My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
I liked this a little too much, had to steel it.
I was told I second guess myself too much..
My grandpa said that we youngsters rely on technology too much.
I replied "no, you do" and unplugged his life support.
I got pulled over while driving because I was weaving too much.
I told the cop it’s my first time knitting, so I’m pretty slow at it.
My wife told me, “Don’t stress out too much because your friends call you fat..”
...”You’re much bigger than that.”
How does a crab feel when it eats too much?
How much is too much HD?
80 HD, too much or too little focus
For those who read too much
If you’re trying to say a word that you’ve only ever seen in print, you’re speaking hyphonetically.
It's tough to admit that I'm using too much weight on my bench press.
I'm having a hard time getting this off my chest.
Not my joke but I love this too much not to share
Shout out to anyone who doesn't know what the opposite of in is
I gain too much weight around the holidays
I need to stop eating cold turkey
A guy died from laughing too much.
It was a manslaughter.
Edit: Whoa, thanks for 250 upvotes!
Edit 2: 500 upvotes for a dad joke I made up on the fly? Thanks so much to everyone!
What do you call the court jester who ate too much at the king's banquet?
Which nut sneezes too much?
Did you know that having too much sex causes memory loss?
Or at least that what page 137 figure II part B of my middle school science textbook said.
If you slide around too much on the toilet seat
You might get a turd degree burn.
Took way too much time to draw
Last St. Patrick's Day I went out drinking, had a bit too much so I took a bus home.
That may be no big deal to you, but I'd never driven a bus before.
My dog snores too much...
I'm getting it a CPUP machine
I once got severe pain in my head from inhaling too much of steam.
What do you call a dinosaur with too much power?
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when I got it there was too much milk and not enough coffee
Better latte than never I suppose
What happens when you eat too much alphabet soup?
You have a vowel movement.
I got a new sweater for Christmas, but it was picking up too much static electricity
I returned it for a new one, free of charge
My son’s back is developing a hunch from sitting too much in front of the pc, so our doctor recommended that he wear an othopedic corset.
I call it the heir straightener.
What do you call someone who drinks too much water?
I don’t know too much about brooms,
I guess I should brush up on my knowledge.
I had $1,000 extra in my pay last month, this month I was $1,000 short. When I reported it to payroll they asked me why I didn't say anything when I got paid too much.
I told them, I'll tolerate one mistake but not two.
I took a bite of a jalapeno that was much too spicy for me
Some might say I was in - hella-pain-yo
Too much thyme on my hands
While I was grilling, my son asked "can I get pickles on my burger, If it's not too much to ask?"
What happens when you eat too much seafood?
You begin to feel a little eel.
Too much laxative is bad for you
It causes high mud pressure.
My wife doesn't talk too much, but she LOVES to chat, so I'm joining a support group for compulsive talkers:
I didn't like my beard too much before
But now it's starting to really grow on me.
My wife keeps telling me I listen to too much Milli Vanilli.
What do you call a dinosaur that’s does too much CrossFit ?
A MegaSOREus Rex !
My daughter hit me with this one this am on the way to school !
The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
I saw a strange picket line on the way home today. The workers were carrying signs saying "WE MAKE TOO MUCH MONEY”
Then I noticed they were outside the mint.
My wife told me I won’t advance in my career because I procrastinate too much.
I said, “Oh yeah? Just you wait.”
Spanish Satan ate too much sugar
I recently failed my “Women in Saudi Arabia” class because there was too much material.
The course covered everything.
I ate too much today and i feel constipated.
It was a pain in the ass.
My parents always told me that if I watched too much TV then I would get square eyes?
But wouldn't that just make my vision sharper?
Eating too much cake is gluttony, but eating too much pie isn’t a sin.
Because sin pi is always zero.
Did you hear about the Romanian man who died from reading too much? He couldnt give his Bucharest
I’d like to lose some weight but I’ve got too much on my plate.
My wife thinks I'm taking too much time mowing the lawn
She said: "Stop beating around the bush and get to it!"
I enjoyed this way too much (all credit to u/destinybladez)
My dad said I’d get osteoporosis if I drank too much coffee
I raised my fourth cup and said “Bone atrophy!”
My main problem is that I second guess myself way too much.
Did you hear about the chicken that sniffed too much curry powder?
He got so ill he fell into a korma!
How did the man feel when he put too much sauce on his rice?
What do you call the noise people make when they talk too much.
I ate too much alphabet soup
Now I’m sitting on the toilet with a massive vowel movement....
My dad drinks too much at parties and starts yelling racial epithets and my mom rushes to get him to go home...
She knows it's time to leave when he starts slurring his words.
Whoever figured out the 'days of the month correspond with your knuckles' thing had too much time on their hands
I’ve been sitting around too much. I guess I’ll have to
My wife keeps taking way too much time cleaning my ties
She needs a lesson in tie management
I accidentally used too much of my wife’s moisturizer while getting ready for work.
Now I might have to call in slick.
I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning.
So I called in slick for work today.
Too much violins in video games
I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games...
I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
What do you say to someone who have drunk way too much energy drink?
The NFL discovered a way to tell if a quarterback has consumed too much alcohol.
What do you call pancakes that got too much sun?
I ate too much alphabet soup last night
My next vowel movement could spell disaster
Paw Patrol sounds too much like papa troll for it not to be a dad joke
My Grandpa always tells me that my generation relies too much on technology...
So I said, “No u!” And unplugged his life support
My wife warned me not to add too much flour, but I don't mind a little more.
Bready or not, here I dough.
My students spent too much time looking at the clock yesterday, so I put it face down this morning. When the students asked where my clock went, I responded " you guys stared it down yesterday..." 5 seconds later chuckles started popcorning throughout the room.
At a restaurant and this wooden door by the cashier was swinging out too much. Stuck my arm out and let it bump into me to stop it before it hits others. Female staff, maybe the one who accidentally let the door swing, noticed, caught the door and apologised with a nice smile.
Can't believe I let myself get hit on by someone so adoorable
My Dad always warned me you can go blind from drinking too much tea.
But only if you leave the spoon in the cup.
I might be reading too much into it
What happens when you add too much of salt in tea?
What happens when you add too much of salt in tea?
It becomes salt_tea
Way too much time on his hands
I got a new sweater for Christmas, but it was picking up too much static electricity
I exchanged it for a new one, free of charge
My wife said that I won’t advance in my career because I procrastinate too much.
I said, “Oh yeah? Just you wait.”
My wife said that I act like a detective too much and that she wants to split up.
I told her good idea, we can cover more ground that way.
The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
My wife thinks I won’t advance in my career because I procrastinate too much.
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