas Tree.

The assistant asked me, β€œWill you be putting that up yourself?” I replied, β€œNo, I’ll be putting it up in my living room.”

πŸ‘︎ 271
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/forstuvetankel
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My Grandfather survived Pepper spray and Mustard gas attacks in two wars...

... And came home to us a seasoned Veteran.

Edit : To use a war pun.. " Wow, this really blew up " ...Thanks to all for contributing to this bit of fun. I feel like Granddad now with all the medals.

πŸ‘︎ 19k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I became a father today, but no dad jokes are coming to me. I’m pretty bummed.

Luckily the neighbor hit me with a few good jokes as we got home! Cheered me right up!

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Po1sonator
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
🚨︎ report
How many hands am I holding up?

If you ever accidentally smack your kid in the face and they say ow my eyes is blurry, or if they bump their face etc

Say β€œah buddy u ok? Can u see? How many hands am I holding up?

Then proceed to hold up one hand with four fingers.

The kid will most often say 4. Then you make the dad face.

β€œ4 hands!?!? Yah we might have a problem!”

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MuskIsAlien
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can't you trust an atom?

because they make up everything!

πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/1507838Ab
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I like to advertise my homemade fruit preserves at clubs.

Whenever a song comes on, I’ll hold up a jar and say, β€œThis is my jam!”

πŸ‘︎ 62
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter asked how old she will be next month.

My daughter woke me around 11:50pm last night. My wife and I picked her up from her friend Sally’s birthday party, brought her home and put her to bed. My wife went to the bedroom to read and I fell asleep watching basketball.

β€œDaddy”, she whispered tugging my shirt.

β€œGuess how old I’ll be next month?”

β€œI don’t know, honey.” I said as I slipped on my glasses. β€œHow old?”

She smiled and held up 4 fingers.

It’s now 7:30am. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hours. She still refuses to tell us where she got them.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling

Guy:"Whats this about?" Bartender:"Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyones drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it? Guy:"Nah, the steaks are too high."

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Which lawn decorations move around from yard to yard?

Gnomads.

(I'm not a dad but I came up with this one last year and have been dying to share it.)

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BadLuck627
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What kind of habitat does a rabbit live in?

A rabitat.

My six year old just cooked this up; you're welcome.

πŸ‘︎ 86
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sad_muso
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My chiropractor is a funny guy

He cracks me up

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CommanderKooKoo6
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
How does a psychic like their steak?

Medium. I came up with this at work

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Conviction666
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Any of you punsters got a good name for vegan/vietnamese restaurant

Alright so my boss is opening up a sort of delivery only Vietnamese vegan restaurant but we need a catchy name. The other brands we have are mostly sort of fun/hip vibe with puns galore.

We have a 90s hip-hop theme for the main brand with word play on Straight Outta Compton, Biggie Smalls, Tila Tequila and other sort of millennial references in the name of the restaurant and menu items. This one wouldn't need to fit this theme but just to give you an idea of what my bosses are into.

Give me your best πŸ˜‹

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/corianderclub
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Field Dressing

Hey guys, relatively new dad here. Pretty proud of myself because this came naturally. My 7 mo daughter, wife and I were hiking yesterday. My daughter was strapped to the front of me, and she started to stink. We found a field to lay her on her changing mat and change her diaper. She had a complete explosion so it required an outfit change. I looked up at my wife and said β€œlooks like I’ll be performing a field dressing”. Corny af I know, but it made my wife laugh πŸ˜†!

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ty_diesel_
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Duck puns for rubber duck prank

I've purchased a sizable amount of tiny rubber ducks which I plan to duck over my coworker's life with by hiding them around the office. I want to write aquatic fowl related puns on the bottom which can be skewed as compliments(You qauck me up, you're swan in a million, you're egg-stra cool, etc). So bill you help a girl out? What duck puns you got?

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/A_Curious_Coder
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
After the failure of the wii u

Nintendo decided to switch things up

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/theswagdodo11
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
What kind of table is most likely to fall over?

An uns table. (Just made that up)

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
A man walks in to a bar. On the bar is a duck tap dancing on a biscuit tin.

He is amazed and wants to buy the duck. The man refuses at first but eventually agreed. As the man walks out of the bar the now owner of the duck shouts. Excuse me how do i stop the duck tap dancing. Simple says the man lift up the tin and blow out the candle......

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m really bad at math and telling jokes...

...I tried to tell a series of jokes to my friend to see if any would cheer him up. No Pun In Twelve Did.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Training for dad level jokes.

My wife is pregnant with our first child so I'm stepping up my joke game to reach dad level.

