I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
The police just showed up at my house and arrested my bottle of water. They said he was wanted in 3 states...
I showed up to my last job interview exhausted and stoned
A pyromaniac from my hometown accidentally killed himself in a fire, but nobody even showed up to identify the body.
A detective showed up at my house and asked me where I was between 5 & 6
How many people showed up to the church yesterday?
My Dad showed me a picture of him at a REM concert "Look" he said.
That's me in the corner...
EDIT. Sorry that was just a dream
What was the cannibal given after he showed up late to the dinner party?
I told my kid we were gonna watch Paw Patrol, but instead I just showed him footage of K9 units training.
Guess that makes me a papa troll.
I proudly showed my son, "Check this out! Bought a new shrub trimmer today!" He shrugged and replied, "That's great, dad." I continued...
"It’s cutting hedge technology!"
My wife showed me how she’d stab me if I ever cheated on her.
The knife didn’t go all the way in, but I got the point.
I showed my dad marble racing on YouTube...
He asked me if it takes place in the Marble Cinematic Universe
My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but..."
"Look at what kids your age make in China!"
My wife showed me two quilts and asked me which one I preferred.
I said, “I refuse to make blanket statements.”
The wife looked concerned when my son showed an interest in electricals at the age of 5.
He asked about the neutral wire.
I said "don't worry, its just a phase."
My friend and I were talking about another friend who became a preacher when he suddenly showed up seeking advice for his sermon...
I said, "well, speak of the devil!"
The Roman fighter showed no remorse as a cannibal. In fact...
All my vegetables got stolen and the cops finally showed up.
My elderly neighbor had some landscapers take care of his lawn every weekend for several years. Recently, he hired a new crew, but forgot to fire the old crew. So this weekend they both showed up to mow his lawn, and got into a fight over who should be there.
He had no idea he had started a turf war.
The Police Showed Up When My Son Refused to Take a Nap
They charged him with resisting a rest.
William Otis showed his son his evolutionary invention.
He said, "Son, this is a ground breaking creation."
I once got into a bar fight with the number 1. His friends 3, 5, 7, and 9 showed up to help him.
The odds were against me.
I mixed salsa and cheese together and showed my wife...
She wasn’t impressed and just said, “K, so?”
For my anniversary, 12 women named Rose showed up while we were having breakfast. "WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?" Screamed my wife.
"Honey, I got you a bouquet."
I showed my boobs for a free tattoo the other day.
I showed my dad a joke on here,
He looked at me and said "ive already Reddit son"
I showed a picture of a sheep giving birth to some kids and asked if they knew what animal it was.
I showed this woman all the F-150s at my local dealership, and she instantly wanted me.
I guess she was really into pickup lines.
An independent study showed that the average household in America uses 3.14 pumpkins between Halloween and thanksgiving
No wonder they call it pumpkin pi!!!!
Friend: ...my wife is uncomfortable with them because they’ve joined the church of Satan. Like, he showed me his membership card. They’re paid members, man.
Me: well; someone has to pay the devil’s dues
Friend: damn it.
"Have you ever done anything good?" St. Peter asked a guy when he showed up at the Pearly Gates. "To protect a young girl I punched the leader of a motorcycle gang, kicked his bike over, and told them all to back off!" said the man. St. Peter was impressed, "When did you do this?"
"Oh, just a couple of minutes ago."
People at our Christmas party were impressed when I showed off my incredibly detailed tattoo, but they didn't believe me when I tell them I got it done in Madrid.
Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision.
I was talking to a butcher the other day who showed me a 10 pound bratwurst
So I said "A ten pound bratwurst? I never sausage a thing!"
My son showed me a stamped envelope and asked, "Is this a postmark?"
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Gary.
Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson showed me pictures of his kids on his phone.
He was pretty sedimental.
I showed ten puns to my family to make them laugh
I showed my damaged luggage to a lawyer, and said, “I want to sue the airline!”
The lawyer said, “You don’t have much of a case.”
A cop just showed up and arrested our dog!
He had som unpaid barking tickets.
Asked My Date To Meet Me At The Gym, But She Never Showed Up...
Guess the two of us aren’t going to work out
Gordon Ramsey would be Gor-done and slap me if I showed him this.
I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
My young cousin showed me a stuffed lion wearing a tux.
Told me it’s a “dandy-lion”.
I showed up late to the Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting.
Needless to say, all the seats were already taken.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
What happened when the cannibal showed up late to dinner?
They gave him the cold shoulder
My wife showed me two quilts, and asked me which one I preferred.
I said, “I refuse to make blanket statements.”
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to a lawyer, and asked him whether I can sue the airline.
He said, “You don’t have much of a case.”
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