People are usually shocked that I have a police record.
But I love their Greatest hits !
π︎ 81
π
︎ Aug 04 2020
I said to my mate, "I can't stop buying Beatles records..
He said "You need help."
"I've got that one." I replied.
π︎ 113
π
︎ Jul 07 2020
Why do movie makers record laser gun sound effects in churches?
Because they go βpew pew pewβ.
π︎ 93
π
︎ Jul 23 2020
NEW NUDE WATER SKI RECORD BROKEN!!
It was broken by a 28 year old Russian
His name is Torehis Sackov
π︎ 5
π
︎ Aug 21 2020
"I'm addicted to buying old Beatles records."
"Sounds like you need help."
"No, I already have that one."
π︎ 6
π
︎ Aug 05 2020
What do you call a clock made out of records?
π︎ 60
π
︎ Jun 26 2020
I must have 10 New Order records but I only ever seem to play one of them.
I have a serious Substance abuse problem
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jul 31 2020
Where did Noah keep a record of his bees?
π︎ 300
π
︎ May 07 2020
I went to the record store and bought a new album. It was awful...
I tried to get a refund. But I couldn't get my NickleBack.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jun 25 2020
Willie Nelson and Snoop Dogg have decided to record an album together.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jun 09 2020
I want to get myself in the guinness world records for the oldest man alive, but it's taking me a long time
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 14 2020
If there is a record for how many times a person can twist their ankle
I think I might have broken it!
π︎ 16
π
︎ Jun 18 2020
How did the speed runner beat the world record on hair stylist simulator?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jul 04 2020
Scientists record the sound of two helium atoms laughing.
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Oct 30 2019
How does an arborist keep record of his business.
He keeps a log of every tree cuts down.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jun 03 2020
If a painter records videos of himself painting and posts them on social media,
is he considered a recording artist?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jun 14 2020
Breaking news: Irish officials have reported that a passenger 747 has crashed into a Belfast cemetery. Investigators have discovered over ten thousand dead bodies at the scene. One local witness at a nearby pub claimed it was a Guinness record.
To be sure. Iβll let myself out.....
π︎ 4
π
︎ May 14 2020
My penis was in the Guinness book of world records.
Then the librarian told me to take it out.
π︎ 33
π
︎ Apr 07 2020
My brother and I are really competitive, and he just broke my record for deep sea diving.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jun 01 2020
What do you get when you squeeze Apple Records?
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 11 2020
When my father dies he wants his ashes pressed into a record
π︎ 35
π
︎ Mar 13 2020
Every time my wife gets her hair coloured at the hairdresserβs, she records it on her phone.
I think she watches the highlights later.
π︎ 21
π
︎ Feb 26 2020
I heard Santa delivered presents in record time last night...
He sleighed Christmas this year.
π︎ 35
π
︎ Dec 25 2019
My watch can call people, record my heart rate and even help me with my math
I have such a smart watch
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 20 2020
Why was 2 offered a record deal but not 4?
Because 2 was better suited for PRIMEtime
π︎ 12
π
︎ Dec 26 2019
I've never been able to beat my school's high jump record and it keeps me up at night to this day...
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 21 2019
A British man is visiting Australia and is asked by the Customs Officer if he has a criminal record.
He replies, 'I didn't think you needed one to get into Australia any more'.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jan 05 2020
I guess I have a bad driving record because only 1 insurance company would take me as a customer.
I had to go with the Flo.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jan 07 2020
Did you hear about the guy who held the world record for most time spent on the toilet?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 12 2020
I wanted to set the world record for the most trees cut down,
But I just couldnβt hack it
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 28 2019
To start a record collection...
π︎ 5
π
︎ Oct 06 2019
I got a Doors album as a record.
When I play it, they are the Revolving Doors.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 04 2020
π︎ 10
π
︎ Nov 30 2019
My wife always records her haircut on her phone when she goes to the hairdressers.
I think she watches the highlights later.
π︎ 25
π
︎ Nov 03 2019
I just broke two of my dad's old Queen records
Now I want to break three.
π︎ 92
π
︎ Jun 12 2019
Do you know how to make a small fortune in the record industry?
Start with a large fortune.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 28 2019
So I work at a record studio.
It's called superman records. One day, this bald, big-shot lookin fellow comes in saying "I need some kryptonite." I point. "Three doors down."
π︎ 6
π
︎ Sep 26 2019
I saw my wife using her phone to record her getting a haircut.
I think sheβs planning to watch the highlights later.
π︎ 104
π
︎ Jun 06 2019
Record keepers, lumberjacks, and people with constipation....
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 08 2019
I was getting a record player down from a shelf and it dropped on my head!
But it didn't effect me
It didn't effect me
It didn't effect me
It didn't effect me
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jul 12 2019
What do you call a person who records a dead body without thinking about it
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 01 2019
He must be having a pretty good track record!
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Apr 12 2018
I have a friend who was born on May 7th. Every year for his birthday I re-gift him a pristine 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it, but I have a perfect record.
It might be stupid, but it's a perfect 5/7, wood repost again.
π︎ 97
π
︎ May 07 2019
π︎ 22
π
︎ Mar 31 2019
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 28 2019
WHat happens if you forget to record the drummer?