Mother's day was not so long ago, and since she isn't a mother yet but only a future mother, I didn't get her flowers I only got her seeds, which are future flowers.

At least I found it hilarious and so did she. Hope you guys enjoy this!

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jackybeau
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
🚨︎ report
My 7yr old son, "Why is seafood called seafood?"

"Because you see the food."

He came up with it all by himself.

Proud.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Findego
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Sorry this isn’t really a joke but I wanted to say thanks

I just wanted to thank everyone here. My mom has been in the hospital with the virus and being able to send her jokes from here has made her laugh (we both really like puns!) so I just wanted to thank y’all for the fun jokes you post. I know it doesn’t seem like much but it has been very nice to be able to share them with her!

Edit: thank you so much for the awards and well wishes! I 100% did not expect this to blow up like it did and I’m so glad for y’all’s support!!

πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
🚨︎ report
At the beach, opposite the life guard, a man sleeps on a towel, adjacent an unopened umbrella.

When he wakes up, he's going to be a tan gent.

πŸ‘︎ 50
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend left a note on my fridge this morning saying "this isn't working, bye"

I opened it up and it was working fine, so I'll just wait till she's home to ask her what she meant.

πŸ‘︎ 90
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/youthfulcomrade
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report
The first annual meeting of camouflage club was a disaster.

It looks like no one showed up.

πŸ‘︎ 77
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Se7enineteen
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you guys hear about the kidnapping at school?

He woke up

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GawdFro
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Did anyone wake up Green Day?

Hi, I was specifically requested on this day, October 1st, to wake up Green Day. Did anyone wake up Green Day?

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Solace_sys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I dont trust stairs

They are always up to something

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xxtttttxx
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I had a dream that I was a muffler

I woke up exhausted

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/deadlyporkchop7
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the Reddit user say after detonating a bomb inside a bank?

EDIT: Wow, this blew up! Thanks for the gold!

πŸ‘︎ 182
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Altus-
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Me: My wife injured herself lifting a brick reservoir above her head three days ago.

Coworker: How is she today?

Me: She's still holding up well.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/haymalb
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
My Dad: Can you tell me a sensible sentence that uses the word 'because', three times, consecutively?

Me: Not today, Dad.

My Dad: Give up. Let me tell you in his glorious beaming pride face

I use because, because, because is a conjunction.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yours_petpeeve
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
A boy knocks his father down the stairs in a freak accident.

The father breaks his neck and dies, leaving his son to mourn for days. However, one night, the boy wakes up to see an apparition of his father before him. All at once, he breaks down crying, and screams out, "I'm sorry!"

His father responds, "Hi Sorry, I'm dead!"

πŸ‘︎ 333
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/aquarian9
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm so ready to be a dad

I really want to have a daughter and name her Zelda.

I imagine, as she gets older she will spend all her time writing sick poetry and rhymes in her journal, growing her hair down to her back, not to spite me, but so she can donate it later, and expand her wit by studying improv comedy through highschool.

As she becomes famous, I hope she will invite me to one of her rap battles and put me in the front row. My heart will grow as she takes the stage, but fatherly intuition tells me something is wrong...Zelda is frozen at the microphone.

I see her up on the stage, eyes alight with fright, hair pulled tight into a bun. She and I lock eyes, a moment of silence passes and serenity slowly enters...THIS is the moment we have been waiting for all our lives.

Looking up calmly, I couldn't be more proud as I exclaim, "Rap puns, Zel. Rap puns, Zel! Let down your hair!"

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ImDyxlesic-
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you say to a police officer when he gets on your boat?

Police put on your life vest!

(This is a joke I made up at the age of 6 while on a boat!)

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NoLoMoXI
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I have to tell someone about this because I'm at home alone with my 2 year old and 11 month old, and they're to young to understand my best dad joke ever.

My 2 year old has cereal in her snack cup and just showed me that there was a piece of cereal in her sleeve. I said, "Looks like you got some tricks up your sleeve." GUESS WHAT KIND OF CEREAL SHE WAS EATING!.....IT WAS TRIX!
Edit: Thanks for my first gold!

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Superj89
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Reddit Obligations:

I don't have any original material at the moment, but the obligations are still there. So I present the following:

How do you get a baby satellite to sleep? You rocket!

Why was Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.

It takes guts to be an organ donor.

Eggs don't tell jokes because they always crack up.

What's a tree's favorite drink? Root beer!

What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Lean beef

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef

What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter, he still won't come

Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bross-Hog
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
🚨︎ report
DadHelp wanted: more variants for "interrupting cow" knock-knock joke to amuse kids

Everyone knows the interrupting cow knock knock joke but we like making up KKJs for other cows. Here are some of ours; please add more so I can continue to surprise and delight the young people near and dear to me. TIA!

