My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
I asked my brother how his date went. He said he found out she was an anesthesiologist.
Talk about a snooze fest.
Mom said she'd throw her son from a cliff if he didn't eat his vegetables ...
A friend set me up on a blind date. He said "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby"
I felt like a right idiot sitting in a bar wearing nothing but a diaper.
At our PTA meeting, my son's teacher said he's the best she's ever seen at using Elmer's...
I took my daughter to the doctors. He asked me if she always stuttered like that. I said no,
only when she wants to say something.
My brother said that if he's going to marry a woman she must always be with him
Well, he's a mailman so things are going to be rough
My husband and I were reminiscing about his grandma. "She was a great grandma," He said. "She was a grandma too," I commented. "Huh?"
"She was a great-grandma and a grandma."
A man went to the funeral of his dear friend and asked the wife of the deceased to ask if he could say a word, to which she said: Yes. He said "Plethora"
She said "thank you, that means a lot"
I made a lady laugh at work. I asked her why she was returning these kids clothes and she said she husband didn't like them. I replied that he must be very tiny.
So a girl came up tom he other day and said that she recognized me from her vegetarian restaurant. Honestly I was a bit confused.
I took my wife to the psychiatrist and he said that she's completely lost her mind.
I replied that it didn't surprise me because she's been giving me a piece of it every day for last 30 years.
My daughter and I saw a man returning a treadmill to Costco. I said, "I wonder why he is returning that?" She said, "I don't know."
I said, "Because he didn't get anywhere with it."
Daughter said she doesn't find her dad funny, so he told her to go to the store and buy eggs with no whites...
So she can get her dad's yolks.
Little Johnnie's teacher asked him how his weekend was. "Horribly, a car hit my dog in the ass," he said. She said, "Rectum."
"Wrecked him?" Johnnie said. "Damn near killed him!"
My sister said she doesn't like seaweed. My dad said he does. However..
He said he didn't like D-weed.
My mate set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."
I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a nappy...
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