She seems to be having a field day out there.
My wife said she wanted divorce because i play too many video games
What a stupid thing to fallout 4
She set herself up for that one
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
My wife said she’d leave me if I kept quoting Shrek and I didn’t believe her
I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."
I asked my wife if I am the only one she has ever been with.
She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.
My wife got mad at me because I wouldn’t stop singing “I’m a Believer” by the Monkees. At first, I thought she was kidding.
My daughter told me nothing rhymes with orange. I told her she’s wrong.
Nothing and orange have completely different ending sounds.
My boss always laughed at my jokes at work but since the pandemic she never laughs at them in Zoom chats. I asked her why doesn't she laugh at them anymore.
She replied, "Because your jokes aren't remotely funny."
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
My granddaugter today (she's 8) How did the man breath underwater for so long without help?
He put a glass of water on his head!
It's the first time I have been able to see and hug her in over a year, and she made me so proud!
*Edit: So many typos in my title.
My teacher likes to start every day by reading a joke from Reddit. She was sick the other day, so
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”
I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...
My girlfriend totally changed when she became a vegan
It's like I never knew herbivore.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took
My wife threatened to leave me because she says I have a bad sense of direction..
So I packed my stuff and right.
My girlfriend thought I'd be lonely after she broke up with me,
Little did she know that I immediately bought stocks just to have some company.
My wife got really mad when I told her she had no sense of direction
She packed up her bags and right.
My wife told me that she'd slept with 7 people before we met.
I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
I called my wife and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home.
She just grunted. I think she regrets letting me name the twins.
My girlfriend said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it.
So I bought her a candle.
I once fell in love with a melon farmer’s daughter. But when I asked if she wanted to run away and get married in secret, she turned me down.
She told me she cantaloupe.
And she calls it "This Land"
Having a bit of a discipline issue with my daughter... she'll bring a pile of sand inside and make what she calls her "land". It's sand arranged in a flattish layer, with toy animals and her lego house (Friends^TM , why she no like diggers and helicopters and whatever, why she gotta be so girly??). She doesn't like getting her hand dirty while she's doing it, wears a glove to keep clean, so you'd think she could understand the concept that I don't like the floor getting dirty... but no, she doesn't give a shit.
Had her third birthday party recently, and gave her a Skye (Paw Patrol) plushy, she loves it. Because it's her newest and most favourite toy in the whole world, and because it was for her birthday, we can't confiscate it no matter what.
Very next day, she makes her land again, Skye's there at the side - she's too big to sit in the middle, it would dominate all the plastic dinosaurs and lego Friends people (not the usual mini-figs, they're a bit more anatomically correct, anyway that's not important right now). So I'm all angry and "why you keep doing this", take the glove off her and sweep up the sand. Put her in the time out cage for a bit. Well, we call it the cage, it's just a cupboard under the stairs which is a bit shorter than her so she has to sit there if she doesn't want to bump her head. Throw her in there for one minute per year of age, is the standard procedure.
Anyway, as we close the door she starts singing...
Take my glove
Take my land
Take me where I cannot stand
I don't care
I'm still three
You can't take this Skye from me
My wife and I have contests to see who can scream “NO!” louder, but she always wins.
My wife told me she would bang my head off the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I don't believe heryhhxfukklo8764eh89kg4ghi9hde3yhoonib7v6c5x4xv9n8vx4&6c79b9n
I told my girlfriend that I thought she’d drawn her eyebrows on too high.
My wife asked me why the bottle of wine she bought earlier was half empty
I told her because she is a pessimist.
My wife said I'd gotten fat since she married me me...
I said "Yeah, you got 50% more of me. That's a great return on investment!"
While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said “She obviously has COVID!” “Why would you think that?” I asked.
“Because she has no taste.”
My Wife said she would leave me if I didn’t stop singing songs by the Monkees, I thought she was joking
My girlfriend left to work for an eskcort service in Fairbanks Alaska.. never thought she would succumb to frostitution ⛄️
I asked my daughter if she had taken a bath yet and sarcastically she says yeah, so I tell her to take another one.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me ?
Find out next week.
I call my wife Doe and she calls me Buck. My friend thought this was weird, so I had to explain...
They're terms of endeerment.
My wife called and told me that she would be home shortly…
Being 6’1” I informed her that I would be home tall’ly. She was not amused. I was. You could hear the disappointment drip out of the phone. Victory
My wife says she's leaving me because of my obsession with supermarkets.
"Do you want any help with your packing?" I said.
Melinda was going to sue Bill for not giving her the amount of money she wan entitled to
So Bill said: "A lawsuit? For real? You know I always windows"
Asked my wife why she was spending so much time in her wardrobe
A woman walks into a bar. “I’ll have an entendre,” she says to the bartender. “Make it a double.”
My girlfriend told me that she hated that I was constantly cracking short jokes about her
So I came up with longer ones...
I told my ex-wife she should become a boat captain...
She's so good at dealing with loads of semen
My daughter asked if she could learn how to sing in school.
I finally told the girl I like I thought she was hot
She told me to turn on the Air Conditioner
My mom was a radiologist. She met my dad when he came in for an X-ray.
I wonder what she saw in him.
I asked my wife if I am the only one she has ever been with.
She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.
My teacher likes to start every day by reading a joke from Reddit. She was sick the other day, so
I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me.
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
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