People are usually shocked that I have a police record.

But I love their Greatest hits !

πŸ‘︎ 81
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I said to my mate, "I can't stop buying Beatles records..

He said "You need help."

"I've got that one." I replied.

πŸ‘︎ 113
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OliPark
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do movie makers record laser gun sound effects in churches?

Because they go β€œpew pew pew”.

πŸ‘︎ 93
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PleaseBeSerious
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
NEW NUDE WATER SKI RECORD BROKEN!!

It was broken by a 28 year old Russian

His name is Torehis Sackov

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Manic-tech
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
"I'm addicted to buying old Beatles records."

"Sounds like you need help." "No, I already have that one."

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kerlandays
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a clock made out of records?

Its the vinyl countdown

πŸ‘︎ 60
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Palemom
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I must have 10 New Order records but I only ever seem to play one of them.

I have a serious Substance abuse problem

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/John_Badman_
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Where did Noah keep a record of his bees?

In the ark hives

πŸ‘︎ 300
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to the record store and bought a new album. It was awful...

I tried to get a refund. But I couldn't get my NickleBack.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jolly2284
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Willie Nelson and Snoop Dogg have decided to record an album together.

It’s a joint project.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I want to get myself in the guinness world records for the oldest man alive, but it's taking me a long time
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Panda2377
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
🚨︎ report
If there is a record for how many times a person can twist their ankle

I think I might have broken it!

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WKBX
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
🚨︎ report
How did the speed runner beat the world record on hair stylist simulator?

He took a shortcut.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BinaryPeach
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Scientists record the sound of two helium atoms laughing.

HeHe

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
🚨︎ report
How does an arborist keep record of his business.

He keeps a log of every tree cuts down.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dyspaereunia
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
🚨︎ report
If a painter records videos of himself painting and posts them on social media,

is he considered a recording artist?

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/raaalphs
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Breaking news: Irish officials have reported that a passenger 747 has crashed into a Belfast cemetery. Investigators have discovered over ten thousand dead bodies at the scene. One local witness at a nearby pub claimed it was a Guinness record.

To be sure. I’ll let myself out.....

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/greggy_rabs
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My penis was in the Guinness book of world records.

Then the librarian told me to take it out.

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/trace826621
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My brother and I are really competitive, and he just broke my record for deep sea diving.

This is a new low.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you squeeze Apple Records?

Beatlejuice

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/derdody
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
🚨︎ report
When my father dies he wants his ashes pressed into a record

It's his vinyl request

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/alliswellinnz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Every time my wife gets her hair coloured at the hairdresser’s, she records it on her phone.

I think she watches the highlights later.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I heard Santa delivered presents in record time last night...

He sleighed Christmas this year.

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FriendOfDrBob
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
🚨︎ report
My watch can call people, record my heart rate and even help me with my math

I have such a smart watch

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was 2 offered a record deal but not 4?

Because 2 was better suited for PRIMEtime

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mightythorbowski
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I've never been able to beat my school's high jump record and it keeps me up at night to this day...

I just can't get over it

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/greatreference
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
🚨︎ report
A British man is visiting Australia and is asked by the Customs Officer if he has a criminal record.

He replies, 'I didn't think you needed one to get into Australia any more'.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tyrannosaur85
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I guess I have a bad driving record because only 1 insurance company would take me as a customer.

I had to go with the Flo.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy who held the world record for most time spent on the toilet?

He was de-throned.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I wanted to set the world record for the most trees cut down,

But I just couldn’t hack it

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TwistTG
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
🚨︎ report
To start a record collection...
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/midusyouch
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
🚨︎ report
I got a Doors album as a record.

When I play it, they are the Revolving Doors.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/phish_tacos
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2020
🚨︎ report
πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JeMakes2002
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife always records her haircut on her phone when she goes to the hairdressers.

I think she watches the highlights later.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I just broke two of my dad's old Queen records

Now I want to break three.

πŸ‘︎ 92
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Do you know how to make a small fortune in the record industry?

Start with a large fortune.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/unsaneasylum
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
🚨︎ report
So I work at a record studio.

It's called superman records. One day, this bald, big-shot lookin fellow comes in saying "I need some kryptonite." I point. "Three doors down."

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ultraferret107
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I saw my wife using her phone to record her getting a haircut.

I think she’s planning to watch the highlights later.

πŸ‘︎ 104
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Record keepers, lumberjacks, and people with constipation....

..are log keepers

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MexElf
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I was getting a record player down from a shelf and it dropped on my head!

But it didn't effect me

It didn't effect me

It didn't effect me

It didn't effect me

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a person who records a dead body without thinking about it

Impaulsive

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/redacted5
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
🚨︎ report
He must be having a pretty good track record!
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/blindspot7
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2018
🚨︎ report
I have a friend who was born on May 7th. Every year for his birthday I re-gift him a pristine 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it, but I have a perfect record.

It might be stupid, but it's a perfect 5/7, wood repost again.

πŸ‘︎ 97
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Hehe... record... v.redd.it/3yunnw6oehp21
πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cloudywaffel
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2019
🚨︎ report
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...

So he put in a Rush order!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
🚨︎ report
WHat happens if you forget to record the drummer?

There will be repercussions!

