My daughter wanted to help me make some bread, so she offered to "proof" the dough for me.
"Really?"
"Sure," she said.
"It's the yeast I can do."
π︎ 16
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︎ Jan 22 2021
I asked all the countries in the world if they wanted to throw a party. All of them told me they can't because of covid.
Only one was like "Yemen"
π︎ 57
π
︎ Jan 11 2021
The clerk at the hardware store asked me how long I wanted my lumber
I told him I was planning on keeping it
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jan 28 2021
You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 23 2021
I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus that I've always wanted. When I opened it, all the pages were blank
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
π︎ 240
π
︎ Dec 02 2020
The police arrested water because it was wanted in three states
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jan 04 2021
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed
To be honest this is pretty demolarizing
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jan 01 2021
I got the sack for asking a customer if they wanted smoking or non smoking.
Cremation or funeral was the correct term.
π︎ 22
π
︎ Jan 19 2021
The family wanted to visit some caverns.
I didnβt want to go, but eventually I caved.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Dec 30 2020
Found this on r/cursedcomments - the post (by u/Atom596 ) was removed for some reason so I couldn't crosspost but wanted to give the op credit
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Aug 12 2020
I wanted to share my joke about the wind....
.....but it's only a draft.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Dec 23 2020
A doctor was teaching a class, and wanted to give a pop quiz about tolerance and observance when dealing with the cadavers. (L) (On Mobile)
Teacher: βSo I want everyone to understand that a dead body isnβt disgusting, and we need to be able to handle it and always be observant at all times when dealing with oneβ
The teacher has everyone turn their body over
Teacher: βNow I want you all to stick your finger in itβs ass and hold it in there for a momentβ
all of the students do as instructed, hesitant at first
Teacher: βOkay, now go ahead and pull your finger out and then put a finger in your mouth like I doβ
The students getting a little disgusted by that request REALLY hesitated at first, but eventually they all did as he asked
As the teacher has all of his students with their finger in their mouth, he tells the class, βnow see itβs not disgusting if you did it right...if you put your index finger in the ass, and put your middle finger in your mouth like I did, you have just passed my classβ.
With minimal observance, and a dead silent room...not one student passed the pop quiz
π︎ 6
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︎ Jan 13 2021
My kid wanted to talk to ghosts; we found three guys willing to intervene. One was very tall, one was very short and the other was mid-sized.
I chose the 3rd guy as he was the medium.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 01 2021
My friend wanted to hit the treadmill despite recovering from an injury.
I told him βtread lightlyβ.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 07 2021
You know what happened to the guy who wanted to use "MyDick" as his password?
The Website told him that he can't do it because his password is "too short"
π︎ 19
π
︎ Dec 22 2020
What did the Apple OS say to the Windows OS when it wanted to merge?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 13 2020
What did the mother melon say to her daughter when she wanted to run away to get married?
π︎ 13
π
︎ Nov 30 2020
Why did the melons run away and get married instead of have a big church wedding like their parents wanted?
Because they could elope.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 10 2020
I asked my daughter if she wanted to go to the store with me. She said βIβm good.β
π︎ 34
π
︎ Nov 16 2020
My boss brought bagels for breakfast and asked me which one I wanted. I said "give me one of the Spanish bagels". He responded " One of the Spanish Bagels?"
π︎ 7
π
︎ Nov 14 2020
When the scientist wanted to clone a deer ...
he bought a doe it yourself kit.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Oct 30 2020
A pirate wanted to celebrate his captainβs birthday, so he bought a large quantity of balloons while ashore. Back on the ship, he walked over to hand the balloons to the captain, but he tripped and most of them floated away. The captain said, βArrr! That was a costly mistake...β
βWe lost a lot of doubloons.β
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 28 2020
A guy came into the store today and wanted a powdery substance that hardens when adding to water...
That's it... he gave no concrete details.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Nov 04 2020
Did you hear about the pope that wanted to be a ninja?
He was a blessing in disguise
π︎ 124
π
︎ Sep 21 2020
I got my son a PS5 like he wanted... the note read...
Dear son,
Merry Christmas!
PS: do your homework.
PPS: do your chores.
PPPS: go outside and play and stop playing video games
PPPPS: you're a fatboy, fattie. You eat too much crap food.
PPPPPS: we're shipping you off to military school next year!
π︎ 4
π
︎ Nov 24 2020
I didnβt get the Xbox Series X I wanted for my birthday.
I need someone to console me.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Nov 17 2020
I bought a box of condoms from the store the other day and the cashier asked me if I wanted a bag
I said βnah, Iβll just turn the lights off.β
π︎ 46
π
︎ Sep 13 2020
My mom played the clarinet in high school. She mentioned she wanted to play again, but doesn't have the money to waste on it. I ordered one for her birthday and left her a subtle clue.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Apr 26 2020
I wanted to do some research on organs in biology, but I had no wifi and couldnβt find the information I wanted.
I wound up using cellular.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 25 2020
I really wanted to be there for the birth of my child. I drove like an idiot and almost got into an accident. But when I reached the hospital, I found out it was all for nothing.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Nov 05 2020
So I was buying cheese the other day when the clerk came out with a large wheel. Problem is, they tripped, landing on the wheel and crushed it. He asked if I still wanted it. I said no. He asked why.
I simple told him "It's no Gouda!"
π︎ 4
π
︎ Nov 08 2020
I showed this woman all the F-150s at my local dealership, and she instantly wanted me.
I guess she was really into pickup lines.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 09 2020
I was excavating a large hole in my backyard in order to build an underground office. My neighbor wasn't too happy with the noise and wanted to come and see what all the commotion was about.
I told him to just leave me alone. After all, I'm just mining my own business.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Oct 23 2020
What did the produce manager tells his daughter who wanted to run away with her boyfriend?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Oct 28 2020
For my wife's birthday I bought her the fancy new fridge that she wanted.
You should have seen her face light up when she opened it
π︎ 9
π
︎ Oct 20 2020
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, βNOT THE KRYPTONITE!β and I said, βThatβs Supermanβ¦β
βThanks, man, β he replied, βIβve been practising it a lot.β
π︎ 7
π
︎ Oct 21 2020
If we wanted evangelical Christians to take the pandemic as a serious threat...
... we should have called it the Quran-o-virus.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Oct 18 2020
My kid wanted to join the orchestra. I said "sorry, but you're way too young for thatβ¦"
"β¦it has a lot of sax and violins."
π︎ 16
π
︎ Sep 13 2020
I lined up everybody I ever wanted to punch in the face
And this is what I call a punch line
π︎ 61
π
︎ Jul 04 2020
I asked a guy in a pub if he wanted a game of darts. He said βOK, nearest the bull startsβ. ...
He went βBaaaβ
I went βMooooβ
He said ok you start.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Oct 14 2020
Went fishing with a friend that wanted to throw rocks into the lake
I told βem we should just skip it
π︎ 10
π
︎ Oct 02 2020
I wanted to buy the perfect Vincent Van Gogh costume for a Halloween party, but I couldn't find one.
They were all ear-regular.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Sep 23 2020
the other night, my dad taught me his famous stew recipe. it went great, the only issue we had was with the herbs i wanted to use. he told me βyouβre wrong about the parsley...
but thatβs okay because youβre right on thymeβ
π︎ 6
π
︎ Sep 27 2020
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, "NOT THE KRYPTONITE!" and I said, "That's Superman..."
"Thanks, man," he replied, "I've been practising a lot."
π︎ 407
π
︎ May 24 2020
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