They actually make me money, some would say I’m an entre-pun-eur.
Than Soviet
"The trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter!"
I wonder what she’s up to now.
Thats how i lost my job as a bus driver
Turns out I can’t focus!
It was an unexpected Journey.
stair lifts
A maybe....
Courtesy of my 5 y/o daughter.
After 3 mins all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence
I think she is in love with me.
Inflation
I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".
.. " I dunno, that's what they're fighting about "
He tells the host he has come dressed as a snail.
"But who's the woman?" The host asks, confused.
"Oh, This is Michelle"
This was my 6 year old cousins favourite joke for a while and it still cracks me up especially given the concerned looks the adults share when the joke starts
Almost nothing wood work.
Me: I don't wanna alarm anyone, but I think someone in this room might be an owl.
Sisters kids: Who? WHO?
Me: gasp OH NO IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!
cue 2 hours of 4 small kids running around the house like nutcases screaming who at each other
Sister: You don't get to tell my kids dad jokes anymore. You're not even a dad Me: I'm a faux pas
"A TOE TRUCK!!??"
..this isn't for me.
You Dont Know How It Peels
That's when I knew that we weren't going to work out.
to file a complaint about the location of the well.
It's pastor bedtime
"Cash or charge?"
The duck replies, "Nah....Just put it on my bill!"
"Country!"
A lighthouse
From my 7 year old.
I know he means well.
A boom box
They always wanted a father figure.
Most only grow two.
Jehovah's Fitness.
It's not like he can talk back to me.
...she was an LPN.
We had a Don't Bother Checking account.
My first pet only had 3 legs, and it was a centipede.
Mom had one bra, and it was a lease.
For breakfast we ate Lieutenant Crunch.
My first spoon was monogrammed though ("1/2 TSP").
We were too poor to even say "awesome." We had to say "awefew."
We sat at the campfire and made S'Lesses.
My pillow only had one side.
Repossession was 9/10 of the law.
Five kids had to share one shoelace, and instead of toenails we grew toe staples.
Our scotch tape was scots-irish.
(I'm allowed)
My first shower came with sound effects and a lightshow.
One year Santa had to bring stockings.
The next year he filled them with nooses.
I did have a jumprope with a rattle on the end. And fangs on the other.
Other kids hunted eggs for Easter but we just died.
Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
Where the fuck is my roof ?
"Satisfaction Guaranteed....Or Your Mummy Back."
I suppose we aren't gonna work out.
It was a millennial falcon.
All I can think of/find is shrek jokes and "The owner/Fiona" puns. It would be great if you guys can help.
