The mayor in my city just passed law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week
Well itโs not a law itโs a mandate
๐︎ 14k
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︎ Nov 20 2020
How can I get someone to hang out with me, laugh at each otherโs jokes, and maybe share some fun platonic experiences together throughout our lives?
๐︎ 623
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︎ Dec 21 2020
I donโt mean to brag, but I just put a puzzle together in 1 day...
and the box said 2-4 years!
๐︎ 9k
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︎ Oct 24 2020
Lettuce come together
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︎ Dec 13 2020
A pediatric surgeon sewed his kids together as a new form of punishment.
If you canโt beat โem, join โem.
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︎ Jan 03 2021
Pre- means before. Post- means after. To use both prefixes together,
๐︎ 17k
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︎ Sep 19 2020
Last night I accidentally superglued my thumb and forefinger together...
But donโt worry...it will be ok. ๐๐ป
๐︎ 537
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︎ Nov 14 2020
What kind of glue can you use to hold ice blocks together?
๐︎ 62
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︎ Dec 20 2020
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure theyโre the same..."
"Then youโll have a match."
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︎ Jan 06 2021
Dad: I just put a puzzle together
Dad: I just put a puzzle together. It only took one day. Box says 2 to 4 years
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︎ Jan 08 2021
I wish I was an expert at tying ropes together
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︎ Dec 13 2020
My friend started a company a few years ago that binds quantities of material together...
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︎ Jan 02 2021
What do you call birds that stick together?
๐︎ 108
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︎ Nov 12 2020
My Wife told our kids they need to get their acts together.
I asked if it would be ok if they gathered their swords instead. She was not amused.
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︎ Jan 07 2021
Christopher Nolan, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey decide to make a movie together
Nolan says he will direct.
DiCaprio says he will act.
And McConaughey says "I'll write I'll write I'll write"
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︎ Oct 25 2020
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, โDad get out of the way!โ
I said, โYouโre the ones blocking!โ
๐︎ 16k
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︎ Jun 27 2020
The chances of seeing two together is quite remote.
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︎ Nov 21 2020
My daughter asked me, "Why are the two planets coming close together?"
"Well, you see... When two planets love each other they can come together in holy astro nomy."
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︎ Dec 22 2020
Pet owner: "Vet , my birds are stuck together."
Vet: "I'm sorry, I don't understand. It's toucan fusing."
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︎ Nov 19 2020
My friend and his girlfriend have been together for 5 years, but I have never heard either of them tell a joke.
They are in a very serious relationship.
๐︎ 9
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︎ Dec 13 2020
CDC just announced that due to COVID people over 5โ5 shouldnโt be getting together for the holidays.
I guess only small gatherings are allowed.
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︎ Dec 13 2020
Dolphin son: Dad, how did you and mom know that you guys are meant to be together?
Dolphin Dad: When we first met,.....we just clicked.
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︎ Nov 03 2020
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, โGet out. We donโt serve rope in here.โ So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, โHey! Arenโt you the rope that I just threw out?โ
The rope replied, โNo. Iโm a frayed knot.โ
๐︎ 12k
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︎ May 27 2020
two exes were tied together by a string but it broke
guess there was too much tension between them
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︎ Nov 16 2020
What happens when you put a bunch of lads together?
๐︎ 2
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︎ Dec 01 2020
A group of people meet up and eat together every night. But they do not talk about it.
They are part of the bite club
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︎ Nov 26 2020
If a programmer could rearrange the alphabet, they'd put U and I together.
User Interface is important to them.
๐︎ 7
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︎ Nov 13 2020
TIL: Two elephants of the same herd wonโt go into the same body of water together at the same time.
Itโs because they only have one pair of trunks between the two of them.
๐︎ 2k
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︎ Jul 22 2020
What do you call it when the whole neighbourhood has tea together?
๐︎ 4
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︎ Nov 16 2020
My son and his co-worker are janitors who moved in together.
Theyโre broommates who sweep together.
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︎ Nov 07 2020
What do you call two crows flying together
๐︎ 104
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︎ Aug 20 2020
I mixed salsa and cheese together and showed my wife...
She wasnโt impressed and just said, โK, so?โ
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︎ Sep 19 2020
In honor of the occasion. What do you call witches who live together?
๐︎ 7
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︎ Oct 31 2020
All day I drill holes in metal and bolt them together
At first itโs boring and then itโs Riveting!
๐︎ 18
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︎ Oct 07 2020
Iโm reading a book about these two melons that have a forbidden love. Theyโve tried to run away together many times, but are caught every time.
It seems that no matter how hard they try, they just canโt-elope
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︎ Aug 05 2020
I wondered if Iโd ever have the strength to hold things together like I used to
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︎ Oct 14 2020
Why did the cow and the horse start a business together?
They figured they could make a lot of Moo Neigh.
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︎ Sep 18 2020
A husband and wife are walking in the park together.
Suddenly, the wife pointed out that it was snowing. The husband shook his head and exclaimed that it was just raining. After disagreeing for quite some time, they decided to ask their communist friend, Rudolph. He also exclaimed that it was raining. The husband then said to his wife,
โSee, Rudolph the red knows rain, dear.โ
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︎ Aug 21 2020
I attached all my watches together to make a belt..
It was a waist of time...
๐︎ 51
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︎ Sep 01 2020
I once ate two pieces of string and an hour later they came out my ass tied together
๐︎ 45
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︎ Oct 02 2020
I was reading today that Kevin Bacon and Daniel Day Lewis are making a movie together
It's called My Left Footloose
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︎ Oct 09 2020
What did the chef use to keep his dinner stuck together?
๐︎ 2
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︎ Oct 22 2020
I wanted to get a poker game together for my birthday,
But with COVID I donโt think itโs in the cards.
๐︎ 5
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︎ Sep 07 2020
A midget escaped from prison by using bed sheets tied together and scaled down the outside wall. He left a note detailing his escape plan, highlighting the prison guards stupidity and incompetence.
The Warden said "he's a little condescending"
๐︎ 14
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︎ Oct 03 2020
My friend and his girlfriend have been together for 5 years, and Iโve heard neither of them ever tell a joke.
They are in a very serious relationship.
๐︎ 291
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︎ Sep 27 2020
What do you call birds that stick together?
๐︎ 21
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︎ Nov 22 2020
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