My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
π︎ 259
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︎ Mar 24 2021
One day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was a handed a letter and thought to myself..
π︎ 355
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︎ Mar 10 2021
I exercise by running up the street and knocking on all the doors....
π︎ 174
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︎ Mar 18 2021
I met a girl on Tinder and we were going to go to the gym on our first date, but she stood me up.
I suppose we aren't gonna work out.
π︎ 76
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︎ Mar 22 2021
I came up with the top ten reasons you shouldn't pee on an electric fence...
π︎ 94
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︎ Mar 18 2021
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it roll up a joint.
Now heβs high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
π︎ 20k
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︎ Dec 03 2020
My 5yo blew us away with this original that he came up with all on his own. What do you call two ice dragons?
Twice dragons.
Update: honestly thank you everyone, you guys are totally making this kids day! Distance learning in kindergarten has been rough and he misses seeing his friends pretty hard, so when I told him about this (I was able to use βWreck-It Ralph : Ralph breaks the Internetβ and buzz tube with likes/hearts as a reference) heβs been smiling from ear to ear nonstop since! A million thankyouβs for the kind words and awards.
π︎ 301
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︎ Feb 01 2021
Why can't the bike ever get up on time?
π︎ 24
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︎ Feb 18 2021
The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said...
"...40 second birthday".
I was so proud.
π︎ 32k
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︎ Sep 22 2020
A sausage says to the egg "You know, after they burn us up on that hot pan, they'll stab us with forks and cut us with their sharp knives...
The egg says to the sausage "wow, amazing - a talking sausage!"
π︎ 11
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︎ Mar 20 2021
My son kept chewing on all the electrical chords we had set up for the holidays, so I grounded him...
He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly...
π︎ 116
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︎ Jan 15 2021
Someone knocked on my door dressed up as Gloria Gaynor.
At first I was afraid; I was petrified.
π︎ 3
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︎ Mar 12 2021
There's a lot of different ways to depict Jesus, but I always think of him up on the cross
π︎ 8
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︎ Mar 08 2021
Rudolph the red and his wife were on a stroll. Rudolph the red looked up at the sky and said "we should hurry up, there is a storm comming". So his wife asked "how do u know" and he replied...
"Rudolph the red knows rain dear"
π︎ 9k
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︎ Oct 09 2020
I was very poor growing up. On my 10th birthday we bought half a cake with 5 candles.
We put it against a mirror.
π︎ 7
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︎ Mar 14 2021
Thereβs two old men sitting on their front porch when a dog comes up and starts licking itβs junk
One of the old men goes, man I wish I could do that.
The other says, you canβt do that. That dogβll bite you.
π︎ 54
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︎ Jan 31 2021
Pork factories keep calling me and I keep hanging up on them.
π︎ 34
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︎ Feb 03 2021
Tae Kwon Donkey (The Ass that kicks back) And Crab Maga (The Krav Maga crab that doesnβt just talk crab, he backs it up). Figured this community of punsters would appreciate the universe we are creating on Patreon.
reddit.com/gallery/lgzbtq
π︎ 7
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︎ Feb 10 2021
Why is it better to screw up on a road you paved than on one someone else paved?
Because it's your own asphalt.
π︎ 15
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︎ Feb 25 2021
My girlfriend broke up with me when she walked in on me making out with my personal trainer
She said "This isn't working out."
π︎ 65
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︎ Jan 14 2021
Honest LPT: I got embarrassed the other day, and want to help other people avoid making my mistake. Now this might seem counterintuitive, but if you come up with a good dad joke MEMORIZD it and NEVER write it down. Because the moment you put it on paper...
π︎ 38
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︎ Jan 26 2021
I was part of a class and i total , we were 100 students. I walked up to the front of the class , and wrote :"balloons" on the white board. So...
The other 99 read balloons.
π︎ 15
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︎ Feb 20 2021
I grew up on a street with a lot of friction
You could call it a rough neighborhood
π︎ 25
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︎ Jan 30 2021
My brother and I both picked up bottles of mouthwash on the same grocery trip...
I guess you could say we really got our Acts together.
