I wanted to crack a joke on trains. I could not EXPRESS it well
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︎ Feb 26 2021
Not mine just wanted to share some funny stuff
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︎ Nov 06 2020
My kid wasn't sure if he wanted eggnog or not.
You might say he's eggnostic.
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︎ Dec 21 2020
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, βNOT THE KRYPTONITE!β and I said, βThatβs Supermanβ¦β
βThanks, man, β he replied, βIβve been practising it a lot.β
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︎ Oct 21 2020
I asked the chef for butter for my naan and he gave me regular old butter. I went back and said, "hey, I may not look Indian, but I really wanted ghee." He told me rather rudely, "Well, next time you should clarify that."
I told him, "well, this time, you should."
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︎ Jul 10 2020
My orchestra buddy wanted to bring his fiddle to a protest. I told him not to.
In a peaceful protest, there's no need for violins.
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︎ Jun 09 2020
My mom asked me if I wanted a glass of wine. I said to her βwine notβ
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︎ Dec 13 2019
Grocery store bagger asked me if I wanted the milk put in the bag or not
I told her no thanks please leave it in the carton
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︎ Nov 29 2019
I'm not paranoid. So I wanted to say,
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︎ Nov 16 2019
My son learned about radioactive decay in chemistry class, he was real excited when he got home and had a million questions. He wanted to build a reactor in the back yard. I told him we couldnβt. βWhat, are you not smart enough?β
βNo Uβ
Iβll see myself out.
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︎ Oct 29 2018
My son wanted to know how he could be sure that I'm his dad, so I told him that I'm not.
"After you we're born you pooped your diaper so I changed you."
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︎ Oct 22 2019
Not a dad joke, just wanted to let the dad-jokers of the world that the US government has your backs
https://twitter.com/ultimateshtpstr/status/1117149591273521152?s=21
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︎ Apr 13 2019
I always wanted my dad to grow a beard and would try to get him to not shave in the mornings. As he began shaving, he would always promise me that heβd start growing a beard βtomorrowβ, but he never did.
He was a bald faced liar.
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︎ Sep 04 2019
I had to. Not because I wanted to, but because no one else will.
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︎ Apr 10 2019
This prawn couldn't decide whether he wanted to be coated in batter and eaten or not
He was being tempura mental
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︎ Aug 27 2019
When I first started growing out my beard, I wasn't sure if I wanted to keep it or not.
But it's really grown on me.
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︎ Mar 07 2018
I told my girlfriend that it was important not to hide the fact that I wanted her to be able to see through me.
I just wanted to be transparent with her.
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︎ Jul 23 2018
I wanted to redo the flooring in my living room, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
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︎ Sep 11 2015
When I was little I wanted to go to the Zoo once, but my dad said no. When I asked him to give me a good reason for not taking me to the zoo he said:
"It was hard enough to sneak you out of there in the first place."
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︎ Aug 16 2013
Not your typical dad joke, but I wanted to share.
Birthdays were always fun in our household. One of the things that I would always remember were what my dad used to do with the card envelopes. He would stuff them with confetti so that when you opened them, it would just go everywhere. He just passed recently and only after we discovered that birthday envelopes weren't the only envelopes he would do this with. Anytime he had to pay bills, he would stuff the envelope with the same sort of confetti. It just made laugh imagining the guy at the electric company opening it.
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︎ Apr 09 2014
That's not what I wanted for breakfast!
Our six month old just pooped. As I was changing his diaper, I told him that he's gotten some on his penis. My husband overhead and proudly proclaimed, "I guess you could say it's a weinerschnitzel!"
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︎ Dec 19 2015
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, βNOT THE KRYPTONITE!β and I said, βThatβs Supermanβ¦β
βThanks, man, β he replied, βIβve been practicing it a lot.β
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︎ Aug 14 2019
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