There will be repercussions!
π︎ 13
π
︎ Aug 15 2019
BREAKING NEWS: People are now smoking marijuana in record numbers, reaching an all time high.
π︎ 24
π
︎ Aug 06 2019
Seven days without a pun, just beat my personal record. I am now feeling very..... week.
π︎ 34
π
︎ Mar 28 2019
My girlfriend Pia pulls me into a record store just before the video game store closes
All I could say was "Pia - no"
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 11 2019
My medical record says I have blood type B
π︎ 4
π
︎ Sep 26 2019
My penis was recently in the Guinness Book of World records
At least until the Librarian caught me.
π︎ 72
π
︎ Mar 10 2019
I met an astronaut in Mexico who claimed to hold the record for the fastest unassisted orbit around Earth.
I'll never forget Juan Solo.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Sep 16 2019
Where did Noah keep his records?
π︎ 25
π
︎ Jul 26 2019
In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Mt. Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken.
Since then, the steaks have never been higher.
π︎ 30
π
︎ May 15 2019
Does anyone here hold the javelin world record?
No?
Well, it was a long shot.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jul 24 2019
What do you call a broken record?
What do you call a broken record?
What do you call a broken record?
What do you call a broken record?
What do you call a broken record?
π︎ 40
π
︎ Jan 18 2019
My wife and I had an argument because I spent Β£1000 on a record collection.
Itβs my decision and itβs vinyl.
π︎ 20
π
︎ May 16 2019
Just for the record, I need a new phonograph.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Feb 14 2019
I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked whether I had a criminal record.
I replied: "No. Is that still a requirement?"
π︎ 23
π
︎ Apr 13 2019
A man is pulled over and is asked if he has a police record.
The man replies, "No, but I've got a sting album."
π︎ 301
π
︎ Apr 11 2018
Feeling a little low, I decided to peruse the local record shop for a new addition to my music collection.
Drifting down the alphabetised rock section, nothing really appealed to me from A-M. Disappointed, I moved around to the other side of the rack when suddenly I felt uplifted, content and at one with the universe.
I had reached Nirvana.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 30 2019
(one for the older folks) Just for the Record....
A person born in 33 was 45 in 78
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 19 2019
Studies show that teenagers using nitrous oxide gas are at a record high
Itβs no laughing matter
π︎ 15
π
︎ Apr 08 2019
My penis was once on the Guinness book of world records
And now I'm no longer allowed in the library
π︎ 93
π
︎ Oct 25 2018
For the record, I don't know Chris ππ
π︎ 14
π
︎ Aug 07 2018
Records
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 24 2019
"What's your criminal record?" asked the cop.
I said, "Once I robbed a bank in 24 seconds."
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jan 25 2019
I've decided to start collecting records
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 28 2019
My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records.
He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stoneβs throw away, in fact.
π︎ 31
π
︎ Oct 15 2018
When you shop at a record store, you should know that...
π︎ 19
π
︎ Apr 20 2018
I threw a record into the Grand Canyon
The distance it fell was record breaking
π︎ 23
π
︎ Sep 30 2018
What do you do after your dental records are copied?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 10 2018
I set a personal record for bench press today.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Nov 06 2018
So I was at the record store the other day..
And I couldn't decide between 2112 and Moving Pictures. So I decided to go home and think about it for awhile.
I didn't want to make any Rush decisions.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 20 2018
what do mosquito bites and vinyl records have in common?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 08 2018
So, I like listening to vinyl records and composing music on my Galaxy Tab with the S-Pen.
But my stylus is broken, so I can do neither.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 31 2018
I set a record at my company for 12 straight quarters in tire sales
π︎ 10
π
︎ Aug 05 2018
Fun whiskey fact: when creating Buffalo Trace bourbon, the first couple of attempts were complete failures. They even went so far as to destroy all records of the early products
which is why you never hear about Buffalo Uno or Buffalo Dos
π︎ 23
π
︎ Dec 16 2017
I don't understand why record stores are failing
They have record sales every year
π︎ 117
π
︎ May 10 2017
Apparently, Hitler burned records alongside books. It was all part of his plan.
π︎ 69
π
︎ Feb 07 2016
A mountain climber had recently set the world record for climbing a mountain with a strange name
He was at the peak of productivity
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jul 27 2018
I almost had the record for the most peas shoved up my nose...
π︎ 31
π
︎ Dec 24 2017
Ever hear about the Australian baseball player that has the record for being walked the most times?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Aug 26 2018
Fossil record...
...it's rock solid evidence of evolution.
π︎ 18
π
︎ Mar 30 2017
'Singapore Airlines records low passenger numbers on Canberra to Wellington flights'
Well then, I guess Singapore airlines did not get to CAPITALise on this capital to capital route
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 21 2017
π︎ 855
π
︎ Oct 29 2013
I hope the place where Phil Collins records his vocals is referred to as the "Stu-Stustudio"
π︎ 41
π
︎ Feb 28 2016
I was renovating my place, and I threw my record collection on the floor & the side of my house
I got vinyl flooring & vinyl siding
also on r/jokes
π︎ 15
π
︎ Feb 11 2017
Just for the record, I need a new phonograph.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Feb 14 2019
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