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tobpe93
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2019
🚨︎ report
BREAKING NEWS: People are now smoking marijuana in record numbers, reaching an all time high.
πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jeepguy797
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Seven days without a pun, just beat my personal record. I am now feeling very..... week.
πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2019
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend Pia pulls me into a record store just before the video game store closes

All I could say was "Pia - no"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperDave-1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
🚨︎ report
My medical record says I have blood type B

But it was a type O.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/doogdoogdoog123
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
🚨︎ report
My penis was recently in the Guinness Book of World records

At least until the Librarian caught me.

πŸ‘︎ 72
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Retro-Camel420
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2019
🚨︎ report
I met an astronaut in Mexico who claimed to hold the record for the fastest unassisted orbit around Earth.

I'll never forget Juan Solo.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/legisleducator
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Where did Noah keep his records?

The arc hives

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/roadhouse6735
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2019
🚨︎ report
In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Mt. Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken.

Since then, the steaks have never been higher.

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mitch_watson
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Does anyone here hold the javelin world record?

No?

Well, it was a long shot.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GaryTheKnight
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a broken record?

What do you call a broken record?

What do you call a broken record?

What do you call a broken record?

What do you call a broken record?

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rojob
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife and I had an argument because I spent Β£1000 on a record collection.

It’s my decision and it’s vinyl.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/feedmesteak
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Just for the record, I need a new phonograph.
πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/devmittal_civ16
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked whether I had a criminal record.

I replied: "No. Is that still a requirement?"

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BassWizard420
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
🚨︎ report
A man is pulled over and is asked if he has a police record.

The man replies, "No, but I've got a sting album."

πŸ‘︎ 301
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ps1pfearfan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2018
🚨︎ report
Feeling a little low, I decided to peruse the local record shop for a new addition to my music collection.

Drifting down the alphabetised rock section, nothing really appealed to me from A-M. Disappointed, I moved around to the other side of the rack when suddenly I felt uplifted, content and at one with the universe. I had reached Nirvana.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Yetanotherrob
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
🚨︎ report
(one for the older folks) Just for the Record....

A person born in 33 was 45 in 78

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PeevesPoltergist
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Studies show that teenagers using nitrous oxide gas are at a record high

It’s no laughing matter

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jonnypope89
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2019
🚨︎ report
My penis was once on the Guinness book of world records

And now I'm no longer allowed in the library

πŸ‘︎ 93
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dewalt6132
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2018
🚨︎ report
For the record, I don't know Chris πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2018
🚨︎ report
Records

Are all groovy

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dktrfrd0
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
🚨︎ report
"What's your criminal record?" asked the cop.

I said, "Once I robbed a bank in 24 seconds."

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
🚨︎ report
I've decided to start collecting records

And that's vinyl

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/well_known_man
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2019
🚨︎ report
My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records.

He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone’s throw away, in fact.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/johnnydarko-
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2018
🚨︎ report
When you shop at a record store, you should know that...

All sales are vinyl.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Chtapodi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2018
🚨︎ report
I threw a record into the Grand Canyon

The distance it fell was record breaking

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GamingAstronamy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you do after your dental records are copied?

Tooth paste...

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/code_engine
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2018
🚨︎ report
I set a personal record for bench press today.

It was really uplifting.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/devsmi35
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2018
🚨︎ report
So I was at the record store the other day..

And I couldn't decide between 2112 and Moving Pictures. So I decided to go home and think about it for awhile.

I didn't want to make any Rush decisions.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Stupidboy0
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2018
🚨︎ report
what do mosquito bites and vinyl records have in common?

They both scratch.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ajjanialthor
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2018
🚨︎ report
So, I like listening to vinyl records and composing music on my Galaxy Tab with the S-Pen.

But my stylus is broken, so I can do neither.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EricICX
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2018
🚨︎ report
I set a record at my company for 12 straight quarters in tire sales

They were Goodyears.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pikindaguy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2018
🚨︎ report
Fun whiskey fact: when creating Buffalo Trace bourbon, the first couple of attempts were complete failures. They even went so far as to destroy all records of the early products

which is why you never hear about Buffalo Uno or Buffalo Dos

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/confibulator
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2017
🚨︎ report
I don't understand why record stores are failing

They have record sales every year

πŸ‘︎ 117
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/I_Fart_Liquids
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2017
🚨︎ report
Apparently, Hitler burned records alongside books. It was all part of his plan.

The vinyl solution

πŸ‘︎ 69
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WarriorsDawn
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2016
🚨︎ report
A mountain climber had recently set the world record for climbing a mountain with a strange name

He was at the peak of productivity

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tylermemelord
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2018
🚨︎ report
I almost had the record for the most peas shoved up my nose...

but I blew it.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hann1980
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2017
🚨︎ report
Ever hear about the Australian baseball player that has the record for being walked the most times?

He had a good eye, mate

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/theWet_Bandits
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Fossil record...

...it's rock solid evidence of evolution.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_Noah271
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2017
🚨︎ report
'Singapore Airlines records low passenger numbers on Canberra to Wellington flights'

Well then, I guess Singapore airlines did not get to CAPITALise on this capital to capital route

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinderium
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2017
🚨︎ report
Dad gave me this after my criminal record got expunged. imgur.com/ISEGtLr
πŸ‘︎ 855
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2013
🚨︎ report
I hope the place where Phil Collins records his vocals is referred to as the "Stu-Stustudio"
πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sternloyalty
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2016
🚨︎ report
I was renovating my place, and I threw my record collection on the floor & the side of my house

I got vinyl flooring & vinyl siding

also on r/jokes

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mr-gem-524
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2017
🚨︎ report
Just for the record, I need a new phonograph.
πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/devmittal_civ16
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
🚨︎ report

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