Time puns - The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
My wife called me at work and said “it’s time, the baby is coming”
I said that’s impossible, Labor Day is in September!
(New dad of a 3 week old, trying to step into my new role)
6:30 is the best time on a clock.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
One time I posted 10 jokes in a row, hoping at least one would make Dads laugh on r/dadjokes
Sadly, no pun in ten did.
I remember a time when plastic surgery was a taboo subject, but nowadays when you mention botox..
..no one even raises an eyebrow.
Doc, every time I smell Mexican food my heart races.
Doc: Sounds like tacocardia.
You picked a fine time to leave me...
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.
Why did the butterfly have such a hard time with his marriage?
He didn’t get along with his moth-er-in-law.
Did you know if you and your buddy fart at the same time it makes you Egyptian?
Because you have a Tutankhamun.
Note:I thought of this today I really hope the joke lands.
I was gonna tell a time travelling joke
but you guys didnt like it
When I was a single man, I had tons of free time.
Now that I started listening to full albums, I hardly ever leave the house.
Aquaman backed into my car multiple times yesterday
"Fool me once - I'm mad. Fool me twice - How could you? Fool me three times - You're officially that guy, okay?"
Why do kleptomaniacs have a hard time understanding metaphors?
They take everything literally.
Why would T. Rex have a hard time playing the piano?
I took my young son for a beer today for the first time.
I got him a Budweiser, but he didn't like it. So I drank it. I tried him on Coors and he hated that too. So I drank that too. Same thing with Guiness and Whiskey. I was doubling up on everything and he was happy with Apple juice.
By the time we started on vodkas, I was way too drunk to push his pram home.
One time Chewbacca forgot to release the emergency brake before flying the millennium falcon
I’ve lost count of the times I forgot
Guess they should read the bio next time
What is a Dentist's favorite time of the day?
One day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was a handed a letter and thought to myself..
I know Bill Gates is going through a tough time right now.
I just hope he will accept my cookies.
Why do women have a difficult time working for the postal service?
Why can’t two elephants swim at the same time?
They only have a pair of trunks.
-my grandfather, just 5 minutes ago.
Everyone keeps asking me that why am I such a pessimist all the time
I keep telling them that it's in my blood, be negative.
Why did Einstein invite time to his wedding?
Because time was relative
One time I accidentally ate horse and it sent me to the ER
Doctor said I was ‘stable’
I heard on the news, a man was shot 200 times with an upholstery gun.
Apparently he's now completely recovered
TIL the average dog barks 14 times a day.
This is just a ruff estimate, though.
What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon?
One time I asked my dentist what time it was
He said it was Tooth Hurty
They same time flies like an arrow.
Yeah, and fruit flies like a banana.
Once upon a time there were two little skunks.
Their names were In and Out. They lived in a hollow tree stump with their mother. Sometimes they liked to play inside, and sometimes outside.
One day, In was outside, and Out was inside. Mamma skunk asked Out to go find his brother. So Out went out, to bring In in. A short while later they both came inside. Mamma asked Out how he managed to find his brother so fast.
He smiled and said: "Instinct"
In the best Dadjoke move of all time..
Stephen King actually named his son Joe.
What organ in your body enlarges four times when you are excited?
Even crime has time for puns (credit to the author, extrafabulouscomics)
My wife said she's leaving me because I spend to much time trying to get reddit points for dad jokes.
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
i have too much free time.....
I was trying to think of something funny to say about the last time I went to the pub with my mates...
But all I can think of are inn-jokes.
Farmers are leaving Facebook in droves. Every time they put down a post
My mother told me a billion times.....
Time flies like an arrow
Fruit flies like a banana
Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.
What's a dentist's favourite time?
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