(Obviously each joke goes "Knock knock" etc. I'll just write the "cow" part and the punchline)

  • French cow: le moo

  • Backwards cow: oom

  • Upside down cow: woo

  • Sad cow: moo hoo hoo

  • Ghost cow: moo-oo-oo-oooo

  • Police cow: moo ee oo ee oo ee oo

  • Cow on a motorbike: (make zooming moo)

  • Cow in disguise: Baa

  • Horse in disguise: Moo

  • Invisible cow: (quickly cover child's eyes) Moo

  • Inaudible cow:

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/A2S2020
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
A man goes for a prostate exam.

The doctor is checking him out when he finds a roll of $100 bills stuffed up his ass. He pulls out the money and counts it.

β€œYou’re not gonna believe this, but I just found $1900 shoved up your ass!”

The man says, β€œWell that makes sense. That’s why I haven’t been feeling too grand.”

πŸ‘︎ 848
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/engineer_of_sorts
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the horses business doing so well?

β€œBecause it has a stabled economy.”

My 10yo daughter just came up to me with this after sitting there stewing about my previous joke.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fracken_a
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
How do most Muslims like their eggs?

Sunni side up.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ZeldaFan158
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to fear giants.

Now I look up to them.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rickno1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
A true story

So, I’m standing outside my office building with my older, wiser coworker, when he points up at a flock of geese flying in a V.

Me: [looks at the geese coworker is pointing to]

Coworker: β€œyou notice how one side of the V is longer than the other?”

Me: β€œyeah”

Coworker: β€œdo you know why that is?”

Me: β€œhmm... no”

Coworker: β€œthere’s more birds on that side”

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sensitive-Bear
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I found a good IKEA joke the other day.

But it needs a bit of a set up.

πŸ‘︎ 168
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mpschmidtlein
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
When I’m fixing an outlet and I get shocked

I just socket up

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CreepOut75
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
A police officer, notorious for bad spelling, is set to interrogate three theives, Tim, Bob, and Joe.

When asked who he thinks will give up the location stolen goods, he replys β€œOnly Time will tell”

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/StefanE30325i
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
A platypus walks into a restaurant owned by a duck.

He finishes his meal and goes up to pay for it.

Duck billed platypus.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tobias_drundridge
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad Tells Time With His Hat

My dad worked in construction for most of his life, and because he worked with his hands, he sacrificed many watches. But if you don't have a watch, how are you to tell time? My dad has a great sense of humor and is always thinking of new ways to do things to make them more practical or thinking of ways to change things to make them work better for him. So after spending way too much money on a heavy duty watch that inevitably broke on him, he came up with a better solution.

He used the working part of a clock and stuck it on the inside rim of his hat, so if he wanted to know what the time was, he just had to look up. Simple. And the way his hat was, you couldn't see the clock when looking at him unless you were underneath him and looking up.

And then came the funny part. Every time he was asked what time it was, he would look up at the sun, scan the horizon, pretend to do a math equation in his head, and tell them the exact time down to the minute. I've witnessed him doing this a few times but never gave it away. The look of surprise and confusion this gave people was priceless.

My dad had done other funny things like this, but this was by far the funniest.

πŸ‘︎ 80
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fredzred
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My five year old daughter, wearing a Sleeping Beauty dress, casually playing with Legos: "ROAR ROAR ROARRRR!"

Me: "Are you roaring at me or is that a Lego monster?"

Her: "Its me."

Me: "Why are you roaring at me?"

Her: "Because I'm Aurora!"

My five year old daughter, everyone. She came up with that on her own. I've never felt more proud!

πŸ‘︎ 173
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/someredditorguy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
The Monk and The Cow

A monk sits at the peak of a hill that overlooks where the grassy Earth meets a river, the river flows with a breeze, and the breeze explores a mountain range, and the mountains neighbor the sky, and the sky conceals the entire universe, hiding the unknown in plain sight. The monk exhales "Ooooomm". He repeats this until a noise, very faint, breaks his chant.

"moo."

The monk stops for a moment but, without changing his position, dismisses it. "Ooooooommm." He begins again.

He's interrupted again, "moooo."

The monk turns to find a cow looking up at him from the bottom of the hill. "Kind cow," the monk says, "please do not interrupt my meditation."

The cow stares blankly back at the monk. The monk sighs and continues.

"Oooooommmm-"

Even louder, "Mmmooooooooo."

"Dear cow, I must reach enlightenment. Please, refrain from making your cow noises or find another hill."

