Video game record
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KevlarYarmulke
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13
🚨︎ report
My record collection includes Bruce Springsteen, John Cougar Mellencamp, and Tom Petty. It’s almost a full Heartland Rock set...

Close, but no Seger.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theRiverknows86
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18
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Why did Led Zeppelin have record sales in China last year.

Because the government declared a rock down.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/grahamdv
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23
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The head veterinarian at a zoo noticed something alarming in a patient’s record...

The head veterinarian at a zoo noticed something alarming in a patient’s record. A monkey that had been a healthy weight at its last checkup was now recorded as being only half that.

Fearing for the monkey’s health, he went and saw it, expecting it to be sickly and skeletal. However, the monkey seemed totally normal. Confused told his staff to weigh the monkey again.

They did, but the number they reported was still astonishingly low. Sure it was a mistake, he went to weigh the monkey for himself. But when he put the monkey on the scale, it showed a number that was still far too low, and couldn’t possibly be right.

After a moment he spotted the problem: behind the scale was a grab bar on the wall, and the monkey had stealthily grabbed it with its tail, and was supporting some of its weight off the scale that way.

So the monkey's weight was fine, they just weren't paying attention to de tail.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Swanbrother
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10
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My friend Robert is a lawyer who specializes in helping convicted people by getting their records erased permanently. Everyone calls him...

Expunge Bob

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GeoffInNC
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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One of my fathers last wishes was to have his ashes pressed into a record....

It was his vinyl request.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you know what happens when you play a country record backwards?

Your truck comes back, your wife comes back, your dog comes back, your trailer isn’t flooded...

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wonkagloop
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
On the eve of a record breaking cold winter night, a wife notices her husband run to the backyard with a bucket in his hand.

She grabs a cup of hot cocoa and watches through the window as he fills the bucket up with water and races from the back of the house all the way out to the front yard and out of sight. She bundles up and goes outside to get a closer look and sees that he’s cleared the snow from the sidewalk. She watches as he takes his bucket of water and pours it out on the cold concrete. She’s puzzled for a second and then says:

Icy, what you did there.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotMetheThree
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Where does Phil Collins record his music?

In his stu-stu-studio

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shopcounterwill
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I was telling my friend that brown rice is the same as white rice, but with a criminal record....

He thinks I'm a riceist for saying that.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm obsessed with collecting old Beatles records. My friends say I need help..

..but I've already got that one.

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Button_FC
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
There once was a record store. The owner was seventy-four. One day he fell ill then wrote in his will , β€œbury me with records galore”

It was his vinyl resting place

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josentangles
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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I am currently one of the world record holders for the Rubik's Cube...

It has been 43 years and I still cannot solve it.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EverySingleMinute
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.

But I love their greatest hits!

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlintTheDad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
One night I got pulled over. The cop walked up to my window and said β€œdo you have a police record, sir?” I said:

Roxanne...

Edit-spelling

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Das_Kommandant
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I said to my mate, "I can't stop buying Beatles records..

He said "You need help."

"I've got that one." I replied.

πŸ‘︎ 113
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OliPark
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear that they just broke the Guinness Record for largest pickle?

It was a real big dill!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/static612
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
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I once held a world record

For the World’s Youngest Human Being.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/srocan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
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Why do movie makers record laser gun sound effects in churches?

Because they go β€œpew pew pew”.

πŸ‘︎ 92
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PleaseBeSerious
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
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What do you call a clock made out of records?

Its the vinyl countdown

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Palemom
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
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Scientists record the sound of two helium atoms laughing.

HeHe

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Where did Noah keep a record of his bees?

In the ark hives

πŸ‘︎ 297
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
🚨︎ report
NEW NUDE WATER SKI RECORD BROKEN!!

It was broken by a 28 year old Russian

His name is Torehis Sackov

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Manic-tech
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Willie Nelson and Snoop Dogg have decided to record an album together.

It’s a joint project.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
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I must have 10 New Order records but I only ever seem to play one of them.

I have a serious Substance abuse problem

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/John_Badman_
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
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I went to the record store and bought a new album. It was awful...

I tried to get a refund. But I couldn't get my NickleBack.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jolly2284
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I want to get myself in the guinness world records for the oldest man alive, but it's taking me a long time
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Panda2377
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
🚨︎ report
If there is a record for how many times a person can twist their ankle

I think I might have broken it!

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WKBX
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My penis was in the Guinness book of world records.

Then the librarian told me to take it out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/trace826621
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2020
🚨︎ report
How did the speed runner beat the world record on hair stylist simulator?

He took a shortcut.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BinaryPeach
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
🚨︎ report
How does an arborist keep record of his business.

He keeps a log of every tree cuts down.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dyspaereunia
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
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Breaking news: Irish officials have reported that a passenger 747 has crashed into a Belfast cemetery. Investigators have discovered over ten thousand dead bodies at the scene. One local witness at a nearby pub claimed it was a Guinness record.

To be sure. I’ll let myself out.....

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/greggy_rabs
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
🚨︎ report
If a painter records videos of himself painting and posts them on social media,

is he considered a recording artist?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/raaalphs
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My brother and I are really competitive, and he just broke my record for deep sea diving.

This is a new low.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you squeeze Apple Records?

Beatlejuice

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/derdody
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I heard Santa delivered presents in record time last night...

He sleighed Christmas this year.

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FriendOfDrBob
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Every time my wife gets her hair coloured at the hairdresser’s, she records it on her phone.

I think she watches the highlights later.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was 2 offered a record deal but not 4?

Because 2 was better suited for PRIMEtime

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mightythorbowski
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
🚨︎ report
He must be having a pretty good track record!
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blindspot7
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2018
🚨︎ report
I've never been able to beat my school's high jump record and it keeps me up at night to this day...

I just can't get over it

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/greatreference
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
🚨︎ report
People are usually shocked that I have a police record.

But I love their Greatest hits !

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
🚨︎ report
"I'm addicted to buying old Beatles records."

"Sounds like you need help." "No, I already have that one."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kerlandays
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
When my father dies he wants his ashes pressed into a record

It's his vinyl request

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alliswellinnz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
🚨︎ report

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