People are usually shocked that I have a police record.
But I love their Greatest hits !
I said to my mate, "I can't stop buying Beatles records..
He said "You need help."
"I've got that one." I replied.
Why do movie makers record laser gun sound effects in churches?
Because they go “pew pew pew”.
NEW NUDE WATER SKI RECORD BROKEN!!
It was broken by a 28 year old Russian
His name is Torehis Sackov
"I'm addicted to buying old Beatles records."
"Sounds like you need help."
"No, I already have that one."
What do you call a clock made out of records?
I must have 10 New Order records but I only ever seem to play one of them.
I have a serious Substance abuse problem
Where did Noah keep a record of his bees?
I went to the record store and bought a new album. It was awful...
I tried to get a refund. But I couldn't get my NickleBack.
Willie Nelson and Snoop Dogg have decided to record an album together.
I want to get myself in the guinness world records for the oldest man alive, but it's taking me a long time
If there is a record for how many times a person can twist their ankle
I think I might have broken it!
How did the speed runner beat the world record on hair stylist simulator?
Scientists record the sound of two helium atoms laughing.
How does an arborist keep record of his business.
He keeps a log of every tree cuts down.
If a painter records videos of himself painting and posts them on social media,
is he considered a recording artist?
Breaking news: Irish officials have reported that a passenger 747 has crashed into a Belfast cemetery. Investigators have discovered over ten thousand dead bodies at the scene. One local witness at a nearby pub claimed it was a Guinness record.
To be sure. I’ll let myself out.....
My penis was in the Guinness book of world records.
Then the librarian told me to take it out.
My brother and I are really competitive, and he just broke my record for deep sea diving.
What do you get when you squeeze Apple Records?
When my father dies he wants his ashes pressed into a record
Every time my wife gets her hair coloured at the hairdresser’s, she records it on her phone.
I think she watches the highlights later.
I heard Santa delivered presents in record time last night...
He sleighed Christmas this year.
My watch can call people, record my heart rate and even help me with my math
I have such a smart watch
Why was 2 offered a record deal but not 4?
Because 2 was better suited for PRIMEtime
I've never been able to beat my school's high jump record and it keeps me up at night to this day...
A British man is visiting Australia and is asked by the Customs Officer if he has a criminal record.
He replies, 'I didn't think you needed one to get into Australia any more'.
I guess I have a bad driving record because only 1 insurance company would take me as a customer.
I had to go with the Flo.
Did you hear about the guy who held the world record for most time spent on the toilet?
I wanted to set the world record for the most trees cut down,
But I just couldn’t hack it
To start a record collection...
I got a Doors album as a record.
When I play it, they are the Revolving Doors.
My wife always records her haircut on her phone when she goes to the hairdressers.
I think she watches the highlights later.
I just broke two of my dad's old Queen records
Now I want to break three.
Do you know how to make a small fortune in the record industry?
Start with a large fortune.
So I work at a record studio.
It's called superman records. One day, this bald, big-shot lookin fellow comes in saying "I need some kryptonite." I point. "Three doors down."
I saw my wife using her phone to record her getting a haircut.
I think she’s planning to watch the highlights later.
Record keepers, lumberjacks, and people with constipation....
I was getting a record player down from a shelf and it dropped on my head!
But it didn't effect me
It didn't effect me
It didn't effect me
It didn't effect me
What do you call a person who records a dead body without thinking about it
He must be having a pretty good track record!
I have a friend who was born on May 7th. Every year for his birthday I re-gift him a pristine 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it, but I have a perfect record.
It might be stupid, but it's a perfect 5/7, wood repost again.
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
WHat happens if you forget to record the drummer?
There will be repercussions!
BREAKING NEWS: People are now smoking marijuana in record numbers, reaching an all time high.
Seven days without a pun, just beat my personal record. I am now feeling very..... week.
My girlfriend Pia pulls me into a record store just before the video game store closes
All I could say was "Pia - no"
My medical record says I have blood type B
My penis was recently in the Guinness Book of World records
At least until the Librarian caught me.
I met an astronaut in Mexico who claimed to hold the record for the fastest unassisted orbit around Earth.
I'll never forget Juan Solo.
Where did Noah keep his records?
In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Mt. Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken.
Since then, the steaks have never been higher.
Does anyone here hold the javelin world record?
No?
Well, it was a long shot.
What do you call a broken record?
What do you call a broken record?
What do you call a broken record?
What do you call a broken record?
What do you call a broken record?
My wife and I had an argument because I spent £1000 on a record collection.
It’s my decision and it’s vinyl.
Just for the record, I need a new phonograph.
I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked whether I had a criminal record.
I replied: "No. Is that still a requirement?"
A man is pulled over and is asked if he has a police record.
The man replies, "No, but I've got a sting album."
Feeling a little low, I decided to peruse the local record shop for a new addition to my music collection.
Drifting down the alphabetised rock section, nothing really appealed to me from A-M. Disappointed, I moved around to the other side of the rack when suddenly I felt uplifted, content and at one with the universe.
I had reached Nirvana.
(one for the older folks) Just for the Record....
A person born in 33 was 45 in 78
Studies show that teenagers using nitrous oxide gas are at a record high
My penis was once on the Guinness book of world records
And now I'm no longer allowed in the library
For the record, I don't know Chris 😂😂
"What's your criminal record?" asked the cop.
I said, "Once I robbed a bank in 24 seconds."
I've decided to start collecting records
My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records.
He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone’s throw away, in fact.
When you shop at a record store, you should know that...
I threw a record into the Grand Canyon
The distance it fell was record breaking
What do you do after your dental records are copied?
I set a personal record for bench press today.
So I was at the record store the other day..
And I couldn't decide between 2112 and Moving Pictures. So I decided to go home and think about it for awhile.
I didn't want to make any Rush decisions.
what do mosquito bites and vinyl records have in common?
So, I like listening to vinyl records and composing music on my Galaxy Tab with the S-Pen.
But my stylus is broken, so I can do neither.
I set a record at my company for 12 straight quarters in tire sales
Fun whiskey fact: when creating Buffalo Trace bourbon, the first couple of attempts were complete failures. They even went so far as to destroy all records of the early products
which is why you never hear about Buffalo Uno or Buffalo Dos
I don't understand why record stores are failing
They have record sales every year
Apparently, Hitler burned records alongside books. It was all part of his plan.
A mountain climber had recently set the world record for climbing a mountain with a strange name
He was at the peak of productivity
I almost had the record for the most peas shoved up my nose...
Ever hear about the Australian baseball player that has the record for being walked the most times?
Fossil record...
...it's rock solid evidence of evolution.
'Singapore Airlines records low passenger numbers on Canberra to Wellington flights'
Well then, I guess Singapore airlines did not get to CAPITALise on this capital to capital route
I hope the place where Phil Collins records his vocals is referred to as the "Stu-Stustudio"
I was renovating my place, and I threw my record collection on the floor & the side of my house
I got vinyl flooring & vinyl siding
also on r/jokes
Just for the record, I need a new phonograph.
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