I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it roll up a joint.
Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
Why can't the bike ever get up on time?
My son kept chewing on all the electrical chords we had set up for the holidays, so I grounded him...
He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly...
The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said...
"...40 second birthday".
I was so proud.
Tae Kwon Donkey (The Ass that kicks back) And Crab Maga (The Krav Maga crab that doesn’t just talk crab, he backs it up). Figured this community of punsters would appreciate the universe we are creating on Patreon.
reddit.com/gallery/lgzbtq
Rudolph the red and his wife were on a stroll. Rudolph the red looked up at the sky and said "we should hurry up, there is a storm comming". So his wife asked "how do u know" and he replied...
"Rudolph the red knows rain dear"
I was part of a class and i total , we were 100 students. I walked up to the front of the class , and wrote :"balloons" on the white board. So...
The other 99 read balloons.
Honest LPT: I got embarrassed the other day, and want to help other people avoid making my mistake. Now this might seem counterintuitive, but if you come up with a good dad joke MEMORIZD it and NEVER write it down. Because the moment you put it on paper...
My brother and I both picked up bottles of mouthwash on the same grocery trip...
I guess you could say we really got our Acts together.
2 drunk guys getting into a fight. One gets up and draws a line on the ground. He says "you cross this line and I'll punch you in the face".
That was the punchline...
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
On the way to the therapist, I told my wife, “You are going to bring up my obsession with predicting the future, aren’t you?”
She said, “Yeah.”
I said, “I knew it!”
When it comes to decorating the Christmas tree, I've got a leg up on the competition. My cat says I passed out under the tree again, but I told her to stop pulling my leg.
My wife and I were woken up at 3am by loud banging on our door. I got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" I screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...
"Who was that?" asked my wife.
"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.
"Did you help him?" she asked.
"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"
"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"
She had a point, and angrily, I got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes."
"Do you still need a push?"
"Yes please."
"Where are you?"
"Over here...on the swing."
I bought a roll on deodorant, the instructions said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I walk kinda funny now but my farts smell great!
I once dated two girls called Edith and Kate. Kate found out and told Edith that I was dating both of them at the same time. They both broke up with me on the very same day!
Moral of the story is you can’t have your Kate and Edith too
Did you hear about the artist who gave up on his uncompleted drawing after accidentally breaking his pencil?
Apparently, there was no point to continue drawing the picture
What washes up on the shores of small beaches?
From my 70 year old dad: I hung up a map of the US in the kitchen and gave my wife a dart. I told her we would go on a two week vacation wherever she stuck the dart.
Looks like we’ll be spending two weeks behind the fridge.
While the rest of the world were stocking up on toiletpaper, the germans were stocking up on sausages and cheese
They were preparing for a wurst käse scenario
A man recently ran up to me announcing that he was a primary color, then instructed me to perform a modern dance trend on the fourth letter of the alphabet and food coloring.
He said "I'm blue, dab a D, dab a dye".
If you sign up for an economics class, you should bring some spoiled milk on the first day.
They’re a big fan of gross domestic products.
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
So proud of my 6 year old. While teaching her to hit a softball, I told her to “square up on the ball”
She replied “the ball is round daddy” (with a straight face) So I tell her “no, what I mean is, get mad! I want you to hit the ball really hard like if you were mad at it!”
She grabs the ball, stares right at it and says “I’M REALLY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU, BALL!” Then throws it right back at me.
Proud dad moment.
2 pebbles washes up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
The cows on my dairy farm have all decided to form a new financial vehicle made up of a pool of money collected from many cows to invest in securities...
I bought a massive Christmas tree at the weekend. The guy in the store asked "Are you planning on putting it up yourself?"
I said "Nah, I'll probably just put it up in the living room"
I found a load of batteries washed up on the beach.
I was collecting C Cells on the sea shore.
I accidentally stepped on my cats tail. The cat jumped, and I ended up kicking the table pretty hard. “Ouch!” I yelled
“YOU, ow?” The cat replied in disbelief.
“ME-ow”
Due to COVID-19, the German government is advising that people stock up on sausages and cheese.
They are preparing for a wurst käse scenario.
I finally came up with a plan to get rid of the ice on my driveway
I have it all thawed out.
For the past few days, I wake up to see someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch.
I don’t know what to make of it.
The lift is from a company named Schindler...so it’s Schindler’s Lift...is this set up as pun on the classic film Schindler’s List? My head is spinning
There's a new show on BBC where heroin junkies can determine via experts, how much money they've shot up over the years.
It's called,Cash in the Addict.
The police show up on a crime scene
They walk in and see a man standing over a body with a broken neck. So they take the man into questioning and ask him why he did it, the man said
“It was a snap decision”
What did Jesus say to Peter when he was put up on the Cross?
Yo, I can see your house from up here
The German government is calling for everybody to stock up on sausage and cheese in case of a second lockdown.
It's the Wurst-käse-scenario
I did a good deed today by giving up my seat on the bus to an elderly lady...
How was I supposed to know she’d never driven a bus before?
I made up a joke so get ready to hate on me. Trump (I know it's topical).... Trump was nervous during the election and was asked "hey, do you want some spiced tea"?
My wife broke up with me at the star wars celebration. An anakin cosplayer came up to me, put his hand on my shoulder, and said...
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards.
I'm sure that must have been a record.
What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision?
Two ninjas are sneaking up on their target when one of the ninjas asks the other: "do you think you can hit him from here?" and the ninja says:
When I came home today my wife had some Little Debbie Zerbra Cakes on the counter. I pick one up and say "A Zebra Cake?"
"Don't mind if I Zoo."
She just gave me a glare and went back to what she was doing.
Totally worth it.
I’m very proud of this dad joke my daughter just came up with on the spot
Her: What is this little USB thing? Is this a juul charger?
Me: No, I think it’s an adapter for the Steam controller.
Her: Well, a juul is kind of like a steam controller.
I was in town earlier on looking for some fly killer. I picked up a can and asked the young store assistant "Excuse me, is this any good for wasps?"
"No" he said, "It kills them"
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