The monk continues again, "Oooooooommmm-"

"MMMmmoooooooooooO!" The cow exclaims.

The monk stands up angrily, "Cow! Why must you interrupt my chanting?"

The cow replies, "Because you're saying it backwards!"

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/baconbuddy95
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Well I'm going to bed

Someone wake me up when September ends

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/subzeroab0
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I got some devastating news from the hospital today. My dad was pronounced dead.

I can’t believe I’ve been pronouncing it wrong all this time.

Edit: this joke was straight up stolen from professional comedian Nick Nemeroff. I heard it on the radio so I didn’t have his name handy and thought it was awesome for this sub and had to post it before I forgot it. Thanks to Nick for commenting here below so that I could give him credit.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VeryLastBison
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the spice shop go out of business?

They just couldn’t keep up with the thymes.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FangsofOrcrist
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the tomato cross the road?

To ketch-up

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vissthebeast
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I have this disease where I can’t stop signaling to planes for help.

The doctor told me my symptoms are flaring up.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do scuba divers dive backwards?

Because if they did forward, they'd end up in the boat.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/raaalphs
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad Jokes

It was a brisk Saturday morning when Gerald arrived at β€œThe CafΓ©,” a hip coffee shop right down the street. Wearing his large, burly black coat, he stared hesitantly at his watch. Thick glasses adorned his bright blue eyes, his gaze like starlight in a clear night sky. He was waiting, intently twiddling his thumbs. After a buzz of his phone, the message from Dad popped up: β€œParking now, be there in 5.”

β€œDad,” he whispered under his breath, swiping the message away to once again reveal the image on his lock-screen: a hazy picture of an ultrasound.

Gerald had not spoken to his father for three years. They had had a falling out, over which he did not remember. To him it was a competition of who could wait the longest without calling or sending a text. Who could wait the longest: him without a father, or his father without a son? The idea of friction in the relationship hurt like a thorn; piercing his soul more and more everyday. Until recently, out of the blue, β€œDad” popped up on his phone. The rest is history. The rest leads to that Saturday morning, at The CafΓ©.

Bang! A car door rang out not too far from where Gerald stood. Gerald saw him. His father wore his tweed jacket like a coat of armor. His strut was now weaker than before they stopped talking; a weakness evident in his cane which supported every right step. His shortly trimmed white beard juxtaposed against his uncut, curly grey hair gave him the image of a wise wizard from a fairytale. He used to be that figure to Gerald, yet instead of a nice ancient being acting like a stone to keep him grounded, Gerald had felt as though his father was a rock pulling him deeper and deeper into a sea of monotony. Holding him back from his true potential. Maybe that was why he left? He still did not know.

β€œHello, son,” came the withered voice Gerald had sook for so long, yet now that it had arrived wanted to avoid. β€œI can’t believe it’s been so long!”

β€œYeah,” said Gerald, allowing a smile to grace his face. β€œToo long!”

Then they hugged, signifying a change in their relationship. Gerald had hoped something could happen to bring them closer together. He did not want to go on wondering what could have been. The regret and sadness weighed him down. Before starting a new family, Gerald wanted to be reacquainted with his own.

After finding their table and sitting down, the two began to discuss life. It was like old friends catching up after a long break. Although it took some time, Gerald began to warm u

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sullyrr
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I ordered the pasta at work today for lunch.

But then I realized I wasn't that hungry, so I boxed it up to take home and eat later.

Because a pennΓ© saved is a pennΓ© earned.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DeatHTaXx
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to know a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac.

He would be up all night wondering if there really was a dog.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AndrewMacSydney
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What makes posters and planets similar?

They both take up space

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ConorCannot
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Painting my ceiling isn't exactly #1 on my priority list.

But it's up there.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the Jedi get injured while running?

Luke warmed up.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shouldExist
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
how do we know early man was nomadic?

they were meander-thals. came up with it at work today. full disclosure: not a dad, but i'll be an uncle soon.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/steve0suprem0
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.

That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cryingcactuso
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Taylor Swift is not what she seems

I sent her my trousers to be taken up by 4 inches over 3 months ago

and I still haven't had them back!

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Goldygold2
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife is mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and right

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kiwiboy0419
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I don't trust stairs

They are always UP to something.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BloodySky2750
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Why shouldn't you trust atoms?

Because they make up everything

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LiquidGlo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you here about the kidnapping in school?

Nevermind he woke up.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lostknight5
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
You should never trust atoms

They make up everything

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BloodDReaper
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My chiropractor is a funny guy

He cracks me up

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CommanderKooKoo6
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can't you trust an atom?

Because they make up everything.

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jackmammu
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.