Got my sisters whole family with my dumb owl joke, with a bonus follow up groaner
Me: I don't wanna alarm anyone, but I think someone in this room might be an owl.
Sisters kids: Who? WHO?
Me: gasp OH NO IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!
cue 2 hours of 4 small kids running around the house like nutcases screaming who at each other
Sister: You don't get to tell my kids dad jokes anymore. You're not even a dad
Me: I'm a faux pas
This is my best pick-up line
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it roll up a joint.
Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"
"For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"
When I was a kid I thought we’d all grow up to work with horses
All people ever talked about was getting a stable job...
My son kept chewing on all the electrical chords we had set up for the holidays, so I grounded him...
He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly...
Just signed up for my company’s 401k!
I’m kinda nervous though...I’ve never ran that far before.
My landlord texted saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied back: “Sure, my door is always open.”
What does a presidential candidate who cant get his votes up suffer from?
I considered giving up my honey business and joining a cult
But I'm just not a bee leaver.
Edit: Thank you for the award, friend!!!!
My girlfriend broke up with me when she walked in on me making out with my personal trainer
She said "This isn't working out."
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity
So I took it back to the store and they gave me another one free of charge.
The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said...
"...40 second birthday".
I was so proud.
Bilbo Baggins suddenly wakes up and hears someone singing “Don’t stop Believing”.
It was an unexpected Journey.
A man woke up in the hospital after a serious accident, the man yelled "DOCTOR! DOCTOR, I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!"
The doctor then replied "i know, i amputated your arms."
My vet picked up my dog, looked at him and confirmed that he was cross-eyed and that he had to be put down.
Confused and upset, I asked why.
The vet advised he was too heavy to hold any longer.
I was tasked to come up with a great pun for a new launch of Microsoft Office, I thought I’d come up with a great one.
But my publisher told me that word games are not what I excel at.
Rudolph the red and his wife were on a stroll. Rudolph the red looked up at the sky and said "we should hurry up, there is a storm comming". So his wife asked "how do u know" and he replied...
"Rudolph the red knows rain dear"
What was the cannibal given after he showed up late to the dinner party?
Remember to lift your left leg up off the ground during the New Years countdown
So you can start the New Year off on the right foot
Edit: Thanks for the silver
[At dinner] Her: I think we need to break up. For starters, I’m sick of your awful jokes at the worst times.
Me: Ok, and for the main course?
Her: Honey can you pick up some milk
Him:* lifts gallon * done
Her: no from the store
Him: I imagine it weighs the same there too
I was told to come up with a pun about my surroundings...
I was sitting down, so all the puns I thought of were chairrible
What do you call 2 guys tied up and stuck in a window?
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
“Because they have no balls to scratch”
How does a baby look something up?
They "Goo Goo" it.
[This joke provided courtesy of my seven-year old.]
I enjoyed hiking up mountains, until I arrived at the top.
From there, it's all downhill.
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
Did you hear about the fish who grew up to be a doctor?
After being holed up in the house due to Covid, my wife has started having this weird nightmare that our house is made of celery.
Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.
Edit: You folks are way too generous. Thanks a lot.
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun was,
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.
I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Make sure that your left leg is up before the clock hits midnight tomorrow.
That way you start 2021 on the right foot.
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months.
The woman asked the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, you're brother named them for you.
Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?
Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.
I come up with a really lame two word gay joke the other day that i was afraid my gay mate might find offensive
My wife and I were woken up at 3am by loud banging on our door. I got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" I screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...
"Who was that?" asked my wife.
"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.
"Did you help him?" she asked.
"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"
"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"
She had a point, and angrily, I got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes."
"Do you still need a push?"
"Yes please."
"Where are you?"
"Over here...on the swing."
Back in my day, we used to cough to cover up a fart.
But nowadays, with Covid, you fart to cover up a cough.
I pine fir the good oak days, when it was poplar to spruce up the living room with a real tree.
I heard Ian McKellan, Ian McDiarmid, and Ian Holm are teaming up to defend the Milky Way.
They’re calling themselves the Guard-Ians of the Galaxy.
Had an unexpected delivery turn up at our house earlier, 2700 bananas.
Tonight, we eat like kongs.
Want people to show up? Bring food.
I woke up with semen on my face..
I don’t know what came over me
I'm trying to start up my own business, recycling discarded chewing gum.
Just need help getting it off the ground.
When it comes to decorating the Christmas tree, I've got a leg up on the competition. My cat says I passed out under the tree again, but I told her to stop pulling my leg.
Here’s a little early access to a pun I made. I’m not sure if this joke has been said before but I hope not. I love making up puns
I bought a roll on deodorant, the instructions said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I walk kinda funny now but my farts smell great!
The new Lego store recently opened up
People lined up for blocks
A crow invited his buddies over to hang out but they didn’t show up.
He was charged with attempted murder.
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