My record collection includes Bruce Springsteen, John Cougar Mellencamp, and Tom Petty. It’s almost a full Heartland Rock set...
Why did Led Zeppelin have record sales in China last year.
Because the government declared a rock down.
The head veterinarian at a zoo noticed something alarming in a patient’s record...
The head veterinarian at a zoo noticed something alarming in a patient’s record. A monkey that had been a healthy weight at its last checkup was now recorded as being only half that.
Fearing for the monkey’s health, he went and saw it, expecting it to be sickly and skeletal. However, the monkey seemed totally normal. Confused told his staff to weigh the monkey again.
They did, but the number they reported was still astonishingly low. Sure it was a mistake, he went to weigh the monkey for himself. But when he put the monkey on the scale, it showed a number that was still far too low, and couldn’t possibly be right.
After a moment he spotted the problem: behind the scale was a grab bar on the wall, and the monkey had stealthily grabbed it with its tail, and was supporting some of its weight off the scale that way.
So the monkey's weight was fine, they just weren't paying attention to de tail.
My friend Robert is a lawyer who specializes in helping convicted people by getting their records erased permanently. Everyone calls him...
One of my fathers last wishes was to have his ashes pressed into a record....
It was his vinyl request.
Do you know what happens when you play a country record backwards?
Your truck comes back, your wife comes back, your dog comes back, your trailer isn’t flooded...
On the eve of a record breaking cold winter night, a wife notices her husband run to the backyard with a bucket in his hand.
She grabs a cup of hot cocoa and watches through the window as he fills the bucket up with water and races from the back of the house all the way out to the front yard and out of sight. She bundles up and goes outside to get a closer look and sees that he’s cleared the snow from the sidewalk. She watches as he takes his bucket of water and pours it out on the cold concrete. She’s puzzled for a second and then says:
Icy, what you did there.
Where does Phil Collins record his music?
I was telling my friend that brown rice is the same as white rice, but with a criminal record....
He thinks I'm a riceist for saying that.
I'm obsessed with collecting old Beatles records. My friends say I need help..
..but I've already got that one.
There once was a record store. The owner was seventy-four. One day he fell ill then wrote in his will , “bury me with records galore”
It was his vinyl resting place
I am currently one of the world record holders for the Rubik's Cube...
It has been 43 years and I still cannot solve it.
People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.
But I love their greatest hits!
One night I got pulled over. The cop walked up to my window and said “do you have a police record, sir?” I said:
I said to my mate, "I can't stop buying Beatles records..
He said "You need help."
"I've got that one." I replied.
Did you hear that they just broke the Guinness Record for largest pickle?
I once held a world record
For the World’s Youngest Human Being.
Why do movie makers record laser gun sound effects in churches?
Because they go “pew pew pew”.
What do you call a clock made out of records?
Scientists record the sound of two helium atoms laughing.
Where did Noah keep a record of his bees?
NEW NUDE WATER SKI RECORD BROKEN!!
It was broken by a 28 year old Russian
His name is Torehis Sackov
Willie Nelson and Snoop Dogg have decided to record an album together.
I must have 10 New Order records but I only ever seem to play one of them.
I have a serious Substance abuse problem
I went to the record store and bought a new album. It was awful...
I tried to get a refund. But I couldn't get my NickleBack.
I want to get myself in the guinness world records for the oldest man alive, but it's taking me a long time
If there is a record for how many times a person can twist their ankle
I think I might have broken it!
My penis was in the Guinness book of world records.
Then the librarian told me to take it out.
How did the speed runner beat the world record on hair stylist simulator?
How does an arborist keep record of his business.
He keeps a log of every tree cuts down.
Breaking news: Irish officials have reported that a passenger 747 has crashed into a Belfast cemetery. Investigators have discovered over ten thousand dead bodies at the scene. One local witness at a nearby pub claimed it was a Guinness record.
To be sure. I’ll let myself out.....
If a painter records videos of himself painting and posts them on social media,
is he considered a recording artist?
My brother and I are really competitive, and he just broke my record for deep sea diving.
What do you get when you squeeze Apple Records?
I heard Santa delivered presents in record time last night...
He sleighed Christmas this year.
Every time my wife gets her hair coloured at the hairdresser’s, she records it on her phone.
I think she watches the highlights later.
Why was 2 offered a record deal but not 4?
Because 2 was better suited for PRIMEtime
He must be having a pretty good track record!
I've never been able to beat my school's high jump record and it keeps me up at night to this day...
People are usually shocked that I have a police record.
But I love their Greatest hits !
"I'm addicted to buying old Beatles records."
"Sounds like you need help."
"No, I already have that one."
When my father dies he wants his ashes pressed into a record