"The trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter!"

But he was 0K.

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...

The kid behind the counter said, sorry we only take cash or credit cards

She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer….

EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! ❤️

I said "Go on then!!"

Now I'm doing 12 years for a crime I didn't commit.

He said "I don't think that's a weakness"

"Well I don't give a f* what you think"

we can't tell if they're 2B or not 2B.

A look of hopeful curiosity washed over her as she fell into my trap. "No, what?"

"Very SHADY things."

It must've reminded her that she had something else to do that was very important.

So I bought her a candle.

I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".

I said: ‘Is that a fret?'

..' you'll just have to learn to be a little patient '

I said "Yeah, you got 50% more of me. That's a great return on investment!"

"Wire you insulate"

And he replied "Watts it to you? I'm Ohm ain't I?"

This is the first Dad joke I remember hearing, and it came from my older brother.

(We're not grading for quality here, right?)

"How far ya think I can kick this bucket?"

I looked down at my shirt and said, "but I like my polo".

I had to explain it, but once she got it she thought it was hilarious. I'm very proud of this joke.

.. " I dunno, that's what they're fighting about "

But then I saw her face

I said "So it's a well gnome garden".

I laughed harder than he did.

I replied, "Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids."

“Because she has no taste.”

"I never got to know my real ladder."

Rich exclaimed, "I want lots of money!"

“You wouldn’t get it, it’s Norse code”

"... BODY once told me..."

I said :- I am not kidding you

“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”

I told him, "that's Karma"

It's pastor bedtime

she immediately responded, "50 cent"

it was rewarding because i could visibly see her internal groan at dumb dad joke, but then also self-horror that she was so quick to get the joke... win-win-win!!

The lumberjack stepped back and said, "really? well, you'll die a log."

"Don't call me son, you're not my dad.!!" I said.

As the lift door closed, he looked me in the eye and said, "I brought you up, didn't I ?"

"You know, one would have been enough."

So I asked for one politely.

I wonder how far I can kick this bucket

I never knew she sold flowers!

I looked down and said "i guess thats how they make ground beef" another customer got a kick out of it.

That's karma for ya

Do people who speak Spanish and German speaking Sperman?

I’ve changed my mind

I said "I don't know... it's hard to keep track"

I was like where did that come from.

She said "Fine... How much does it cost to acquire a church singing group?"

She said, "Wear your own then, dickhead."

Then I got Antidepressants

Wasabi

“Is that a fret?!"

"You know, 1 would have been fine"

I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”