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I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...
Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.
Apparently I had dropped one...
Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....
A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.
It was a patient dog
The shop keeper refused to take it back saying that I asked for a lap cat!
Le meow!
He got toad.
It was worth it though... That club was hopping.
She had lost $200, so I gave her $40 from the $200 I just found. When god blesses you, you must bless others.
Taken from dad jokes
Then it dawned on me.
Paddy O'Furniture!
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
I probably should have worn pants, too.
My wife says it will look too boring, but I think it will be egg siding.
“Currently”
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
Half a watermelon
I went out and saw the idiot; he was selling chairs.
I’d Pick Nick.
"...mountains peak!"
I'm cloisterphobic
Nature abhors a vacuum.
I texted "Oh Pun the Door"
Turns out he was full of shit.
I Guess You Could Say I'm Under House Arrest.
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
The mailman responded with, "And a good afternoon to you, Femalewoman!"
Me, to my two boys: "Hazel tried to escape, but I captured her."
Boy 1: (pronunciation) "cap- CHURR!"
Boy 2: "Or... You CAT-tured her!"
The Warden said "he's a little condescending"
Then the owner came out giving free burgers and hotdogs to everybody there.
It was the best barber queue ever!
Guardian of the galaxy
...It took a while to herd them together but I finally got them all under control.
Two fish got battered
A vacuum cleaner
The bartender says to him, “We don’t serve rope here; you’ll have to leave.”
So the rope goes back outside and ducks around the corner. He ties himself up, dishevels the strands on his head, and walks back into the bar.
Despite his new look, the bartender instantly recognizes him. “What did I tell you? We don’t serve rope here!”
And the rope replies, “A rope?! I’m a frayed knot.”
It's a running gag.
Gone. Fission.
Man who has been going to the same bar for years tells his drinking buddies that he has decided to travel the world to view every farm tractor ever made. They all know his love for farm machinery and are quite relieved to be getting rid of him as he bores them half to death with his knowledge of tractors. 5 years later the man goes back to the bar after traveling the world seeing every tractor he could find. The barman looks at him and enquires as to why he looks so glum after achieving his life ambition, He explains that seeing every tractor has taken the shine off his hobby and he doesn't want or need to see anymore tractors. Just then there's a loud bang and the bar starts filling with smoke. Everyone is panicking except our man back from his travels who tells everyone to not panic and stand back, he then inhales all the smoke walks outside and blows all the smoke away. His buddies are amazed and ask how he managed to do this amazing feat, He explains. Simple I'm An Ex tractor fan.
First.... You dig a big pit.
Like, a tiger pit, but big enough for an elephant.
Then, you fill it with leaves and debris and whatever...
Light the leaves on fire and let it burn all the way down to ash.
Next, open a can of peas (or fresh peas if you have them)...
Place the peas all along the outside of the pit, creating a ring around the whole thing...
That way, when the elephant goes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash-hole.
I said, “it’s a bit muggy.”
Beat it
People are dying to get in there.
You remember the story of Jack and the Beanstock? Imagine if Jack had red hair.
Hints:
Fee-fi-fo-fum,
I smell the blood of an Englishman,
Be he alive, or be he dead
I'll grind his bones to make my bread.
This one is a bit dark.
Ok, too subtle perhaps:
>!Outside of the U.S., red heads are generally called "gingers". Thus, redhead Jack is a ginger, and if the giant makes his bread from Jack's bones, he has made bread out of a ginger, which makes it...!<
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