My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"

πŸ‘︎ 176
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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What happened to the men who smashed all the windows in their office building..

They're now facing a glass action lawsuit.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AEvans1888
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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Today I took a single Cheerio from my son’s bowl, stared him in the eyes, placed it on the table, smashed it with my fist, and said β€œWatch out...”

β€œ...cereal killer.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VeryLastBison
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
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A donkey just smashed through my window!

What a pane in the ass!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
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I accidentally smashed a window recently.

It was a pane to replace.

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlessedBigIron
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
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While riding down the road today, a fish jumped out of a boat that was being towed, and smashed into the front of my car.

It wasn't all bad though, I love grilled fish.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
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I had to bring a smashed boomerang back to Walmart yesterday.

Fantastic returns policy.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
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My girlfriend and I smashed toes trying to kiss each other

I replied in agony nice toe meet you.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/djv1018
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
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Police found a dead chickpea that was smashed

They ruled it out as hummuscide

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Corleone_Michael
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
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The most emotional part of my wedding wasn't the vows or the speeches - it was getting cake smashed in my face.

Really brought a tier to my eye.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlwaysTheNoob
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do crows go to get smashed?

A Crowbar

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shplurgle
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2020
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πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/meadsmeatmarket
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2020
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My frosted glass windows smashed this afternoon

It's unclear what happened

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/endangeredpenguin
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
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I notified police after finding dozens of smashed porcelain figures in a rice paddy

They said it was the first known case of a knick knack paddy whack.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LowInFat
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2019
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What do you call a smashed avocado that travels by foot?

Walk-a-moley

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bravetourists
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
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I dropped and smashed my disco ball today.

Now I've got 7000 years bad luck.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/December_Soul
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
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I believe it's wrong for humans to selectively breed dogs until their faces are smashed flat and they can't breathe normally.

Hugs not pugs.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wrethlig
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2018
🚨︎ report
What did people call batman and Robin after the joker smashed them with a giant fly swatter?

Flatman and Ribbon.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/neloc1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the Bruce Willis movie where his power is to put smashed dishes back together?

Summer 2019 - "Unbreak-a-bowl" coming to a theater near you!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joshandthewolf
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2018
🚨︎ report
I waited in line for 45 minutes earlier for smashed pea soup that was clearly spoiled.

That restaurant needs to mind their peas and queues.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrthatsthat
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2018
🚨︎ report
A woman's mattress escaped from her bedroom, smashed up her belongings, and ran away with her husband

She always had problems controlling her Tempur

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EveryoneSadean
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2017
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There was a guy who got his entire left side smashed by a train

I heard he is all right now

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_BlNG_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2016
🚨︎ report
My friend's dad smashed a bee on the wall

then turned to us with a triumphant face while proclaiming "I turned that bee into a was.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheJoePilato
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2013
🚨︎ report
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"

πŸ‘︎ 18k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
🚨︎ report

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