My wife called me at work and said “it’s time, the baby is coming”
I said that’s impossible, Labor Day is in September!
(New dad of a 3 week old, trying to step into my new role)
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
Did you know if you and your buddy fart at the same time it makes you Egyptian?
Because you have a Tutankhamun.
Note:I thought of this today I really hope the joke lands.
I took my young son for a beer today for the first time.
I got him a Budweiser, but he didn't like it. So I drank it. I tried him on Coors and he hated that too. So I drank that too. Same thing with Guiness and Whiskey. I was doubling up on everything and he was happy with Apple juice.
By the time we started on vodkas, I was way too drunk to push his pram home.
What is a Dentist's favorite time of the day?
Everyone keeps asking me that why am I such a pessimist all the time
I keep telling them that it's in my blood, be negative.
I’ve lost count of the times I forgot
Guess they should read the bio next time
One time I accidentally ate horse and it sent me to the ER
Doctor said I was ‘stable’
Why do women have a difficult time working for the postal service?
Why can’t two elephants swim at the same time?
They only have a pair of trunks.
-my grandfather, just 5 minutes ago.
In the best Dadjoke move of all time..
Stephen King actually named his son Joe.
I was trying to think of something funny to say about the last time I went to the pub with my mates...
But all I can think of are inn-jokes.
Doctor, Doctor, every time I take a picture of myself, the bottom of the picture is always foggy. It’s making me really fed up.
That’s because you have low selfie steam.
Even crime has time for puns (credit to the author, extrafabulouscomics)
I recently moved and my dad is visiting for the first time.
We were driving around town and I was pointing out to him all the happening spots when he casually said, "looks pretty dead in here."
I look over to see him gesturing towards the local graveyard...
Every time we go to the putting green, my friend has to bring along a bag of Pringles to munch on...
He always wants to practice his chipping.
I don't understand why sailors used to get scurvy all the time, I mean...
They had plenty of vitamin sea.
What brought Israel to the current times?
There's no worse time to be a chauvinist than the present
Did I ever tell the story of the time I went to the seafood disco?
My youngest daughter was diagnosed with scoliosis when she was 5. That’s the same time we began calling her by her middle name, Sarah.
Her first name is Eileen.
Why couldn't the computer get to work on time?
When's the best time to schedule an appointment with a dentist?
I crossed the border into Mexico without much hassle. Crossing it a second time was fine too, but on the third time a guard stopped me and said “Sorry
Once upon a time at the opposite of the beginning
People began paying the Hawaiian volcano goddess to lie down from time to time
They're calling it a pay lay
After I went to the dentist, I went and recorded a gospel album. My mouth was still numb, so I was drooling the whole time.
The album's called "Songs of Salivation".
Grandpa went quiet after seeing my daughter for the first time
I asked him if he’s okay. He said, “Yeah, I’m great!”
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you’d get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
One time on a road trip we drove through Iowa and stopped at a farm around harvest time. I tried to speak to the farmer about buying some fresh corn 🌽 but he had no time for me.
“Sorry, mister,” he said. “I’m up to my ears in work.”
Why do people from West Russia take their time in the bathroom?
Because you don't wanna be Russian while European
Used to get the kids with this one all the time.
How many fingers do I have.
Answer 11.
10 9 8 7 6... Plus 5 is 11.
What's the best time to schedule a dental appointment?
What do you call an old, grumpy Avatar that comes back and ruins the economy every time you send him away?
I remember when I left home for the first time, my mum said to me, "Don't forget to write!"
I thought to myself, 'That's unlikely,Its a basic skill, why should I?"
Time to put on the costume
If you commit 90 sins, you will only get caught half the time.
What time does the Irishman go to the dentist?
True story: I was visiting my wife in the hospital but the room didn't have a bed to lay down in so I laid down on the floor since I was tired. The nurse came in and asked "having a good time down there"?
I said "oh yeah. I'm just floored".
What is the best kept secret of all time?
Well why would I tell you
My son tried to change the time..
Whats the best time on a clock?
Once upon a time a broken sword told me it was the best weapon in the world...
I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey at one time
But then I turned myself around.
What time of the day are you most productive?
Today, my wife apologized to me for the first time ever. She said...
...she’s sorry she ever married me.
When's the best time to visit the dentist?
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