Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
My grandfather turned 90 today, but he still doesn’t need glasses.
He drinks straight from the bottle.
I met a beautiful cactus today, so I told it, " you're looking sharp today ".
" I'm just a cactus " , it said. " You have a point there ", I replied.
Broke ny finger today
On the other hand i am ok
My wife asked for a divorce today, saying I was too un-American.
I saw it coming from a kilometer away.
I got called pretty today.
...well, actually, the full statement was “you’re pretty annoying”, but I only focus on positive things.
Today I learned that if a canoe turns upside down in the water, you can safely wear it on your head.
I apopted a dog from a blacksmith today
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door
Saw this earlier today lmao
Burnt my hawaiian pizza today...
Should have cooked it on aloha temperature.
EDIT: Thanks for the awards, y'all!
Off work today. You could say I'm... All Dressed Up and nowhere to go
Guys, today was my first day in the navy and I felt so lost!
today is my first cake day so I decided to give you guys a joke
What do you call an Irishman bouncing off the walls?
Rick O Shea
Today I'm starting diarrhoea awareness week....
I quit my job at the helium factory today.
I will not be spoken to in that tone of voice!
There is a HUGE snowstorm today in Washington, DC
There are thousands of snowflakes gathering in DC, crying because they lost the election and they can't con their way to victory.
I yelled at the kids through the colander today,
I swallowed a dictionary today.
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
Today someone bought our department a box of donuts and some lotto tickets. The potential grand prize was $3,000, in which my boss exclaimed "Well that isn't enough to retire".
I corrected him by saying that is plenty of money to buy some new tires for your car.
The physical pain on his face was priceless.
I bought some new shoes from my drug dealer today...
I have no idea what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day!
One of my coworkers said today is her thirty second birthday.
I asked her how she could possibly get anything done in such a short amount of time.
I made a girl in a wheelchair laugh today.
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is mystery, but today is a gift
That's why it's called PRESENT.
I've completed 4 years of being single today.
Or Can I say I graduated my Bachelor's Degree?
Today I spotted an albino Dalmatian
It was the least I could do for him
I got gas for $1.19 today!
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Dad dropped this one on me over the phone today
Dad: Have I ever told you that story about my dad?
Me: Which one?
Dad: The only dad I have!
Every day, my teacher reads a joke from Reddit to start the class, but today she is absent.
Today I got out-dad joked by a 2 year old
I asked my daughter if she was hungry and she said "No, I'm Charlotte".
I'm so proud of her, but also I had been waiting to do the whole hi hungry, I'm dad bit to her when I thought she was old enough to get it. Now I feel like I've missed that window
I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, “Do you want to hear today’s special?”
I said, “Yes please.”
Waiter: “No problem sir. Today is special.”
Edit: You guys are way too generous. Thank you.
Today I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume knob stuck on full."
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
The College Board announced today that it will be dropping the essay section from the SAT.
It’ll now just be called the T.
Decided to make a new stripe club today
We only play “Hey There Delilah”. The club will called the Plain White Tease.
I ate a kids meal at McDonald's today.
His mom got really angry.
A cable repairman was on our street today and asked what time it is.
I told him it's between 8am and 1pm.
Today, I checked out at the store, but the cashier kept taking pictures of herself with each item I was purchasing...
I'll never go thru the selfie checkout again!
The doctor today told me I had kidney stones.
It really rocked my world.
I had the nastiest,rudest,slowest cashier today.
I guess it's my own fault for using the self service checkout lane.
I saw an ambulance with the lights on at the local mechanics today.
Guess they needed an emergency service.
Best dad joke I've heard today.. so far
Me: "Are you free tomorrow?"
Dad: "No, I'm 5 bucks tomorrow."
Today I asked a hot girl at the gym what her new year's resolution was. She replied “Screw you!”
So I'm pretty excited for the new year!
The only thing I have planned for today is to get my new glasses.
Then I'll see what happens.
What did the Democratic House Representative say when asked how they were feeling today?
I just bought a dictionary today and bought it home to find out that all the pages were blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Can’t get my head around why Timpsons was closed today.
Surely they’re key workers?
So this happened today... this is why I love Reddit.
I bought a book at the spice store today.
Every day, my teacher starts her class by reading a joke from r/dadjokes, but today she is absent.
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