π︎ 2
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︎ Feb 26 2021
2 drunk guys getting into a fight. One gets up and draws a line on the ground. He says "you cross this line and I'll punch you in the face".
That was the punchline...
π︎ 41
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︎ Feb 05 2021
On the way to the therapist, I told my wife, βYou are going to bring up my obsession with predicting the future, arenβt you?β
She said, βYeah.β
I said, βI knew it!β
π︎ 61
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︎ Jan 27 2021
When it comes to decorating the Christmas tree, I've got a leg up on the competition. My cat says I passed out under the tree again, but I told her to stop pulling my leg.
π︎ 50
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︎ Dec 28 2020
My wife and I were woken up at 3am by loud banging on our door. I got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" I screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...
"Who was that?" asked my wife.
"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.
"Did you help him?" she asked.
"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"
"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"
She had a point, and angrily, I got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes."
"Do you still need a push?"
"Yes please."
"Where are you?"
"Over here...on the swing."
π︎ 64
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︎ Jan 08 2021
I bought a roll on deodorant, the instructions said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I walk kinda funny now but my farts smell great!
π︎ 43
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︎ Jan 02 2021
I woke up with semen on my face..
I donβt know what came over me
π︎ 19
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︎ Jan 15 2021
What washes up on the shores of small beaches?
π︎ 253
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︎ Nov 08 2020
I once dated two girls called Edith and Kate. Kate found out and told Edith that I was dating both of them at the same time. They both broke up with me on the very same day!
Moral of the story is you canβt have your Kate and Edith too
π︎ 38
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︎ Dec 23 2020
From my 70 year old dad: I hung up a map of the US in the kitchen and gave my wife a dart. I told her we would go on a two week vacation wherever she stuck the dart.
Looks like weβll be spending two weeks behind the fridge.
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︎ Dec 13 2020
If you sign up for an economics class, you should bring some spoiled milk on the first day.
Theyβre a big fan of gross domestic products.
π︎ 9
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︎ Dec 06 2020
While the rest of the world were stocking up on toiletpaper, the germans were stocking up on sausages and cheese
They were preparing for a wurst kΓ€se scenario
π︎ 33
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︎ Dec 26 2020
Did you hear about the artist who gave up on his uncompleted drawing after accidentally breaking his pencil?
Apparently, there was no point to continue drawing the picture
π︎ 6
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︎ Jan 28 2021
A man recently ran up to me announcing that he was a primary color, then instructed me to perform a modern dance trend on the fourth letter of the alphabet and food coloring.
He said "I'm blue, dab a D, dab a dye".
π︎ 6
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︎ Jan 14 2021
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
π︎ 17k
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︎ May 06 2020
I feel kinda stupid and kinda proud for coming up with this (drawing on a phone is hard)
π︎ 207
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︎ Sep 24 2020
So proud of my 6 year old. While teaching her to hit a softball, I told her to βsquare up on the ballβ
She replied βthe ball is round daddyβ (with a straight face) So I tell her βno, what I mean is, get mad! I want you to hit the ball really hard like if you were mad at it!β
She grabs the ball, stares right at it and says βIβM REALLY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU, BALL!β Then throws it right back at me.
Proud dad moment.
π︎ 12k
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︎ Jun 23 2020
A Harper Lee novel on trial refused to open up about their case case, but was still judged by it's cover.
Moral of the story... Don't kill animals.
Edit: remove one case
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︎ Jan 19 2021
If there is one genre of music that raises me up on some days and gets me down other days
π︎ 41
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︎ Nov 14 2020
I posted this on r/memes a while ago and it didn't blow up or somthing. I am just so proud of this it makes me laugh every time
π︎ 26
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︎ Nov 02 2020
A woman walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat?"
The librarian replies, "It rings a bell, but I don't know if it's here or not."
π︎ 258
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︎ Sep 20 2020
I met a girl on Tinder and we were going to go to the gym on our first date, but she stood me up.
I suppose we aren't gonna work out.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Mar 22 2021
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
π︎ 176
π
︎ Dec 18 2020
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
π︎ 18k
π
︎ Jun 22 2020
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